Sunday, January 29, 2006

Just got in from the first fun I've had in so long. We all had to go to S on Santa Monica to kiss BG goodbye. Can you believe he's moving to upstate New York in the middle of winter? I told him to buy a triplex when he gets there. He'll be living in an apartment anyway. He might as well own it and let his tenants pay his rent for him.

The bar was so fucking crowded. I think I could be pregnant just from the body contact I encountered getting to the bathroom. Everyone came tonight. Everyone. It was good to see everybody. Sandee and Rachel and Drew and Binh. No Sean or Katrin. No Brigid or New Guy. No Gio. Everyone was there, though. JJ and LV and AM and NO and DI. It was great seeing everyone. JP came and RH and SM and VL and SN. It was so great seeing everyone. We took over the whole fucking bar as usual. JP got on the microphone and was making announcements. They were pretty funny. Then BG got up there and did some drunken schmaltzy goodbyes. It's the end of an era.

The group is such a living, breathing thing. There's a core group and then there's the satellite groups. I guess it's kind of like the main cast, then there's recurring characters, then less recurring characters, then there's the walk-on parts, and the expendable extras. I don't know what The Crew or The Sunnyside Orphans are. We come and go. It's amazing, though. Like one of our friends works for a certain cable network she doesn't like us to blog about. But, everytime a new show comes out she always asks everyone in the crowd for opinions and all. It's funny to see our suggestions come out on TV. From our mouths to God's ears.

I'm tired. I have open house tomorrow. I need another escrow. I'm addicted. Did you know the cure to all ills is money? Money is the great panacea. You should get some. It'll do wonders for you.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:02 AM
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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I got another offer accepted today. Another escrow opens in the morning. Now I have to work on my big fish and my two little couples and my other big fish.

That's all I have time to write. I'm too busy. Busy, busy, busy bee. Busy, busy, busy me.

I miss my friends. I'm exhausted. My house is a mess. I can't stop. I can't slow down. I have to keep opening escrows. And there's plenty more where these came from.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:45 PM
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I think one of my escrows is going to cancel. That kind of sucks, but not for me. I know my buyers will just get something more expensive. Maybe it won't cancel. It all depends on the net sheet, which I'll have to factor tomorrow. In any case I'm opening another escrow probably on Friday. Woo, woo, woohoo.

Plus, that's not even counting the other three offers I have floating around in counterland. There's one offer that I have to chase down the listing agent on tomorrow. Her client would be an idiot not to take our offer. But then again, the world is full of idiots. Fact is, they run the place. Then there's my little couple who lost out on their dream duplex because they didn't listen to me and only wrote for list when it was clearly priced to generate overbids. Oh, no. The husband thought I was being greedy and boosting the price by $10k so I could put more gold coins in my pockets. Right. What does $10k trickle down to me as? Oh, a big whopping $150? Guess that blows his theory. Now they want me to find them something just like it. Sure, except that we're not down in the OC where buying property is like going to the grocery store. What's that? The property you wanted is taken? No problem, let me just run in the back and get these shelves restocked. There you go, here's another one just like it fresh from the farm. Y'all come back now, y'hear?

I'm exhausted. I just got home about 10 minutes ago from the office. I was getting a huge mailing out. I missed Harmony in my Head. Now I'm so sad. I really wanted to hear Henry tonight. I know he's down under, but the sound of his voice makes me feel like life is worthwhile. It's almost like were in a war against bad music, disillusionment, ennui, and apathy and Henry is our war correspondent DJ.

I can't wait to get paid.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 12:40 AM
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Monday, January 16, 2006

I am sitting here in my warm apartment. Yes, I said warm. I got the heat turned back on. Hooray. I have written seven offers in the last few days. I'm opening escrow tomorrow. Don't get so excited. It won't pay until the first week of March. But hey, I'm in escrow. I have four other offers floating out in counterland. If I open escrow on all of them I'll have $24k coming in within the next six weeks. These aren't just people I'm talking to. These are transactions that are actually going to happen. And there's lots more where they came from.

Yup, just like that.

I've been putting in psycho hours. Every night these different clients of mine have been coming in after work to write offers. Sign here, initial there. Fax it here, drop it off there. I don't know if I'm more excited or more relieved. I don't know. I'm so fucking busy I really can't even think. I'm watching Miami CSI and doing my laundry and I just answered ancient email that I only just now read.

I'm tired. Tomorrow will be another 16 hour day. I have to run in and look at about 30 properties tomorrow. No rest for the wicked. I have to keep going. I can't stop. I can't smell the roses. I have to keep it all rolling in. Because this is the Carey show and there are no back up singers. There is no band. This is a one girl show and I'm on stage all by myself with a spotlight over my head. It's just me.

Another girl I know who's also supposedly in real estate and also supposedly working hard was totally unsupportive of me today. She was sniping at me like I don't deserve all these clients. Rolling her eyes and saying shit like "it must be nice". She gave me the total bitchy cheerleader treatment. I decided to just ignore her. She's kind of tedious at times.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:11 PM
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Sunday, January 08, 2006

I did two great open houses this weekend. I showed property like a madwoman. It's all to no avail. I'm writing offers. I have clients. None of that matters. I have no $$$. That's what the world runs on, did you know? Of course you did. The car can't go anywhere without gas. I'm out of gas. I can't even get a push to the station.

It's over. I have nothing left. I've been selling off my furniture to motherfuckers on Craigslist. I don't know whether to be grateful I've got buyers for my stuff, or to hate them for lowballing me. Cash in my pocket. That's all that matters. When I'm back on my feet, I'll get it all again. Better, though. I'll get what I really want. A house full of Heywood Wakefield. Eames Era everywhere. A decent shelf for my vinyl.

I so don't care anymore. I look around my little place and I see everything I did. I see all my hard work and I see that I'll have to let it all go just to survive. It breaks my heart. But then again, it's just stuff. Really fucking cool stuff, but just inanimate objects all the same. It's just that when you've always had nothing, and had it taken from you over and over again, you just want what's yours to be truly yours. You want what's right for you to be around you. It's comforting. It makes you feel that something is right in your life instead of the fact that your whole life is one huge fucking mistake.

I have two more job interviews this week. I talked to the TC at the office about helping out because she'd been mentioning it. She can only give me about 10 hours at $10. So that would be a whopping $340 a month after taxes. Wow. That would cover my cell phone and desk fees for a month. And yet somehow, bliss still eludes...

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 6:27 PM
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Sunday, January 01, 2006

Here I am back in my freezing cold hovel. I shouldn't say that. My places isn't a hovel. It's freezing cold, though. It's New Year's Day and I haven't left the house. I only woke up a few hours ago. I'm doing laundry now and cleaning the house. I don't know what this year's going to bring, but I'd like the house clean at least.

I'm still very sick. I'm still very tired. I'm still very, very sick and tired of my life. I have new clients. I spent all day with them yesterday showing property in the rain. We finally came back to the office to write an offer on the shittiest stinkhole I showed them. Don't get too excited. It's only a $250k place and the escrow will be for 45 days because there's a tenant. That's if the offer even gets accepted, which I have no idea if it will or not because I haven't sent it over yet. I can't find anyone connected to the property.

The other buyer's agent quit. She got a promotion from her old job and left without notice. So now I'm the only buyer's agent. Hooray, right? More for me? Now I can take all the cream and the leave the rest of the crop? Sure. Except that I have less than $80 to my name. I'm so sick of being like this. I feel like I'm constantly on the outside looking in. Like I'm standing in the garden of this fabulous house watching all this great stuff happen and there's this great guy who wants to dance with me, but I'm not really at the party. I'm standing on the wrong side of a glass window just looking in. I have no idea how to break the glass so I can actually feel the warmth of the room and walk in and taste some of the food. Pretty soon he'll figure it out and turn his back to me, too.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of living like this. It's very tedious. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay and going great. I'm tired of people asking me how I'm doing and I'm supposed to say "oh, I'm great" when really I feel dead inside. I'm tired of having to be cheerful and positive at work so that no one will get the wrong idea, even though it would be the right idea. I'm tired of eating food that's available instead of something I want. I'm just tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of things not going my way. I'm tired of struggling and trying to figure it out. I'm just playin tired. I wish I could just lay down and sleep forever.

It would be so nice to not have to worry about one more thing. It would be nice to just go to sleep and wake up somewhere filled with light and people who love me. I think about it more and more everyday. How nice it would be to not have to worry about how I'm going to keep it together. How nice it would be to not have to worry about how I'm going to pull it off. How nice it would be to not have to worry about the future.

I don't know. I think it would be pretty good. I really can't think about anything in my life that's so fanfuckingtastic that I would delay the light for it. Everyone else's life seems so full of potential and happiness. Everyone else seems like they're on their way someplace wonderful. They've got a partner who loves them or they're in the market for one. I'm not. I don't have anyone and the thought of looking for someone almost makes me physically ill. I don't want to play they crying game anymore.

I'm tired of being lied to. Everyone lies. Everyone. But I'm really tired of believing lies because I have no alternative. I'm tired of people fucking with my head. I really don't like it. It's making me mean. I don't beleive anyone. I don't believe a fucking word anyone says. You want to know what's crazy? I don't even believe Hank. I read something he supposedly said in an interview and my first thought was "bullshit". See what's happening? I'm not myself. I feel like struggling through this life is turning me into something else.

I don't like this thing I'm becoming. It's fat, it's ugly, and it's mean. That's not me. I don't want this thing around my friends. I don't want it around anyone. It thinks nasty negative thoughts about everything. It needs to go away.

I'm not afraid to die. I welcome death. I just wish it could happen privately without disturbing or involving anyone else.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 5:53 PM
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