Wednesday, February 22, 2006

So on top of everything else I have a new client who is a friend. This always gets messy. Always. He's totally the type who won't stand for things not going his way, too. I was kind of amazed because I showed him the property and he just walked around and walked around. He didn't ask me any questions, he just walked around kicking the tires. Then he looked at his wife and asked her if she really wanted to do this and she said yes, with all my heart. So he came back to the office and wrote the offer and it got accepted today. So now I'm putting them into escrow and I just hope everything goes right.

I'm not worried about the property. I just don't want any conflicts or drama.

Well, all right. Here we go.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:40 PM
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I have some clients who are the worst. They are as crazy as the asshole who thought he was Tony Soprano and kept saying he was going to cut my throat and bury me in cement. These two are the biggest idiots I've ever had to deal with. They're sitting on some great property and it needs to be updated, but they are having twin cows apiece about it. Plus, they are total freakshows. They act like I'm trying to screw them over somehow. I just don't get them.

I just want to slap both of them. It would be so great if I could just say what I wanted right in their faces. Look you stupid twits. What are you thinking? You think the seller is going to make this place 100% for you? Why should they? They're selling and moving on. Did you really think you were going to find a great place like that in such a cool neighborhood and that it was going to be discounted $30k AND be in spanking condition? Oh, you're willing to paint and install new carpeting? Great. Wouldn't you do that anyfuckingway? What the hell kind of people keep the same carpeting the seller had unless it's brand spanking new? And what kind of fucktards tell me to ask for a $25,000 credit towards closing costs in lieu of repairs? There's a limit to what an underwriter will let us do.

I'm just tired of having the same conversations with these idiots. I feel like I'm talking to some kids in kindergarten. I want it. I know, but you can't have it. Why can't I have what I want? Because it's unavailable. Because the person who can give it to you won't. Because it would be bad business and the seller is a property owner, not your rich uncle on his deathbed. Because buying a fixer means you'll have to do a little more than change the lightbulbs before moving in. They can't hear me. They have fucktard's disease. All they can say is that they want what they want and if I don't get it for them I'm incompetent and trying to cheat them.

I swear. If it weren't for fiduciary duty I'd dump their asses on the curb as I type.

What do I care? I have tons of business and besides these idiots, all my other clients are dreams come true. Fuck 'em. Let them walk away and find something better. I don't care anymore.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:02 PM
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Sunday, February 19, 2006

I hate married people. They're so obnoxious. I hate stupid people, too. I'm just BSI today. I had to put up with two totally obnoxious idiots and I think I've filled my quota. Like for the rest of the year, even though it's only February.

The first stupid obnoxious bitch was this woman who showed up at my open house today. It's such a cute house. It's a two bedroom, one bath, Spanish in spanking condition. It has the original floors, fireplace, bathroom tile, and lighting fixtures. It's on a big lot, and it's only $529k. At that price, you can just imagine how busy the open house was. It was swarming with people. So this idiot from South Dakota walks in with her little boy and starts looking around. She took a flyer and was kind of wandering around from room to room, which a lot of people were doing, too. The kid was just bouncing off the walls. He was picking things up, asking me a lot of questions, and just being really loud. Normal kid behavior, but this boy couldn't have stood still or been quiet if his life depending on it. I finally told him to go check out the backyard. I watched him from the bedroom window and he was out there literally running in circles.

So his idiot mother, not even paying attention to where her kid was, comes out of the bathroom and just starts laying into me about the price of houses. The place was full of shoppers and she just comes up to me and starts in about how she's so sick and tired of "you realtors" and where do we get off charging this kind of money for a tiny little shack of a house like this. I told her agents don't set the prices, the buyer's set the prices collectively and it's called the market. I invited her to look at the comps which were on the table, but she didn't want to be reasoned with. She was like a fucking charging bull. She just was on me like I was some evil real estate genius and my wicked plan for world domination was holding open houses in overpriced properties in Wrigley.

I finally just told her maybe it was time she checked on her kid. Then she looks around all in surprise and asks me where he is. Well shit, bitch. He's your kid. I told her he might be outside. So she goes out there and starts screaming at the kid and yanking his arm. Everyone in the house was watching the show. She came back in with the kid and started yelling at me that it wasn't safe for him to be playing in the backyard. I don't know what came over me. I suddenly just didn't give a shit about being professional or anything else. I just got right back in her face and told her it was time to take her kid home. She was totally stunned for about a second. Then she started yelling at me that I was incredibly rude. I handed her my broker's card and said thank you for coming. Everyone in the house was laughing when she was dragging her kid away.

The other obnoxious idiot I had to put up with is a newlywed. She just got married last July and she's one of those smug marrieds, as Bridget Jones calls them. I went out with some girls after open house and we were at the table waiting for our salads and she just started in. She asked me how things were going with faux concern. I told her they were going great. I have 7 1/8 escrows going. The 1/8 comes from a referral. Nothing like a $900 phone call to sweeten the pot. Anyway, I think she was waiting for me to say how everything sucked, because that's been my monologue for like the last two years. When I was telling her how brilliant everything is right now, it was like she was disappointed. I think she wanted me to tell her that life was shit so she could gush about how great life is because she's married. I must have messed that up for her by not being suicidal. Maybe that's why she got absolutely rabid about marriage.

She was like, well yeah life is going great, but you're still ALL ALONE. What's going on with that? Are you working so much because you don't want to think about how you're so ALONE all the time? Do you want to be ALONE forever? Don't you ever want to get married?

I've been here before. I've sat across from the newlywed or new mom who feels like she's just got her shit so tightly wrapped everyone thinks her crap doesn't stink. They never fool me.

I told her no, I didn't think I was ever going to be married, and since I didn't know anyone I would like to be married to anyway, I didn't see the point of discussing it. She got kind of huffy at that and said, well what are you saying? Are you saying you don't want to get married ever? I never know how to respond to that accusation. They make it sound like being married is a goal. Like it's a scheduled event of life. Graduate High School, Graduate College, Get Married, Have Kids, Grow Old, Die. Okay, life scheduled. Good to go.

So I just asked her who I was supposed to marry. She didn't understand. People usually don't. It's just that how can I know if I ever want to get married or not, if I haven't met the person I'd like to marry? You know? Then she asked if I'd ever met anyone I wanted to marry. I said apparently not. Then bigmouth told her I've been engaged three times. She was shocked. She asked me why I've never been married if I'd been engaged so many times. I wasn't sure if she was wondering why I didn't go through with it, or how I'd suckered three different guys into asking me. I just said that I wasn't married because I'm so damn good at dodging bullets.

Anyway, she didn't knock it off. She just said that the minute she met her husband, she knew she would marry him. She has never been so happy since she got married. Ever since she got married life just blossomed like a rose and colors are brighter, and sounds are sharper, and Zippadee doo dah, life is like a fabulous dream. Maybe it has to do with the fact that she's an unemployed housewife and her husband brings home a fat stack of bacon every month.

I asked her about that. I asked her how she knew being married was the right thing for everyone. I asked her how the special married knowledge was imparted. Was there a secret society in charge? As she was coming back up the aisle after having been introduced for the first time as Mrs. Whothefuckever did a wealth of intuitive knowledge just wash over her and a thousand lightbulbs go off over her head? Exactly how did getting married make her so much smarter than all the unmarried people? She finally shut the fuck up. She got that stupid wide-eyed, wounded, what did I do wrong look on her face and I really wanted to slap her, but she's the type who would press charges so I just ignored her. I probably won't get invited out with those girls again. I'm not sure if I care or not.

I would like to fall in love with someone who felt the same way about me. But it would have to be the right thing, you know? And how do you know it's the right thing? Maybe I'm just a pussy and all the smug marrieds are a brave bold breed. I'm just tired of people wondering if I'm a lez, because I'm still not married. I'm tired of them thinking that my being overweight means I have some kind of sexual shame and that's the reason I'm still not married. I'm tired of them having the fucking lack of sensitivity and manners in thinking that I want to discuss it with them. They think life is a Sex in the City episode. I really think I'm sick of talking about my life with people who are unworthy of participating in it.

Or maybe I'm just PMS.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:43 PM
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Thursday, February 16, 2006

Life is spinning at a dizzying pace. I have so much to do. It's crazy. I have so much to do and I only have a few hours here and there to myself. Clients come first. I can turn my phone off after 7pm, but if it's a client calling, then I answer. I go. I go to all the inpections and walk-throughs and signings and meetings. I go. I'm there. It's all good.

I just need to get paid. The earliest I'll get anything is the end of the month. This is just the last hurdle to jump.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:41 AM
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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Lalala I have another new escrow. Are you keeping count? That's 5, baby. Five escrows at the same time. Has anyone ever heard of such a thing? As a buyer's agent that's pretty incredible. I'm amazed, but kind of not. I always knew I could do it, I just didn't know how it would happen. I'm here at the office waiting for clients to come in and sign acceptance. That will be number 5.

Happy Valentine's Day for me.

Everyone is gone. I've been trying to call around and see if anyone wanted to come by the office and bring me some dinner, but apparently they're all out celebrating their bliss.

Brigid is staying at the loft with Ben and Caitlin and Enoch. I think Caitlin had her ultrasound today. I wonder how that went. I'm sure it went fine. Tonight is Henry's Valentine's show. That should be funny. I hope I get home in time. I can't listen to it here at the office. I wish my clients would just get in here already so we can get this all straightened out and then open escrow tomorrow. I want to win the contest and go to Cabo.

I feel kind of sad. Not because of Valentine's Day, but because I'm always busy and I haven't seen people like I used to. I know I have no right to complain, but I miss my friends. I haven't even seen Brigid since she got back. Drag.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Valentine's Day. Please wear condoms. Don't drink and drive. And remember, no matter how beautiful a woman is, somewhere in the world there's a man sick to death of her. Boys are dumb. They're also a dime a dozen.

If you find a guy who has a good Rollins to MacKaye ratio, though. Please call.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:16 PM
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Friday, February 10, 2006

I'm on my way over to Rhonda and Jimmie's house for the Olympics Opening Ceremony. I got a brand new fridge today. Well, it's new to me. It's a big fat cool new fridge. It's only about a year old, but the buyers on one of our listings didn't want it and the seller's didn't want to dump it. So they just gave it to me and the hauler brought it over for free and took my cruddy old noisy fridge away to the fridge graveyard. I'm grateful.

I'm just trying to clean my house a little bit before I go. You wouldn't believe how dirty my house is. It's kind of disgusting me. I need to do laundry and clean my floors. But I just don't feel like it. Plus, I got a new book today and I can't wait to get home tonight and snuggle up in bed and start reading. After the Olympics, of course.

Life is good. I like it. I hope it lasts.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:30 PM
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Thursday, February 09, 2006

Okay, so totally not to complain or anything, but I have clients coming out of every orifice. I am golden. I am blessed. I have about 12 people I'm working with right now. They're all serious, qualified buyers. They have excellent credit and reserves and they're motivated to purchase. What have I done to deserve this?

Oh, that's right. I starved for almost two fucking years.

I deserve this. I deserve every single one of these clients. I deserve all the money and all the credit and I'm going to win the buyer's escrow contest and go to Cabo San Lucas and everyone in the world who didn't believe in me can kiss my chubby white Irish ass on their way to hell. All those useless idiots who blew me off, all those so-called "friends" who didn't have my back, they can all just kiss my ass. Not that I'm going to stop what I'm doing or bend over for them, but if they get the chance let them feel free.

Lalalala. That's all I have to say. All I have to do is show up and work hard. I know how to do that. That's the easy part. Now there's money to paint the apartment. There's money to redo the floors in the kitchen and bath. There's money for iPod and DVD and a new scanner and printer. There's money to get new brakes and a tune-up for the car. There's money for new clothes and lots and lots and lots of new shoes.

But more importantly, there's money for classes and lessons and seminars and Rollins books. There's money for lunch with friends. There's money to send to Damien, Jason, and Jessie.

Now I just have to get back on track with losing all this fat I put on when I was eating junk food all the time. After that, what then? My back-up boy is taken. Well, that's what happens when you think he's your back-up boy. Fuck it. I'll just have to go ahead and marry Henry Rollins.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:46 PM
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Thursday, February 02, 2006

This morning as I was driving into work I saw something hideously beautiful. I was playing my mix CD that Ben made for me ages ago. It has St. James Infirmary on it and Gloomy Sunday. Also a lot of Ray Charles and a little Wilson Picket. The last song is I Believe in Miracles by Hot Chocolate. I was stopped at the light on Broadway and Orange and I looked over and saw Shuffles dancing. I rolled down the window and turned up the radio and watched him get down. When the light changed and I drove on he called out for me to bring the music back.

I met the coolest guy. He's so cute. He's smart, he works hard, he was in the Peace Corps. I would love to get naked with him, but I can't. Even though he flirts with me like a madman it can't ever happen. He's a client. I'll have to outsource him. I'm thinking either La Bella B or AS could put him to some good use. I wish I could though. Whenever I'm with him it's like the rest of the world disappears. When I'm not with him, I keep wondering what his kisses are like.

I'm pathetic. Once I've lost most of this weight I put back on eating Top Ramen and Cup o Soup all the time, I'll start dating again. Not clients, though. That's even worse than dating a co-worker or a friend. Off limits. No, no. Bad kitty.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:13 PM
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