Sunday, October 31, 2004

I went to two Halloween parties last night. It was fun. I don't know what my costume was, really. I wore my hot pink bustier with my long black BCBG skirt and my vintage suit jacket with the 3/4 length sleeves. I put a little white-face on and hot pink eye shadow and wore a candy pink stripper's wig with a little girl's birthday crown. Oh, and vampire teeth but I lost those at some point during the night. We had fun. I went with L who dressed up as the bubble gum fairy all in pink with fairy ears and all. She won third place in the costume contest. I knew she'd win something besides all the guys' hearts. She's a hottie. But with depth and talent. The boy I have a crush on thinks I'm a stupid, fat, ugly, old, slutty hag. That's probably why I have a crush on him. I'm making it a mission to keep a picture of him in my mind of people walking in on him while he's on the potty with diarrhea. I've discovered that if you want to stop crushing on someone that's pretty much all you have to do. Imagine them being caught in a horrifyingly embarrassing moment in which they could lose all shreds of dignity. It usually works. Anyway, he's not all that good-looking himself. He's just really smart and funny and gets my ducks quacking. Why, why, why?


So, I don't know. I had fun and I love everyone who was there. I don't mean that in an E overdose kind of way, either. I really do love everyone, it's just that life is soooooooo fuuuuuucking haaaaaaard right now.

Suggestions?




another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:04 PM
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Friday, October 29, 2004

I just got back from voting. I figured I couldn't off myself unless I voted and I didn't feel like waiting until Tuesday. I really would like to just go home before I start another month in my supposed Golden Epoch. October was supposed to be the luckiest month of the Golden Epoch for me. Perhaps it was. My life is really fucking hard right now. I'm exhausted all day long. I have no money and I'm not just exaggerating. I have $3.71 to my name. I'm in debt up to my eyeballs and most of it's the kind you can't even charge off in a bankruptcy. I sound like a barking whining dog right now and the thing is I feel like one, too.

I feel so far away from anything. I have these two listings and I have almost no capacity to market them. Someone else's signs are going on the properties because I don't have any yet. I have no money for flyers or postcards or ads. I don't even have gas money to do an open house.

I've applied for all kinds of jobs and I can't even get a call back.

I'm so miserable.

Whose stupid idea was this?


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 6:29 PM
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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

So I'm sitting here at the office with W. You know what? She's married to Peter Pan, too. It's kind of ironic, actually because she has two boys and dogs and it's like this sick twisted dysfunctional fucked up version of the whole Never Neverland thing. Actually the Never Never have sex with you land. Yeah. Another one of those situations where you come across people who are "happily" married and you just ask yourself why? As a matter of fact, I didn't ask myself, I asked everyone. I said Gosh, W is such a beautiful, happening chick. Why is she married to that absolute moron whose head is so far up his own ass his nose is coming out of belly button? Well, kids. You know how this story goes.

By the way, life is still just too fucking hard. Good thing I don't have gas hooked up to my house right now or I'd have my head in the oven. No shit. I'd give that Sylvia Plath a run for her money. I'd kick her ass blindfolded and gimped. Actually, I read this whole thing about how Syl didn't really mean to off herself, but the babysitter was late and didn't find her in time. I swear. It's so hard to get reliable help.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:45 PM
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Why does life have to be so fucking hard? Why, why, why? According to my horoscope I'm supposed to be the planetary favorite? Horrorscope more like it. Blame it on Monkey year. What's it like to bust your ass every day and not be able to pay your light bill? I don't know, let's consult the doctrine of St. Henry the Punk. Oooops, forgot I sold my Rollins liturgy to pay back my friend. Screwed? Why, yes. Thank you.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:46 AM
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Sunday, October 24, 2004

Life is so fucking hard. I have enough money to pay my bastard credit card from charging off my debt and enough to pay my light bill. Oh, so sorry landlord. Nothing left for you. Try again next month. If I don't open escrow this week I'm double extra strength screwed. I will have to flee my apartment in the dead of night and escape to L's house. I will have to share a room with her dog and sell off all my belongings because I have no place in which to store them. I will have to then make a hemlock chocolate cake with white oleander icing and wash it down foxglove margaritas and belladonna pudding. Oh what fun it is to be a realtor, oh what fun it is to be a realtor. Whose stupid idea was this, anyway?


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 4:34 PM
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Wednesday, October 20, 2004

The rain makes me sad. I wanted to stay curled up in bed to cry but I couldn't because I don't have a job to which I can call off sick. I need to get at least two of my clients into escrow this month or I'm even further up shit creek and I haven't seen a paddle in ages. The cable got shut off. That mean I also have no internet access and no phone.

I'm calling around for a job again today. Life is so great. I thought October was supposed to be my luckiest month of the year. I thought this is supposed to be my golden epoch.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:59 AM
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Monday, October 18, 2004

This morning as I was driving in to work I saw over 30 ships outside the harbour waiting to get in. It was creepy. Did you know that parking is such a drag downtown that the captains of the ships don't even park their own boats. They have ship's pilots who come on board and parallel park the tankers with the help of the special tugs. So Long Beach.

Last night I went with L to see JJ in his new play, Dark Rapture at The Evidence Room. It was really good. The music was a touch too loud and not as good as it could be. Whatever. Plus, there was a woman sitting next to me who thought she was fabulous. She seemed to think the entire world was enamored of her. Maybe she was high on E or something. She stank like stale cigarettes and she was sweating the boozy rank odor. She was wearing a pencil skirt and Holly Golightly pumps with a shrug. It could have been a cute outfit if she didn't stink. Her makeup and hair were perfection, but again the effort was ruined by the stink. She must have bumped me about 10 times during the evening. She disgusted me.

I need to get a jay oh bee. I have a listing but it's not ready for sale yet. That client is looking, too. We did a tour of Long Beach and it was fun, but I know he's not ready to buy today. Another two clients should be getting into contract with me this week. I need to put them into something right now. I'm so tired of stuggling. Have I mentioned?






another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:12 PM
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Saturday, October 16, 2004

I need $$$ again. Heavy sigh. I just got paid from escrow and I'm broke already. How fun life is. I have three clients who I was sure would be getting into contract with me by this week and now I had to fire one of them because as it turns out she's insane. Another client is having health problems and has put all her plans on the shelf. My last clients I've taken out at least once a week for over a month and I swear if I don't get them into contract within a week from now I'm dumping them both.

I took a listing for a condo in Laguna Niguel. I know. But hey, it's a listing. That client is trying to come back to Long Beach aka humanity. We went out looking last night. I know he'll take his time and not rush into anything. That's fine. See? I have clients. I have a job. I'm doing really well. It just doesn't feel like it. Oh, yeah. And I'm broke already. Anyone know where and how I can score a really quick $2,500? I'm open to all options here.

Gio got himself in another accident. What a fucking dumbass. Sorry Gio, but really. I think the CrewBoyz Clubhouse may have to decamp. Gio's parents are like "please come home. We're so worried about you" as Gio walks away from them and falls off the porch.




another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:21 AM
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Thursday, October 14, 2004

I just got home from ResFest. It was fun. I saw my friend's movie again. It's so great. The other movies were pretty good, too. I especially like JoJo in the Stars and Pol Pot's Birthday. Ward 13 was funny I guess. The first one, We Have Decided Not To Die, was meaningful but the music was annoying. Equestrian kind of reminded me of those early early early early experimental films of horses running and naked people walking around to study the kinesiology.

L will be in town until early December and then it's back to London and the boy. A will only be here another week. Then it's back to Germany and the classes. So what then?

I took a listing for a 3 bedroom 2 bath condo in Laguna Niguel. I think we'll price it nicely at 695,000. We don't need to sell it in a heartbeat. I don't know, what do you think? I think we do need to sell it in a heartbeat. I had to fire a client today. I felt sad, but better now than after I'd wasted a lot more time with her.

I'm exhausted all the time. I'm in the middle of a Lupus flare. Oh joy. You should see the beautiful sarcoid rash all over my body. It's so lovely. It makes me feel so attractive.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:35 AM
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Sunday, October 10, 2004

It was the Long Beach Marathon today. The 20th anniversary. I volunteered at Station 21 in front of the building where I work. It was fun. What I've realized is that I'm a big fat lazy disgusting slob. Young and old, disabled and able-bodied, male and female, ethnic or not, everyone did the marathon. I'm such a slug. I got asked out by three different cops who were working the intersection. Do I just have a giant sign on me that says "abuse me"? Anyway, I am dedicated to getting my body into shape. Whatever it takes. I want to be beautiful again. I was once. I know it's hard to believe, but I was and I will be again.

My boss signed off on my file. I'll be getting some money on Tuesday.

Sorry about the pictures. I couldn't figure out how to load them up for the life of me. I guess I'm not that good of a blogmistress anyway.

Next week Mr. Steve is leaving to join Shug and Ben in their travels. What will become of the CrewBoyz clubhouse? Fuck it. Burn it to the ground. It's a rat hole.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 2:03 PM
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Saturday, October 09, 2004

Last night I went with a multitude of people to Oktoberfest. It was a lot of fun, but not because drunken idiocy is so fun. It was just great to be with everyone again. I miss The Crew. Mr Steve is getting ready to go off and be with Ben and Shug. The three caballeros on the loose in Southeast Asia. Oy Vey. I will try to post some photos. Don't hold your breath. No Sean. No Katrin. No Bibi. No Eng. No Drew. No Binh. Rad came and he's always fun. We did the goofy dances. We had a good time.

We were wondering if there's Amerikafest in other countries. We wondered what they would be like. Would they play silly games like drive-by shooting? Would they do silly dances like death sentence? Would they do the we-can't-trust-our-president-and-big-business-interest-controls-capitol-hill silly dance? Would they play rap and hip hop traditional songs? What kind of traditional American food would they serve? Then we realized that they did have Amerikafest in practically every country. They're called McDonald's and Burger King.

I am so relieved. The loan funded. The escrow closed. The keys were transferred. My seller is happy. I just have one final thing to do before my file closes and I get a check, which is okay because Monday is a holiday and I wouldn't be able to cash the check until Tuesday, anyway. In the meantime, I'm starving for the weekend. No, really. I ate soup for breakfast and I'll have soup again for dinner. Tomorrow and Monday I'll figure something out. Heavy sigh.

That old song Pennies from Heaven has been playing in my head. My grandparents had that record. They used to play it all the time. I love the old scratchy version. Tonight we'll be seeing our favorite band. They're calling themselves Black Dahlia Funeral. So eclectic. They're playing all the old songs from the 30's through the 50's. We're going to dress vintage. I'll wear my candy stripe dress with the beaded shoulder sweater and my restored Ferragamo's. I hope this show is good. It sounds like it will be.

I'll let you know.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:46 PM
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Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Fabulous Boy emailed me this morning and it was so rude and obnoxious I blocked all his emails. I wasn't going to tell him why or explain myself. I was just going to ditch him. Then I realized that if I didn't tell him he would make something up to satisfy himself. So I replied that his attitude made me sad and I realized he was essentially a pig. I know this about men. All men are pigs. It's just that some men actually know this about themselves and try not to be. That's what I thought he was. It was too evolved for him, though. When he found out that K is crashing at my place for a few months and that he couldn't just drop by, he suggested a naked threesome.

Guys are so fucking stupid. I mean what was the anitcipated response to his retarded request? Why, yes. As a matter of fact, that's the only reason I let her crash. I was so hoping that she would appeal to you and your selfish lustful desires. I wanted some hot young flesh for you to get carnal with and a roomie in financial straits is so much more economical than a drug-addicted prostitute. I mean, how convenient for you. She's safe, she's clean, she's obliged to me, what more could you ask? Oh, wait. You could ask if it's okay with me, or if I feel comfortable with it. Of course, that never crossed your mind did it? Because if any thoughts of consideration for anyone else ever did cross your mind, they'd be so shortlived. In fact, it's been scientifically proven that if an original thought ever crossed your mind, it would be the shortest trip in human history.

So I just said in the end that he bored me. Which he does. I really, really didn't like him all that much. It's just that I was kind of bored and liked having someone come over and play. But really, I'd like someone to date more than to sleep with. I'd like to enjoy dating and talking before sex. What a concept. So, I'm putting my pussy back on the shelf. Unless Swiss Boy comes back soon, that's it. No more boys for me. They bore me. Even the great sex bores me after a while because guys are just so fucking lame. I thought as we got older they'd be less lame, but it's really sad because I think they're getting dumber by the minute.

I just need to focus on my job and making money and getting out of debt. I wanted to meet someone nice, and I did. I met several nice guys and we had a lot of fun, but where are they now? I wish my Henry Rollins would show up. Not the man himself, although I wouldn't mind, but where is my Henry? Where is my Ian? Where is the guy so perfect for me? I'm so tired of looking for him and I'm so tired of waiting.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:38 AM
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Monday, October 04, 2004

I got punk'd. Last night I was supposed to go to my friend's for dinner. She was going to make me a baked chicken dinner with mashed potatoes and cobb salad and cherry wine dressing. My friend picked me up and we drove over there and my friend and her husband were all tense and my dinner was burned. They had decorated the house like My Pretty Pony and she was all pissed at him because he was supposed to just watch the dinner in the oven for 15 minutes while she took a shower. And he burned it. What a dumb ass. I was so pissed off at him. Not because he burned it, but because he'd made her so mad. Can't guys do one itty bitty thing right? I swear. I totally felt her anger.

So he was like Well, let's just go to Don Antonios. So we went over there and all my crazy friends were there. At first I was like, oh how funny everyone is here. Der. I opened some of my gifts while the guy with the Spanish guitar came and sang to me. I got a bottle of wine and painted wine glasses. I got a dreambox and votive holders. I got a bagfull of Shark Tale toys my friend A designed. I got tickets to see JJ and JW's shows. All in all it was a pretty good night. I was happy. I took home all the leftovers and a huge cake that hardly any of us ate. I brought the cake to work because I wanted to give back to those who feed me every day.

The loan documents have been signed and the escrow should fund today and close tomorrow. Sigh of relief. I have three other people who should be opening escrow with me sometime this month. Hooray. Then I have a bunch of other clients that I will put into escrow and get them some property and get myself some money so I can get all my Rollins stuff again and go see my sister in NYC.




another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:19 AM
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Saturday, October 02, 2004

Remember that song? How does it go? "...I dreamed of wide blue ocean. I stood on the shore wide open...And here I am. And here I am..." I can't get it out of my head. Unless it's to hear Sinead O'connor's lonely. I thought no one could help me. I thought I was alone. I fucked up really bad and I didn't know how to fix it. I allowed someone to loan me $500 that they really didn't have to loan. It saved me. I thought for sure this escrow would fund weeks ago. Days ago. Last weekend. This weekend. Now I'm 99% sure it will fund on Tuesday. Only because I channeled the energy of my dead father and walked into the buyer's agent's office and kicked everyone's ass. I became Rachel for several minutes and scared the shit out of everyone.

I sold an Own Your Own apartment here in the city of Long Beach. What's an OYO? Glad you asked. Let me just explain it for all of you who don't understand, including other agents. There are three ways to legally define ownership of an apartment unit. The individual units can be organized as a cooperative, own-your-owns, or condominiums. A cooperative means that the owners of the unit don't really own the unit, but have stock in the cooperative with which they have occupancy rights to an individual unit. They still pay property taxes, but the co-op board gets to control who can move in and if they don't like you or what you've been up to, they can revoke your occupancy privileges and force you to sell. These are sometimes referred to as Nazi Buildings or Fascist Boards. Own-Your-Owns and Condominiums are very similar. The difference with the legal description is that with a condo the owner has title to the area within the individual unit's wallspace, as well as equal portion to the outer building and grounds. So in essence they get their unit and 1/whatever of the rest. In an OYO, the legal description is kind of like a co-op, kind of like a condo. So it's a grey area and the waters get a little murky. I thought I would be fine because with a condo, each unit has it's own tax id number, and with an OYO, they usually don't. This makes it really hard to put a lien or foreclose on OYO's. However in this particular building the units have individual id numbers.

To make a long story longer, I sold the goddamn thing after 62 days and made my seller the happiest woman on the West Coast. As soon as we opened escrow she flew to Tennessee and opened escrow on a 5 bedroom 4 bath ante-bellum Gone With The Wind dream house on acreage horse property with weeping willows, a pond, and a stream, and possibly the ghosts of slaves who suffered there. Then everything went to pieces. I have been so mean and rude to the buyer's agent. I've tried to keep it professional, but a few weeks ago I told him that if I was dating him I would have dumped his rotten ass. He got really offended and said why? I told him it was because he didn't return calls, didn't communicate worth shit, and never did what he said he would. I hate flakes. Anyway, his client's financing fell through because of the OYO status of the building. I had told him to double finance his client and I had threatened him way back in the beginning that if he hadn't sold property in Long Beach before, which I actually hadn't either, he should listen to me and double finance his client.

Anyway, the situation got so bad that I eventually stopped talking to him, went to his office and told his boss that this deal was only going to have two outcomes. Either the buyer's loan would fund, or my client and I would sue the buyer for incurred costs and damages. This is when I became Rachel and started talking like my dad. It was kind of creepy in a cool way. I told this clown that I wasn't interested in hearing any excuses. I told him that we'd done our due diligence, that they had been dishonest with the financial situation of the buyer, that they had possibly misrepresented her ability to secure financing and that it would be in their best interests to get the loan funded however they could. He started blustering that he had every confidence in the buyer's ability to secure financing and that they just needed more time bow wow woof woof. This is really when I got in touch with my inner bitch and became Rachel. I told him he was out of time and that my client was in Tennessee touring her dream home and that if his incompetence compromised her happiness there would be a snowball of unpleasantness that would stop right at his head. I told him that if he was so confident of the buyer he could fund the loan himself and kick it down to her. I told them they had until end of business day to figure it out. He said he'd call me. I told him I no longer trusted anything he said and that I would call him every two hours for a progress update.

So by the time I got back to the office the buyer's agent called and told me he'd secured secondary financing because I'd been so insistent at the beginning. This is after I had to call Tennessee and tell my seller what was going on and scared the hell out of her. So then the clouds seperated and the sun broke through and the birds started singing again. Only not soon enough.

During this whole drama of the last three weeks, I was only eating when my office had some function or meeting because they always have food and snacks and alcohol. I was making everyone else drive because I had no gas. I was pathetic. One of my oldest and closest friends loaned me $500. And then got rear-ended in a hit and run. He's fine but his truck is totally messed up and guess how much the insurance deductible is? Plus, he had to go to the ED. Plus, now his woman knows he loaned me $$$ without asking her. So I thought for sure I'd be able to give him the money back as soon as this fucking escrow closed. Except it never fucking closed because stupid people don't listen to me. Except that the other agent did listen to me.

Anyway, it was coming down to the wire and I was crying and hopeless and desperate and pathetic. So to comfort myself I was reading See A Grown Man Cry. And then it hit me. I would have to sell my Rollins collection. I jumped out of bed and took all my books off the bookshelf. I took all my vinyl out of their case. I had all the Rollins Spoken Word LP's. Signed. I had all the early fold and staple books. Signed. I had Two Thirteen Sixty One, Polio Flesh, and End to End. Signed. I put them on Craigslist and sold them all. I was crying and crying and crying. Plus, my friend Sandee's little girl Kamimilo fell off the monkey bars and twisted her leg around. Stupid HMO didn't want to pay for a specialist. We all wanted to chip in to help get Kami to see the doctor here, but we needed the deductible which is $350.

You wouldn't believe the responses I got to the ad. One girl said if I sold to anyone else but her she'd die. I know how she felt, but she gave me the creeps. I sold most of the really good stuff to one guy who drove from Glendale. He gave me $600 cash. I sold the rest of the books and some of my original Flag vinyl (signed by Rollins) to a couple of Goth creeps who had a strange looking baby between them in their vintage El Camino. Then I sold the rest of my Rollins vinyl and my Damaged LP that's signed by Rollins and Greg Ginn to a guy Miss Ennui has been dating. All in all I got $1,100 cash. I couldn't believe it. Henry saved me again.

This is why I love Henry. He never lets me down. He always comes through for me.

It killed me to sell my Rollins. I wrote him and told him what happened and thanked him for everything. I will get it all back. I got them all once, I'll get them all again. I asked him if he would be so kind to sign them again if he's not too busy, and he wrote back and said I'd done the right thing.

Because in the end, it's not the books that are so, so important. It's the words and the comfort they bring. Henry's words are never lost. How could I have still had happiness in my books if I'd known I could have let them go and repaid the kindness of my friends? How could I not have helped Sandee get baby Kami to the right doctor? If her leg hadn't been operated on correctly, she could have a limp or one leg could end up shorter than the other. How could I let my chaos and despair overflow into my friend's life?

So, there's the drama. Literally, as soon as I let my Rollins stuff go, everything broke free. The escrow looks like it's going to close. I gave my friend back his money and gained the trust of his chick. I was able to chip in my part for baby Kami. I took people at the office out for margarita therapy. I have gas in my tank, and I'll be able to get that landlord guy off my back for another month.

Heavy sigh.

I can't wait for things to get better. No, really I can't wait. I'm just going to have to make it all better. If you want something done right...


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:52 PM
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