Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I dumped The Stairmaster. I finally just wrote him an email saying don't call, don't come by. I'm not mad, I'm just done. He emailed back, but I deleted it without reading. What could he have possibly said that would make any difference? What can anyone say?

After all these years I still don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm on this planet or which direction I'm supposed to go. I'm so tired of struggling. If it's not one goddammed thing, it's another. I'm tired. My mind is tired. My spirit is exhausted. I want to rest. I want to close my eyes and ears and shut out the sounds and sights of everyone and everything. It all comes crashing in around me and exhausts me. I feel like I'm a battle-fatigued soldier.

I just want to rest.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:55 PM
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Sunday, May 21, 2006

I've been so busy. Too busy to blog. Too busy to go out. Too busy to do anything but hang out with clients, trying to get them into escrow.

Today I did an open house at a place owned by Henry Rollins' soulmate. It was a little creepy after a while. But then she came home and everything was okay. The house is gorgeous. It's a beautiful old Spanish with a Batchelder fireplace and it's been completely restored. It's a two bedroom, one bath and one of the bedrooms has been turned into her office. That's where all her books are. Books, and books, and books. Shelves and shelves of the most interesting eclectic stuff. She had everything from Karl Marx and Jalal Toufic to Bessie Head and J.D. Salinger. A ton of stuff I never heard of before. The rest of the house was her vinyl collection. I'm not kidding, this chick doesn't mess around. She had some super old jazz acetates in the closet behind glass. She had everything from the 20's through yesterday. Her punk collection was slim, but gratefully so was her pop collection. A ton of stuff I never heard of before, too.

She's a vegetarian and a Pilates instructor. She's a Mac addict. She reads voraciously and travels like she has a monkey on her back. That's why she's selling. She's taking a year off to travel to some of the most disaster and war torn areas so she can write about her experiences. Everything in her home looked like it had been brought back from some exotic trip. Plus, I noticed that she'd been underlining passages of the voter information they recently sent out for the election on the 6th.

I looked at the photos she had displayed. Not too many of people. Mostly it was scenes and a collection of crosses. Lots of really intersting stuff and for a while it was bugging me because there was something missing. What was it? I couldn't figure it out. Then it dawned on me that there was no TV anywhere in the house. That's when I realized she was Henry's soulmate. She's a Libra Dragon, which is one of his perfect matches according to Katrin. The other is Aries Ox, which is what Joe Cole was.

She eats right, practices yoga and Pilates, reads and listens and travels and avoids the TV. She's humanity conscious. I thought for sure she was his soulmate. Then she came home and I was shocked at how different her home is than her actual being. She was so rude to me. She was an arrogant bitch. Plus, she was ugly. I don't just mean physically, but everything about her. She had long straight mousy hair. She wore no make-up, which can sometimes be fine, but not in her case. Her mouth was set in a hard line like she was bracing for a smack in the head. I think it's become her natural expression. She's very slim, but her skin looked lifeless and weather beaten. She was wearing a black t-shirt advertising some construction company, a pair of ratty old pink corduroy shorts and the most beat up Berkenstocks I've ever seen. Seriously. And her girlfriend was even uglier and meaner.

See what happens when I let my imagination run wild? I swear. I should just stop thinking at all.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:47 PM
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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

My house is still a mess. My kitchen is in my living room. My bathroom is in my bedroom. There's dust and crap everywhere. I'm going crazy.

I need to open new escrows. My appointment today was good. My offer is falling flat. The buyers can come up in price, but they won't. I've tried all my dialogues with them, but they won't budge and they don't care if they lose the house. So I'll give them one last try tomorrow and then that's that. Next.

I need a bazillion new escrows. A bazillion.

I'm tired. It's almonst Hank time.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:48 PM
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Saturday, May 06, 2006

I had sex with The Stairmaster in my kitchen earlier. He dumped his girlfriend because she would call him 5 times a day. He's hopeless. I'm hopeless. It's probably totally right that we're together as it will save other humans the torture of being with us.

My house is completely torn apart. I can't wait to get this phase over with and then I'll get some new floors put in the kitchen and bath and that's it. That is it. Do not ask for more. There is no more. It will be done and done.

I need to open some escrows. I only have one left and I'm ready for more. I need to open three escrows this week. How does that sound? Pretty fucking good to me, too.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:02 PM
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Sunday, April 30, 2006

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate dieting? Generally I hate depriving myself of anything and now I have to deprive myself of hot sex for the sake of morals and all.

No. It's not that. It's just so sleazy. The whole on again, off again bullshit with Stairmaster has been about sex. It's how and why we met and it can never be anything else. There can't be a relationship built on sex. Unless the people in the relationship are one dimensional, which I know that I am not. I don't know about The Stairmaster. Perhaps he is one dimensional. I don't know anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I never cared for him so much, but I cared about him. Whatever. Now he's made me his dirty little secret and I'm not having it. He said he wouldn't ever let her know and I told him that whoever she is, it would be a big mistake to come see me. He thought that was funny at first, but I let him know that if she ever comes looking for me, she'll be getting a big surprise. I didn't start this, but if she comes around I'll end it. He finally seemed to get it. He just kept saying she'll never know.

Like I'm gonna fucking trust him.

Yesterday when I got out of the shower he was in the bathroom. Scared the shit out of me. He said he was waiting for me to get dressed and go so he could bring his crew in to continue with the work. I told him I gave away all his tools on Craigslist, but he didn't believe me. He was trying really hard to keep his eyes at my eye level. He didn't. I just put my hands on my hips and told him to get an eyeful because it was the last time. He just rolled his eyes. Sometimes I wish I could become a man just for a little while so that I could kick another man's ass. But only if I could switch back to being a girl before I had to pee.

The really fucked up part is that my place just keeps looking better and better.

Where are all my new escrows? Where are all my ready, willing, and able clients who are desperate to get into a house this minute? Where are all my sweet, reasonable, rational, loyal clients? Where?

I'm insane. It's okay to ignore me.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:34 PM
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Friday, April 28, 2006

Stairmaster just left. He came over to take more measurements and finish filling up the holes. He was acting kind of weird, avoiding eye contact and stuff. I went up and held his hand and he kissed me. We made out a little bit and then I tried to pull him into my bedroom and he wouldn't go. I asked him what was wrong and he just said "I can't". I asked him why and he said he'd promised that he would behave. I asked him who he made this promise to and he said his girlfriend.

What a pig.

We had a huge fight. I don't know what to do now. My place is only half done. I should know better than to sleep with the worker. I asked him who he was dating and he said no one. I asked him about that and he just said "I lied". That's it? That's your explanation. Then he just put his head down and he said "I really wanted to fuck you". Yeah, well you sure did.

Who's going to finish my place now? I'm so upset I could scream. I called Ben and he just said "Make it quick, I'm enroute to Trauma". I said I was just calling to say hi. He said hi and hung up.

I hate my life. Just kidding. I hate my sex life. I'd say that I hate my love life, but I don't have one. I should get one. I should get a love life.

I hate dieting. I hate The Stairmaster. And who the fuck is this girlfriend and why is she letting him come to my house at 9pm to "fill holes"?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:55 PM
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Thursday, April 27, 2006

Stairmaster came over last night to fill up the little nail holes in the moulding. At first it was nice, me making dinner, him doing his work. Then the conversation turned and we were flirting.

When he went to leave he gave me a hug and I looked up at him and he kissed me. I knew he wasn't leaving so I pulled him into my room and we had mad crazy sex. It was so great. It was exactly what we both needed. It's not just that he's good, it's that he's so attentive to my needs. He does everything I want him to without even asking. It's like we have sex sign language. If he's doing something that's not really comfortable I just pull away from him ever so slightly and he shifts. He knows when I'm responding, too. This is a big mistake most guys make. When they realize that a girl is responding they always kick it into high gear. It's like they figure faster and harder is always better. Big mistake. They need to just keep the pace. We have double the nerve endings they do. The rougher the better is not something most girls would say.

So I don't know what this means. I don't know if it will ever happen again. I know he's not the one because my dad told me and I think that if your dad comes back from the grave to tell you to not get heart set on someone, you better just listen. I know he's just a funboy, but oh boy is he fun.

What's wrong with me? Where are all my new clients? Where is my life?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:45 AM
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