Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I want to talk for a minute about a situation that is so painful to me I can't go on without venting. There is a Long Beach native who for a while was a bit of pride of the city. No, I am not talking about Jason Wishnow. Jason Wishnow is still the pride of the city. I am talking about Morgan J. Freeman.

This man was born and raised in the LBC and went off to Hollywood to become a big boy in the industry. We loved him when he worked on Welcome to the Dollhouse. We loved him when he did his own stuff. He was our home town boy and we thought we'd sent him off to do some good stuff. Well, we were so wrong.

Somehow he's connected himself to MTV and he's very responsible for a huge piece of dinosaur feces that is warping the minds of it's audience. I'm talking about Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County.

Have you seen this shit? It's embarrassingly bad. It's so fucking bad, so annoyingly boring I could only watch about 10 minutes. A very, very long 10 minutes. I have no idea what it's about. I don't think it's about anything.

Here's a little about Laguna Beach. Before it became the snobsville it is now, it used to be one of those funky artist places by the beach. Used to be you could drive the 133 as fast as you wanted and all you'd see is cows on the hill until you got to town. Yes, I know you've only heard about it in fairytales, but there was a time when South Orange County had an artist's community. Legend has it that's from where Weyland the whale artist hails. They used to have these kind of fun arts and crafts festivals there. Now it's all commercialized and even the Pageant of the Masters and the Sawdust Festival are blown out. They still have the basketball courts at PCH and the 133. You could run down there and dump your boyfriend off at the courts and walk over to Tippecanoes and get some of the best vintage and thrift. It's all blown out now. The celebrities started getting away from it all down there and that's when we knew it was the beginning of the end.

The end has come, my friends. Morgan J. Freeman brought it wrapped in a big red MTV bow. I understand that when MTV knocks on your door, it takes an act of God to keep most folks from getting out their kneepads. Boycott Morgan J. Freeman. Boycott him forever, or at least until he starts working with Rob Zombie or something. Yeah, like that's ever going to happen.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:15 PM
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Sunday, August 28, 2005

I can't stand this heat. I feel like a big fat pig sweating in a puddle of mud. I am so busy with clients, but I haven't been paid yet. I need money. What's new? MP and I need to get going with the notary.

I have a lot of catching up to do. I feel like I'm always running behind. Every day I have showings like a crazy person. I'm writing contracts every other day. I love it, but I'm going crazy.

My house is a mess. My laundry is walking itself to the washer. I have no food in the house. I don't care. I just worry about getting at least six hours of sleep and having a clean outfit for the next day.

Summer is over next weekend. I'm glad. I need time to think .

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:55 PM
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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Busy, busy, busy! I'm so busy! I have clients and I'm busy, and I'm actually happy. I realized it today as I was driving down Miraleste in San Pedro. I decided to drive by my uncle's house and say hello. He was out front watering his beautiful lawn in a pair of shorts like a jeffe. I drove up and he squinted his eyes. When I stepped out of the car, he shouted "Hilloooo". We chatted for about 10 minutes and I went inside for about 5 minutes to say hi to my auntie.

I drove around Gaffey and back down to the VT Bridge and came back to the office. I like being busy. I like being excited about what's happening in my life. I love my friends and I'm looking forward to every day. Is this bliss? Is this enough?

The only thing is that I think Homeland Security has been alerted of the size of my ass and I'm desperately afraid that the National Guard is going to shoot me with an elephant gun. I'm starting the Zone with MP next week. Not a moment too soon. I'd go into hididng, but there's nowhere for someone my size to hide. Fuck it. They can shoot me if they can find me. I'll die happy, but not as happy as I'll be when I see Rollins in Vegas.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 4:58 PM
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Friday, August 19, 2005

Happy Full Moon to me...

My *^%$ friends that I spent a whole week of my life driving out to Moreno fucking Valley looking for houses for and setting them up, just went and got into escrow with some other agent. I am so fucking pissed at them. It's not about the money. I only would have made about $2500 from the sale, it's just the fact that they wasted my time, my money, and my gas on their stupid crap. They are so disrespecful. I'll be over it in three days.

Other than that, I spent over 10 hours at a fucking home inspection yesterday. It was a horrible nightmare. The buyer was such a bitch that at the end I just told her I had to hurry up and get back to the office so I could start the cancellation of the escrow. She got all upset and called my boss. That got my boss in a tizzy, but after I explained to her what a horrible bitch she was during the home inspection, my boss understood. We didn't return calls all day today and her attitude totally changed by the end of the day. She's totally calmed down and just wants the house. She'll get it, if she stops fucking with us.

I'm starting the zone soon. I'm going to lose a bazillion trillion pounds a day. I opened escrow today on another property. I have to start working on the September escrows.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:31 PM
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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I'm exhausted. I had to get up this morning at 5am so that I could get ready for work and then get over to Rho and Jimmie's for Henry and Heidi. The show was great as always, except for the part where Henry played Vanilla Ice. It was for a good joke, though. I love them. I wish they would be on every week and on IFC every month forever. But I can't have my cake and eat it, too. Henry would drop dead of exhaustion if I got as much fo him as I wanted, and if he's half as tired as I am now, he's nearly there.

Mr. Baby was so funny. I was holding him during most of the show and he was wide awake and making sounds, but as soon as Henry started talking, Mr. Baby would get quiet and really pay attention. He would stare at the speaker and just be mesmerized. It was kind of cool to watch. Henry didn't have to apologize to Dickie's listenership. It's early in the morning. People need to wake the fuck up anyway.

Today was hellish. Escrow totally screwed up this closing and even though it's recorded and the buyer already started moving in, they called her and told her she had to come back in and bring them $3,273. Uh, fuck you. I'm so glad she called me. It would have been easier to understand her if she hadn't been crying so hard, but I would have been crying too. What a bunch of jerks. They totally miscalculated her impounds and tax prorations and I think it should be their lunch. My boss had to come in and scream at them and it was actually kind of scary. It was like she was possessed or something. She had the escrow girl in tears. Then the supervisor of the lending company called us. That was big. That's like having the regional director of say, Bank of America calling. My boss is a pit bull. I need to take a CPR refresher because I so think she's gonna go on me. It'll be during a dogfight on the phone, I'm sure.

I'm bothered by two things I saw on TV and one thing I heard from friends today. The first thing that bothered me was the Pam Anderson roast on Comedy Central. It was amusing, but what the fuck with Courtney Love? Is she that needy for attention? She'll show up for that shit? She kept talking out of turn and trying to call attention to herself and she was her usual boring obnoxious self. And then she almost fell off the stage again. I can't even feel sorry for her anymore.

"Over There" is a new show on FX. It's about the Iraq war. Yes, the one we are currently living through via the news. What the fuck? Does anyone else think this is a sick disgusting thing? A weekly TV drama about a war that is currently being fought is wrong. It's wrong! Are all the profits of this show going towards anti-war movements? Maybe they'll donate the profits to the disabled veterans of the war, or their widows and orphans. AND, most disgusting of all, I've seen US Army commercials during the show. What the hell? This is so fucking wrong. I should write a letter. I should write it on Miss Ennui's chest so they'll actually open it and maybe read it.

The last thing that bothered me today is that jerk in Ohio. I don't know the whole story, but apparently he's been writing to one of Miss Ennui's friends so he can find out who the guy is who has the blog now. The whole drama continues. Then Miss Ennui wrote about her friend on her blog and he sent a copy of it to her friend and tried to start a catfight. What an ass.

I need a minute to myself. I need to go to the grocery store and to finish my laundry and get myself together. Next week MP and I are starting the zone. I can't wait. I'm ready to lose a milion pounds.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:41 PM
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Monday, August 15, 2005

My boss came back today and hit the roof. I got her into a contract with people she hates. The seller of the property I got for my little family is someone she's dealt with before and she hates them and their realtor. Oops.

Had I known I would have pushed them a little harder towards something a little closer to the East Village. There's another place they really liked but it doesn't come with any parking which is a big stinking drag. But that property is adjacent to a parking lot owned by a certain other aging punker who still runs a local label. I called him up and spoke to him about getting extra revenue by renting out his lot for night parking. He seemed into it. I hope this deal goes through. My poor little family needs to move as soon as possible.

MP has lost 22 pounds this month on the zone diet. He loves to cook all his zone meals and freeze them in his big freezer. He wants me to start doing it with him. Shit. If I can lose even 15 pounds in one month I'll do whatever he wants me to with him. Because he's a gay boy, that's why. There's no safer place for a girl than in a gay man's bed, anyway.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 5:44 PM
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Saturday, August 13, 2005

Could life be any more wonderful? I'm going to Henry's 25 year show at the House of Blues in Vegas. We're having a slumber party weekend at Sean and Katrin's. I can't wait to see her meditation chamber. It's Thanksgiving weekend, so after Rhonda's we're all making a pilgrimage to the HoB to worship St. Henry the Punk. I think everyone's going. I hope they're prepared for us. It's going to be insane.

Patty and her man got married in Vegas this week. Can you believe it? I think it was all just to piss off Douglas the dick. They're made of stronger stuff than me. I've been engaged three times and never married. Scared of that. I dodged three bullets and I think I'm done.

I saw Stairmaster today. he was eating on the patio at Taco Surf and I was sitting in the infamous Saturday afternoon traffic on 2nd street. I happened to look over and I saw him with the strangest girl. She looked nothing like me. She was tall and anorexic thin. She's very dark and thin-lipped and looked like a glamazon. She had long dark nails and she was dressed nice, but kind of glammy and glittery. I looked at them unitl traffic moved and I couldn't help wondering what the fuck he ever saw in me? If that's his type of girl, how did the two of us ever hook up? She's like the exact opposite of me. It's so weird. If that's what he wants, why was he ever with me? She looked like she had no boobs or bottom at all. I'm not catting her. She's really pretty, but so different from me. Strange.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 4:10 PM
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Monday, August 08, 2005

Stairmaster and I are through. Absolutely and completely. We are so over. We are as over as Kidman and Cruise. We are more through than Aniston and Pitt. We are as done as Clinton and Lewinsky. We have broken up forever like Yugoslavia. There is no Stairmaster and me.

I'm totally okay with it. I never realized how totally shallow he is. I knew we were just sex, but sex with someone so shallow is actually kind of sucky. He came over and I thought we were going to have some hot sex like always and instead it turned into this whole drama and then it turned into a huge fight and he dumped me while I was screaming at him to get the fuck out of my house.

He's not the connection I'm looking for. I'm going back to Mother Holley. At the drum circle she was talking about the search for love and I was into it but that wasn't the subject so I don't really know where she's coming from. As soon as I close escrow I'll be able to afford a private session.

Stairmaster left a pair of briefs, some CD's , and a flash drive at my house. I'm taking Brigid's cue and throwing them all out into the alley.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:05 PM
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Sunday, August 07, 2005

Am I a miracle worker or what? I found my client a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath townhome with association pool, tennis court, running stream landscape, in the Virginia Country Club with an attached garage, and a ginormous patio for less that $500,000 and hoa dues under $300 a month. I am amazing.

Here's my next trick. I have a client who can only afford $400K max, and she's been living in Santa Monica so she's a little beach spoiled. She needs a two bedroom 1.5 bath at least and she can't go over hoa of $200. Plus, she has to have a garage because parking just fucking sucks. No problemo. Lucky for her I'm her realtor and I found her all that, on Ocean, corner building, with a pool, hoa of $162 and a super hunky straight guy neighbor to boot.

Now if I can just get my little Spanish family into something. I'm taking them out today. I have a bunch of shit to show them on Sepulveda in Carson, but I'm also going to show them how good life can be in Bixby. Whatever they choose is fine by me, but I would choose Bixby.

Last night we saw our favorite all punk all cover band. They played only Simon and Garfunkel songs and they called themselved Heidi May's Hair-Do. Bridge Over Troubled Water and The Sound of Silence were really slamming, but I liked Feeling Groovy which they did in French for some reason. Ce Bon La Vie.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:06 AM
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Friday, August 05, 2005

Once is not enough. I opened escrow on Wednesday and my new boss is already grilling me on the next one. I'm anxious, too. I'd like to get as many as quickly as I can. Tomorrow I'm showing an accountant some condos. Sunday morning I'm showing a family some homes on the westside. I hate the westside, but if that's what they want who am I to talk them out of it?

I'm so jealous of Ben. I love his new place and not just because I helped him pick it out and not just because he let me decorate it. I want a place of my own. I can't wait for the market to correct itself. I can't wait to pick up some foreclosures. I feel bad for the people who will get foreclosed on and I hope it only happens to bad people, but I know it will happen to a lot of people, good and bad, and I'll be there waiting.

I think I'm really ditching Stairmaster for absolutely sure. He's not right for me. I don't want to waste his time, or mine. Next time he calls, I'll tell him to just lose my number.

I'm tired of the heat. I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of trying to lose weight. I'm tired of struggling.

I need a nap.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:23 PM
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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I saw JW last night and he told me about a party he'd been to a few weeks ago. He saw Malcolm McLaren there and he looked like skinny British freakshow death warmed over and he had a skinny blond Baywatch babe on his arm. She talked baby talk the whole time and JW said at the end of the night Malcolm was literally drooling out the side of his mouth and onto himself. How gross.

But before that, all Malcolm wanted to talk about was fashion and punk rock. Apparently he invented punk, or so he tried to tell the very few people who were paying any attention to him at the party. His comments were so obnoxious that JW asked him if he was related to Lyle Lovett as he looked just like him. This upset Malcolm and the blond on the arm asked who Lyle Lovett was. After Malcolm made more obnoxious comments about revered deceased icons, namely Joe Strummer and The Ramones, JW got on the phone to his mother and told her he was at the most fabulous party ever and that he was with a Lyle Lovett impersonator. His mom told him she was happy if he was happy and hung up. I love Mrs. W. She always takes everything in stride.

When JW got off the phone with mom he asked Malcolm when the E True Hollywood Story would be coming out about Haysie Fantaysie. Malcolm just gave him a dirty look and dragged his paid date off to drink themselves into oblivion. I asked JW what he was doing at such a party and he said he was supposed to meet a networking buddy to talk about a gig. The guy never showed. What a waste of a night.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:22 PM
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