Thursday, March 31, 2005

I closed escrow on the House of Mold. I am Realtor of the Year, self-designated. I had my hair done and a facial today. It was so relaxing. I fell asleep for a minute there. I think I'll take myself for a massage when I get paid. I deserve it.

I have to get the next deal. I'm working on it. I feel like I have so much still to do for this one. I have to get my client a closing gift and then disburse the funds. All to my plethora of bills.

I'm too exhausted to blog. I'll blog tomorrow.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:35 PM
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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I don't know what's wrong with the blogs now. I'm kind of tired of being blogmistress. So obvious I have no idea what I'm doing. Shouldn't Goth Boy be in charge? He's a flash designer by trade. Patty's man would be even better. Neither one of them would do it. They can't stand doing anything web design related if they're not getting paid for it. Anyway, I can't ask either one of them anything because Patty's Man is still in London and Goth Boy and Miss Ennui don't get home from Paris until Saturday.

Final walk-through on my escrow is Thursday morning. Dear Universe, please let everything go perfectly smoothly. I can't wait to get paid. No really, I can't.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 6:48 PM
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Sunday, March 27, 2005

Water water everywhere. Selling this house has been an ordeal. It's been a trial by water. First it was the rains that wouldn't stop. Then it was the MOLD, oh heaven's above. Finally, we got it all straightened out and I thought we were home free, well home for $685,000 actually. Then last weekend my seller called and told me that the downstairs bathroom kept filling up with water.

Long story short it was the neighbor's water heater. But then before we repaired the wall the buyer's wanted the mold guy to come check out the walls and make sure they were dry enough. It wasn't. Actually, when he peeled the back off the sheetrock, there was black mold all up and down the wall. I didn't say anything. I didn't take off my high heels and beat him in the head. I didn't scream or collapse in a faint. I just smiled and said thank you and we'd be in touch.

My poor seller. All he wants to do is get that house sold and move back to the LBC. It should've been a slam dunk. I don't know if it's him or me. MP says every escrow I touch turns into a soap opera. Yeah, like I've had so many escrows. He's probably just bitter because he doesn't have any right now. It'll work itself out.

In a week it'll all be over. My seller will get paid. I'll get paid. He'll go to the day spa and then we'll get him into his new house. Then I'll work on selling that investment property and getting that seller into an upleg.

Being a realtor is really hard. I just want everyone to know that.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:26 PM
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Thursday, March 24, 2005

I am so fucking sick and tired of retards who either cannot or will not do whatever the fuck it is they are supposed to be doing. What's my problem now, is that what you're asking?

Here's my problem. Actually, here's a rundown of my current problems.
1. The idiot fucking morons at the Anthony Schools place have lost my request for exam a total of 7 times. Yes, 7. Same number as Snow White's dwarves. Same number of days in the week. Same number as the infamous Chicago 7. I think. I'm sure I'm right. Anyway, when I called them to find out what the hell was going on, they said, again, that they didn't have my request on file and that they had emailed me the test. Conflicting information? Yes, I caught that, too. I'll admit I said things I probably shouldn't have, but please try to understand. Not only have they been emailing a dead account because they input my email as hotmail instead of yahoo, but I had requested they send my test to my proctor as I did not want to take the test online. The bitch in customer service was really obnoxious, so I asked to talk to her supervisor's supervisor. She asked why I couldn't just talk to her supervisor and I said becaue anyone overseeing her work was obviously incompetent or lazy as well. She didn't like that. After I'd bitched it out with her supervisor's supervisor I faxed them all the information again. And again, and again. I wrote on the cover page that I wanted them to be absolutely clear about what they were supposed to do so I was sending the original request, all the proofs of previously faxing, the proof of payment, and all my contact information. I also wrote that since I was sure they were going to lose or mishandle the fax I would be sending and resending it throughout the day and until my proctor received the test.

2. I had to call the DRE to ask them what the hell I was supposed to do. Calling the DRE is like, well, calling the DMV. They suck, they have no one answering the phones, and even when someone does answer, they can't really answer anything else, such as questions you needed answered which would have been why you were calling in the first fucking place. I ended up calling them about 67 times according to the phone log. I left three messages for the supervisor. In each of them I stated it was an urgent matter. In the last one I stated that I was familiar with passive aggressive behavior and that I realized I would never be receiving a return call, much less answers to the questions I had, and that if they didn't know the answers, or weren't willing to provide them if the did know, or just enjoyed messing with people who needed answers, that I wished them well in their endeavors. I told them they were really great at elaborate hoaxes, such as the one about the customer service at the DRE in which people called and called and never spoke to a live person. I told them the myth of the customer service supervisor was truly a classic. My manager overheard me and came by to compliment me on conveying my extreme anger and dissatisfaction without using any profanity. I thanked him.

3. The boy I've been dating has been on his way over for the last three days. Tuesday night he kept emailing me instead of calling, why? I don't know. Maybe an anvil fell on his head and he can only behave like a cartoon now. So Tuesday night didn't happen. Then yesterday he was all full of apologies. He said he was coming over last night with wine and that he would get caught up in each other. What the fuck ever. Then he calls and says he got tied up at the job and it was getting late and whatever. I kind of hung up on him. I was really pissed. Then today we've been naughty emailing each other all day and he was supposed to be here at 6:30. At 7:15 I opened my email so that I could tell everyone how I'm breaking up with him and I see that he emailed me to say he was taking his mother out to dinner and that he would be right over afterward. What the fuck?

First of all, does he think I'm permanently attached to email? Plus, does he think he's the only one who has a crazy day at work? And not only that, maybe I would like to go out to dinner. Why does he just assume I'll be here when he wants to come over? See? Now I have to kick his ass. I have no other choice but to dump him.

What a fucking drag. Here I thought we were getting closer and instead of having a cool guy to make out with, instead I have no guy because I have to dump him. I can't even call him to say goodbye. I have to wait for him to figure it out and reach out to me so that I can tell him what an ungrateful, noncommunicative ass he is.

I'm going to see Rollins at McCabe's with Patty and Miss Ennui and Rhonda, if she's not in heavy labor. Sean and Jimmie can sit by themselves. It's going to be an all girl Rollins night. No guys allowed.

Guys are so dumb.

I'm swearing off boys until my birthday at least.

What a drag.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:21 PM
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Friday, March 18, 2005

Tomorrow SN and I are going up to Santa Barbara to see AS. We're also going to the museum where she works to see the new exhibits. We're doing a Craigslist tour. I hope the drive up will be fun. It usually is with SN. We're ditching the people we've been dating to go have regular non-dating no drama fun. Does anyone do that anymore?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:22 PM
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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

It looks like my escrow is back in progress. Hooray! That's good because I need a dollar. If all goes well in three weeks I'll be able to buy another car. Hohoho. Merry Christmas to me. I wonder if I can sell the car I have now or if it will be better to donate it?

I'm so tired. I haven't had any fun in a while. Tomorrow it's work, work, work all day long. Then Friday I'm with MP's client. Saturday I'm up in Santa Barbar with AS and SN and then Sunday I'm going to see the Ring 2 with La Bella B.

See why I can't clean my house? No time.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:25 PM
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Friday, March 11, 2005

Last night I called the buyer's agent on my listing on her work line and her cell phone to let her know my client couldn't give her clients any more time to decide if they want the house or not. She never called me back. This morning I called both her numbers to let her know we were cancelling the escrow because the buyer's were not performing. By the time I actually got in the office the buyer's had called me three times and were on hold for me. I was very surprised. FYI, if the buyer's are calling the seller's agent directly, there's a big fucking problem with communication. I asked them where their agent was and they said she hadn't called them back. Typical.

Turns out the buyer's didn't know anything that was going on. Their agent just kept telling them everything was great until all of a sudden my client decided to pull the rug out from underneath them for no apparent reason. I tried to not talk to them because it's way out of line for an agent to be talking to a represented principle without the principle's agent present or available, but they wanted to be heard and I was afraid that if I hung up with them they would have interpreted it as a hostile action. The gist of it is they pleaded their case with me and I took it back to my seller and he agreed to let them do this one last thing so they could make a decision in due diligence. I was able to convey to my seller that the buyers weren't just fucking with him and letting him twist in the wind.

So I called their agent to let her know that I'd spoken with her clients, and was prepared to let her know where we were stood and what was going on and the unbelievable nasty was a complete bitch to me on the phone. She was barking orders at me and then she said why don't we just let the lawyers handle everything. So I told her that I'd called to tell her some things and that if she didn't let me speak without interrupting I would end the conversation. She said "Go for it" in her nasty tone so I went ahead and hung up.

Hoo Boy Howdy. Y'all would not believe the ruckus that caused. Pretty soon my broker was on the phone with her broker and all the dogs were barking. My phone is still ringing. I told my seller to only answer the phone for me or the contractor that's being sheduled. When he got home he checked his caller ID thing and 18 calls had come in for him regarding this whole thing.

Who said it was going to be fun selling real estate? Who said it would be easy money? Why did I believe them?

We'll see what happens. They do their investigation, they'll find out what's going on, they'll decide if they can handle it or not. If not, the escrow falls out and my client takes the house off the market and goes somewhere to recuperate in the tropical sun with pina colada therapy until he can bring himself to begin the ordeal agin.

I will, of course, keep all of you posted on the nest segment of "As The Mold Grows".

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 6:58 PM
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Thursday, March 10, 2005

I just drew up cancellation of escrow on my listing. I'm so sad. Now I dont have money coming in and I can't pay my rent again and I won't be able to buy a new car and I'm fucked. Again. What a stinking drag. I'm so disgusted with that other agent. She's a fucking idiot and her paperwork was the sloppiest I've ever seen.

Now we have to wait a week and put it back on the market. It's already been on the market for months and I'm afraid my seller is getting cold feet. Fuck! I'm so pissed at those idiots.

Okay, no problem. I'll just get back to work. Find more clients. Bring me a buyer who wants the property and can close.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:12 PM
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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

I think I'm going to have to dump the buyer on my listing. She's a giant pain in the ass and she won't stop asking for more. I don't know what her problem is. I don't know what the fuck the problem is with her agent, either. I gave her 3.25% of the commission. We let them have a longer escrow to accommodate them. We let them have their price, even though I had two other buyers at full asking. I just can't believe these fucking people. Here's what happened:

They submitted an offer of more than 20k less than asking, even though the asking price was really reasonable to begin with. We countered them for midway between their lowball and full asking price, my seller's decision, not mine. They came back with only 3k more. What cheapskates. In the meantime, we got two more offers at full asking so we took the better one and put the other in 1st back up and these people into 2nd back up. Then our original buyer couldn't close the deal because of the stinking Patriot Act, so we dumped them and called back up number 1. Their stupid agent had told them that back up offers never come through so they went and got into escrow on something 500 square feet smaller for 15k more. So then we were back to these people.

We could have countered them for full price again, because they had rejected our counter offer of midway by countering with their piddly 3k more. But my seller mistakenly thought that if we were accommodating we'd have a smooth transaction. This is why a lot of people are never nice. People mistake kindness for weakness. Since we let these buyers have the midway price they have not stopped asking for more. It's very annoying.

They wanted to be involved in his landscaping plan, even though landscaping is what he does for a living. He's shared with them photos of the plants and gave them a design plan and sketches of what it will look like when it's done. I told him he could only do it by email so I could have a record of the discussions for the file. Normally buyer and seller do not communicate outside of their agents. Can you believe they asked for more palm trees? During the home inspection it was raining, and by the way have I mentioned this has been the wettest season in Southern California in 115 years? So the inspector mentioned some damp spots and as CYA he reccommended a mold inspection. AND THEY TOOK HIM UP ON IT!

So they didn't give me a request for repairs until they got their mold report, which states that there is no active growth and that it is only the penicillin (mildew) kind of mold which is actually from my client spraying the corner where his cat had peed. Because of the rain, it didn't dry and got a little mildewy.

So I finally get their request for repairs on Friday night when their contingency removal is supposed to be Sunday. These people asked for every single thing on the inspection report to be replaced or repaired, including the little cracks in the planter from the tree root and a new water heater. Plus they added a bunch of little things like they want to be able to personally look inside the closets and cabinets for anything their inspector may have missed. So, they want my seller to move all his stuff so they can take a look and see if there's anything they don't like inside the closets or cabinets. Plus, they want a remediation company to come and do full containment and remediation on the house before they'll sign off on the contingencies. Can you imagine what a final walk-through would be like?

We basically told them to fuck off. We gave them a credit option and told them they could deal with it themselves or walk. You know they're not going to be happy unless they have total control. We decided it would be better to just give them some money back and have it done to their satisfaction. That way when they sue everyone later we can say we had nothing to do with it. We also gave them a notice to perform. They have until tomorrow at 2pm California time to decide if they want to shit or get off the pot.

I was in rare form today when I was talking to the agent. I reminded her that she was getting way more than average commission, we agreed to their dates for close of escrow, we let them have 20 days for inspection period, we let them have their escrow which was a big mistake because they're apparently staffed by neuropsych patients in occupational rehab, we were johnny on the spot for all their goddam inspections, and it just goes on. Once this escrow is closed, we don't ever want to hear from whomever the buyer is again. Ever. I almost feel like these buyers are setting us up to be sued later. They just can't stop nitpicking and their agent is an alarmist.

They have to move in 3 weeks. There's nothing else available in my seller's zip code except a 2 bedroom condo for only 3ok less than our asking price. I think these buyer's are spoiled and stupid to boot. I almost would rather we dumped them so we could get better buyers who actually want the property. It's not up to me. My seller is not budging. He's willing to give them the credit and be done with it and if that's not good enough for them, then we both start all over again.

What a pain. Why are people so fucking stupid?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:49 PM
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Monday, March 07, 2005

I put an offer on the Nightmare on Lime Street today for BR. There's twelve other offers pending and she's going to present to the executor of trust tomorrow. We won't be the highest bidder by far, but maybe after it falls out of escrow a few times because it won't appraise, can't get loan approval or insurance, maybe then they'll come back to us and accept our all cash no contingency offer. I hope so. It would be so great to be a part of restoring that house. It would make me feel happy.

MP's car got broken into last night. They took his laptop, his PDA, his iPod, his digital camera, his briefcase, and basically his entire professional life. He keeps calling me and yelling every time he remembers something else that was in the car. Totally sucks. I keep trying to convince him to buy the Prius that he wants and to sell me his car, but so far he's only hearing me and not acting on the information.

I called JE today. I almost threw his number away because he hasn't called me back in a few like he says he will. Today was good, though. We have an appointment on Thursday. I just broke it down to him. You have to buy, I said. You might as well get it over with so you can be moving in a few months instead of still looking during the feeding frenzy summer months. He agreed. I also called TS. He's still on tour with M and L. Poor TS. He cracks me up. I don't know if he'll buy that place on Ocean, but if he doesn't I don't know what else to show him. Pretty much it's everything he asked for at the price he stated.

I just need the buyer's agent to call me on my listing and tell me her clients agree absolutely with us on everything and have signed off on all the contingencies and actually, will be closing escrow a week early. Such a lovely dream.

I feel so bad for MP. I know it was probably some tweaker who lives on his block who did it. He's so mad at himself because last night was like the one night that he didn't haul all of his stuff into the house. I made copies of all the software for him today.

Dirty filthy nasty rotten people sicken me. People who try to keep the shit flying are just so worthless. I find them utterly useless and unnecessary.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 6:50 PM
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Sunday, March 06, 2005

I got into an accident yesterday. What a giant pain in my ass. I was sitting in the meridian to make a left and this guy just ran right into my driver's side. He tried to drive away but his car stalled. I got out and took down his license plate number and then he got out and showed me that his children were in the car. He didn't speak much english but he understood me when I said I was calling the police. He didn't want that. Neither did I actually. He complained that I was in the middle of the street. He didn't think that was allowed. I assured him it was and that what wasn't allowed was for him to run into me. He started crying and showed me his children in the back seat again. I don't know what that was all about but after arguing for about 15 minutes in the middle of Ximeno I finally followed him to the ATM and he gave me $300. He said it was all he had and I believed him. What a giant pain. Now for absolutely sure I have to get a new car.

Today MP and I took my client to the Nightmare On Lime Street. We also took BR, the designer. This house breaks my heart. It was built in the early 20's in Spanish Gothic style. It's over 1500 square feet on a 8200 lot. It's in Willowville which is okay I guess. The woman who died was the first and only owner. She was living alone in the house up until about 8 months ago when she went into the hospital. Apparently she moved in when it was new construction and never changed anything but the lightbulbs. It still has the original electric, plumbing, heating, flooring, and tile. Oh, the tile. She never freshened the paint. She never changed the wallpaper. The original drapes were rotting off the rods. The fridge and stove were already gone and I noticed one of the drop cards from Bond's on the counter. I don't know what was in there but if Bond's was by it was vintage and probably fabulous. The curtain rods were the black wrought iron gothic style. The wallpaper was pretty cool. It had all these funky geometric shapes and it was kind of peachy and gold I think, originally. At some point this woman must have lost her vision and her sense of smell because there was layers of dust and the place stank like rotten eggs, fetid water, and stale cat urine.

It has a round tower foyer with the fortress door and peekaboo window. The entry tile was from A&L and it's amazing. I don't know how they matched the designs on the wallpaper with the tile. MP thinks the drapes once matched, too before they rotted away. The entry lets you into the great room which had two sets of triptych windows and a double fireplace. The tile around the fireplace was totally cool. It's kind of iridescent. On each side of the fireplace are these ornate sconces and then a doorway to the patio room which was behind the fireplace. Two of the walls of that room were all windows and the other one was built-in shelves and a wine rack and a doorway to the dining room. All of those rooms had vaulted ceilings.

The tile in the kitchen was french blue and white, originally. It has a really cool milkbox from the milk and cheese delivery days. All the knobs in the kitchen are french blue glass with a little rooster cut inside. To the right of the kitchen was a den, then a hallway that led to the bathroom and the two bedrooms. The bedrooms were very cute with lots of built-ins in the closet. The bathroom was all original. It still had the pedestal sink and the sunset theme on the sconces and the cut glass mirrors. The tile in the bathroom was the coolest. It was A&L black and yellow with a sunset border.

The yard was really beautiful, once. The greatest thing about it now, beside the lot size, is the fountain. It's huge and it's covered in tile that depicts the four seasons as you go around it. The little children in the Spring eventually become elderly in the Winter. It's just so cool.

We all stood around in the house and the yard for over an hour talking about how gorgeous it must have been and how wonderful it would be to restore it. BR broke the news. It's going to cost more to restore the house than to buy it. Besides, it's in Willowville. When all is said and done, what the hell is anyone going to do with a $600,000 2 bedroom 1 bath in Willowville?

He'll probably buy the naked black man's house. That's another amazing piece of architecture. The lot's smaller, and it doesn't have as many fantabulous vintage details, but maybe we can buy them off the trust from the Nightmare On Lime Street.

We'll see. It all depends on if we have a real sale on his place yet or not. The buyer's ran out of contingency today and I sent them a notice to perform. Hey, there. Shit or get of the pot. Go or no go?

I love closing escrow. It's my favorite thing in the world. After sex and Henry Rollins, of course. Actually, it's only in my top ten. But even then, that's pretty good right?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:06 PM
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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Today was a pretty good day. I started to believe that everything was going my way. I woke up late and put on my new skirt that I absolutely love. It goes perfectly with my chocolate slingbacks and my cocoa colored ruche top. I felt pretty. I went to MP's house, but we were too late for the tour. I didn't mind because sometimes tour can be a drag. MP was writing his client's letters. I took a book off his shelf called "Instant Analysis". I think I'll send a copy to my ex-therapist when I get a dollar.

AA called and even though MP and I are trying to phase him out he insisted on going to lunch. So I insisted on Mimi's even though the guys both wanted Mongolian BBQ. It's not a girly thing with AA. I have to get rid of him. He's so toxic. He was sitting in the back seat talking mad shit about how I never answer my phone and blah blah blah and how everyone hates me because I never answer my phone and how he was doing me a favor by telling me all this and on and on. I just stared straight ahead and breathed in and out the great "I AM". I didn't turn around and strangle him by his Dior tie he keeps showing me. I didn't start screaming that I'd placed everyone of any importance to me into caller groups so that I would recognize their tune and that it was my phone and my business and that if I didn't feel like answering it I wouldn't. I thought it but I didn't shout it. I just looked out the window as we drove past the grand dames of Ocean Boulevard.

I'm working on a historical project with MP. I think it will be really cool when we are done. I closed an escrow but I still haven't been paid yet. It's going to be less than I thought. I was upset at first but now I'm just focusing on closing more escrows. More, please.

Tomorrow I have to be at the office by 930 because at 1000 the limo's will line up and take us all up to LA to lunch at some five star place and then on to a reception at wherever the hell to have a champagne and strawberries meeting so they can introduce us all to their product. I got the memo reminding us of the limo lunch tomorrow along with a memo reminding us that kickbacks are strictly prohibited and cause for disengagement. Disengagement is what they call it in real estate when an independent contractor gets fired.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm riding with MP, NF, AR, CW, and I don't know who else but that will be enough to have a rockstar ride.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:26 PM
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