Monday, March 27, 2006

Sorry it's been so long since I blogged. Yeah, as if anyone really cares. I opened three escrows today. Three in one day. I think that's a new record for me. The money just keeps rolling in, kids. I love it.

I got a snotty voice mail from a stupid lazy bitch who wanted to know what I was doing for "others" with all the money I'm making. I didn't bother to call her back and then I heard from the grapevine that she thinks it's because I'm too ashamed of myself. Ashamed? Of myself? And why would I be? Because I'm finally making the kind of money I deserve? Because I can finally pay back every single fucking penny I owe to various creditors, the IRS, and myself? Fuck her. She thinks all I do is sit around on my ass all day and money just magically appears? God, but she's a moron.

I called her up and told her if she wanted to come trade seats with me, she's on. But of course it would mean getting up early, going to bed late, working every single day, following up, following through, and keeping everyone happy all at the same time. I wonder if she'll respond to my voicemail or if she'll be too ashamed fo herself. If she could do it then how come she's not? All it takes is hard work and nothing else. Just hard work. Some people just don't know how to do whatever it takes. Then they want to act like something was taken from them. Like I broke into her house and took this money right out of her purse. Stupid lazy bitch.

It's so easy now to tell the difference between a friend and an asshole. A friend is happy for me that I'm finally seeing some success. A friend is concerned that I'm spending too much time working, and invites me out. A friend calls to find out what's up and when I say I just opened a new escrow, they say congratulations. An asshole is everyone else.

The Crew are my friend. The Sunnyside Orphans are my friend. The Group are my friends, some of them. The Trio and The Triad are my friends. Henry Rollins is my friend. The Dischord Family are my friend. I have lots of friends. Real ones. Everyone else is an asshole. No one means anything they say. Most don't even mean what they feel. Everyone's a liar. Everyone's an asshole. I know this. I've known it since kindergarten.

What do I care? I've found something that I'm good at and they're paying me a pile of coin to do it. If you have a problem with that, then fuck you. What else have I got really, besides myself? Fuck anyone who doesn't have my back full and complete. I will do what I've always done, which is whatever I think is right. If you have a problem with that, fuck you and keep it to yourself as no one here is interested in your gratuitous opinion.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:18 PM
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Sunday, March 19, 2006

I just wrote an offer for the largest amount I've ever done. I hope this couple gets this house. They really love it and they deserve it. I love making people happy. I'm a closet people pleaser. It's a sickness. But hey, if I can make money doing it.

I'm winding down the escrow with my friends. It's been kind of hard. Whatever. As long as she gets what she wants. That's always the bottom line.

I'm ready for more. More what? More clients, more escrows, more money. I'd also like a little more free time and whole lot more weight loss. More. Please. More, please.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:52 PM
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Friday, March 17, 2006

I don't have any new escrows. I'm not scared. I'm not worried. It's all okay. It's just that Mercury is retrograde until the 25th. That always sucks. It always sucks septic green monkey's balls. I have tons of buyers. I'm getting some that are in really good price ranges, too. Gotta love those folks who can't go a dime over 1.2 million.

Fussy buyers are okay. They drive me crazy, but they're okay. Non-compliant buyers are the ones I really hate. If people would just fucking listen to me life would be so much smoother. I listen to them, why don't they listen to me?

And these stupid motherfuckers who think the market is going to crash are killing me. I don't even argue with them anymore. I don't even give a shit anymore. It's so ridiculous. It doesn't matter if the time is right. It's always a great time to buy. Always. It's not when you get in the market, it's how long you stay in the market. Just buy something. You don't even have to live in it. Stupid jackasses think they'll be able to save more money in the same time that they'd gain equity? Right. Try socking away $50,000 or more a year when you can't even give up your $8 a day Starbucks habit.

And my latest clients I just want to strangle. They're such nervous nellies. I've shown them everything available in their price range and I've shown them this one house 5 times. Five. No matter what, we keep coming back to that house. Obviously that's the one. We've been talking about writing the offer for over two weeks. How long do they think it will wait for them? I feel like writing the offer and just making them sign it.

I'm not complaining. Life is good. It's just hard sometimes.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:14 PM
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Saturday, March 11, 2006

I can't believe what an enormous dickhead Patty's Man is. I shouldn't talk shit about him. He's a client. I just can't fucking believe him.

This house he's buying for Patty has tile to kill or die for. It's a Batchelder fireplace and the kitchen it just incredible. It's been fucked with, but I can get my tilefreaks in there to restore it. The bathroom is pristine, which is kind of crazy. Usually bathrooms get messed with the worst, but this one is so amazing. I had my tilefreaks in there this morning to identify it and when Patty's Man heard how much the stuff is worth and what he could get for it he started selling it right there on the spot.

Patty burst into tears and I had to step in and remind him that the house didn't actually belong to him yet and he wasn't really the guy in charge. He didn't like that. I probably shouldn't have said anything in front of the other guys, but seriously. How can you buy something for someone who has their heart set on it and then strip it of what attracted them to it in the first place? It's like he's some kind of idiot savant.

The whole thing was a fucking soap opera. By the time we left Patty wasn't talking to her man. The tilefreaks were drooling on my car window insisting I get back to them immediately after talking with the other agent, and Patty's Man was so pissed off he just drove away like a bat out of hell. God, he's such an ass sometimes.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:49 PM
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Friday, March 10, 2006

I hate dieting.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:23 AM
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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I started a new diet today. Joy. I only have to lose a bazillion quadrillion pounds before July 1st. I don't know what it is, but whenever I start a diet I get ravenous for McDonald's. What is that? It's like I'm one of Pavlov's fucking dogs. And it's March which means Shamrock shakes are available. The one and only time my parents let me eat McDonald's when I was a kid was during March and my dad shared a Shamrock shake with me. I don't know why, but it's burned into my brain as a special time. Why? I don't know. Probably because it's part of the 10 minutes throughout his life that my dad spent with me. No. That's a lie. He also took me shopping for go-go boots when I was about 5 and he took me on the Snow White ride at Disneyland when I was really little. It was before they renovated Fantasyland.

Anyway, as I was driving towards McDonald's, unable to control my urges, I prayed to the Gods and Goddesses that they give me strength and help me. When I got to McDonald's there had been a shooting and it was completely taken over by the CSI's.

Thank you Gods and Goddesses. Please help me lose so much weight by July that I disappear when I turn sideways. Please help me become so thin that if I get a run in my hose I just slip right out. I'd like to become so thin that people think I have bulimia. No, anorexia. No, cachexia. Yes. I want to be that thin. I want people to see my breastbone, my shoulder nodules, my razor hips. I want them to see that the widest part of my arms and legs are my elbows and knees. I want to be a lollipop.

It's just something I've never, ever been. Thin. I obsess about what it's like. I want it.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:50 PM
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Sunday, March 05, 2006

I did the most bizarre open house today. We have a dog listing. I don't know what the problem is with this property. It's a huge 2 bedroom 2 bath condo 1 block from the park and 3 blocks from the beach. It's in a cute building and it has a garage and indoor washer and dryer.

We thought at first it was hanging on the market because it wasn't showing well. That shouldn't have really mattered because of the size and the location. We had it painted and put in new carpeting. Still nothing. Then we thought maybe it was the view from the balcony, which is just over some garages. So we put a bamboo screen up and some palm trees to make it look cute. Huge improvement. Still nothing.

So today I did the iPod open house. We advertised that anyone visiting the open house could register to win a free iPod Nano. We thought we'd have dozens and dozens of people. Nope. Hardly anyone visited and if L hadn't come to visit me I would've been bored out of my head.

Here's the weirdest thing. L and I were in the bathroom, because there's not really anywhere to sit in this place. She was sitting on the edge of the tub and I was sitting on the toilet lid. We heard men's voices. I came out of the bathroom, but I didn't see anyone. L followed me out to the kitchen. We were in there and looking towards the front door and then suddenly there was a man in the room. It was just so fucking weird. It's not like we walked in the door. We didn't hear him coming up the steps or walking in or anything. He was just there.

I went into my routine. I said hello and I went to hand him a flyer, but he just smiled at us and waved. He walked into the hallway towards the bedrooms. I followed him out of the kitchen and I was distracted by two ladies coming in the door. I spoke to them and while I was talking to them L went to look for the man. She couldn't find him anywhere. He wasn't in either of the rooms or the closets or the bathrooms. We even looked where the washer and dryer are.

It was just so creepy. L came back from the bedrooms and she said she couldn't find him. I asked the women if they'd seen him, too. They said they'd seen him walk to the hallway, but they hadn't seen anyone else come into the place. They didn't see him on the stairs or the front walk or anything. How could he have gotten out of the place? He couldn't have come past us. What did he do, crawl out a window?

Maybe the place is haunted. Maybe that's why it won't sell. Uglier, smaller, more expensive places have sold and this place is still sitting on the market. Why?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:31 PM
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Thursday, March 02, 2006

I was able to get away for a bit yesterday to go to Miss Ennui's mother's funeral. It was a bloodbath. I wore my vintage black suit. I think I looked cute, but that doesn't matter. I'm just glad Patty and Eliza were able to prevent a Paula Yates episode. Miss Ennui was going to wear her most inappropriate outfit ever as a tribute to her dear dead monster. I'm just glad disaster was diverted. It's good to have friends.

She was strong for the whole thing. I'm very proud of her. We all came, except Caitlin. Ben managed to slip in and then he had to run. He couldn't come graveside. That's okay. She had a lot of support. I was amazed at how well behaved Shag and Goth Boy were. Even after Miss Ennui's disgusting brother put on the biggest melodrama. Everyone just kind of looked at him like he was Courtney Love on crack. Distracting, but not interesting.

It's good to get paid. I've paid everyone back. I've paid up all the bills. I'm trying to figure out exactly how much debt I have. It's kind of frightening. I'm having my credit run tomorrow. I'm sure that will keep the fire burning under my ass.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 4:02 PM
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