Saturday, February 26, 2005

We fucked up. There's just no other way to say it. What we did was so fucking stupid and I won't forgive myself for the longest time. Maybe never. I don't know why we let ourselves do it. Why did we talk ourselves into thinking it was okay? And to him of all people? Fuck. We totally fucked up. I want to go back and change everything. I'd like a do over, please. Hello? Universe? Can you hear me? I'd like a do over.

What the fuck am I talking about? Wouldn't you like to know. I can't tell you. No, not even here on the semi-anonymous Blogger. I can't say because it's just too risky. HR is bound to find out what we did and even though he claims not to believe in any of this shit, we'd still be fucked. Double fucked for life. I'm rambling, I know. It comes with the territory. Fuck.

We totally fucked up and I'm embarrassed to say it. We're all supposed to be grown-ups (whatever the fuck that means) and we're all supposed to know better. Better than what? Better than fucking up like we did. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'll tell you what happened. Not now, but later. After I figure out a way to apologize and fix what we did. I have no idea how to undo what we did. I'll find out a way. We can't be the first dumb fucking idiots to have fucked up like we did. We can't be. Someone else must have done this, too. I'll find a way to fix it. God knows research is all I'm good for.

God, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for what we did.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:01 PM
____________________________

Friday, February 18, 2005

I am waiting for MP to get here. We are going out to see either Boogerman or Constipated. I had my hair done today. It's good that I only get my hair done once every five weeks. I can't take anymore. Sitting in my sister's chair, at her mercy with color in my hair, unable to get up and walk away. It's too much sometimes.

There's just too many of us. That's why we all have to seperate and mark our territories and claim our space. I asked my hair salon sister if she'd heard from our little sister, aka The Center of the Know Universe. She said yes and caught me up to date. I'm more than a little pissed at the Center of the Known Universe because she ignores my letters and never answers my calls or returns messages. I'm just so sick of her shit.

It's always been nonstop drama with her. Her life was worse than shit. There, I said it. Have I ever tried to deny it? No. I've always acknowledged her and supported her art and tried to be there for her. So she can ignore me. I'm so tired of this bullshit. I know why she's ignoring me. Because I'm her mirror and she doesn't want to look.

So hair salon sister says today that the Center of the Known Universe doesn't want to talk to me right now because I was mean to her when we were kids. Are you shitting me? God, I'm so fucking pissed at her. What is she, 12? I can't believe after all these years she's only gotten this far. How many hours have I sat on the therapist's couch talking it out? Crying it out? Talking it through? Like it's just a walk in the park? Like it's all just a fucking day at the beach? I can't even think straight I'm so pissed at her.

I can't help her if she won't talk to me. I have this image of her stuck in my mind. She's in a dark room with the windows closed up with blankets over them to keep out the light. She's hunched over in the corner with her back to everyone whispering to herself. I don't know what she's saying, but she's got her hands over her ears so she can't hear anyone else.

Man, she pisses me off.

Other people survived our mother. Other people survived her hell. If she doesn't get over it she'll be there forever but she won't even start building her bridge. She spends all her energy escaping and running all around the crazy carousel.

Well, fuck her. If she doesn't want to be my friend anymore then fuck it. If she only wants to be sisters instead of friends then there's nothing I can do about it because friendship is an agreement and I don't agree to being ignored. If sisters is all she wants, if that's all she can handle, so be it. She can call me if she needs a kidney or some bone marrow. Or not.

It's too exhausting chasing The Center of the Known Universe. I'm tired. I have a lot of other shit to put my energy toward and if she ever wants to jump off the carousel I will try to be there to hold her hand.

Until then, what then?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:01 PM
____________________________

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I love Real Estate. Love it? Yes, I love it. I do.

I have a listing in South Orange County. For those of you unfamiliar with the OC, it's the illusion of order and decency with a rotting, fetid core. My listing is in an exclusive gated area. It's the only listing currently available there. Why am I telling you all this? Because there was drama in the sale of this listing. Hopefully the drama is in the past and it will be smooth sailing from here on out.

My seller is a landscape architect. Just before we went to market he decided to tear out the landscaping and completely redo the whole thing. Then the rains came and turned it into a mudfield. It dried out and he ordered the plants. Then there was a coldsnap and the plants froze. Then the rains came again. And again. And again. Then it was the holidays and there were no crews. Then the rains came once more for good measure and the jobber's mother died. My poor seller was so unhappy because the house was showing like a 9 day wonder, but no offers. I got some really snotty messages from other realtors about the landscaping and how I probably didn't realize it because I was from Long Beach, but that shit just doesn't fly down there. So my poor seller put the property on hold, no showing until the landscaping was done because his feelings were so hurt. Finally, finally the Gods and Goddesses smiled upon us and we had good weather and crews at the same time. We got the landscaping about 75% done and suddenly there are buyers desperate for this property. Desperate? Yes, desperate. Just today I got eight phone calls.

So on Monday I had an agent call and ask if she could show even though we were on hold because her clients were from out of state and they really wanted to see the property again. We let them in and they gave us an offer of about 25K less than asking price. We countered them back for half the difference and they countered us for 3K more than their original offer. So I took the property off hold and put the lockbox back on and suddenly my phone hasn't stopped rining. My seller was giong to accept the first offer but while he was driving up here we got two more offers in. He's accepted the best one and we'll open escrow tomorrow.

So let that be a lesson to you lowballers. If you want something, pay for it. When I see people nickel and dime over something I feel like saying, Hey do you want it or not? So now that first couple lost the house they really wanted, even though my seller was prepared to landscape to suit for the wife and leave the washer, dryer, and refrigerator, because the husband didn't want to be a patsy and pay outrageous California prices.

I'm just so relieved to be opening another escrow. I wish the one I have open now would just fund, record, and fucking close already so I can pay my landlord and run to Target and get some LMP's.

I have another client, also who is so particular in what he's looking for. I found it exactly and now one of the bands he manages is going on tour again. I really think this place will be perfect for him. We'll see.

I only have $12 to my name but the escrow company next door is having a wine tasting. I was over there earlier and had a chocolate covered strawberry and tri tip steak with quiche. Oh, and lots of champagne.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 5:31 PM
____________________________

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

I'm so exhausted. I haven't had a day to myself in about six weeks. I'm so tired. L is back from London. She brought LingLing Chi with her. I'm happy to meet him. I'm sure he's cool.

I'm just waiting waiting waiting for this escrow to fund, record, and close. Now there's another escrow opening. Maybe tomorrow, maybe Friday. It's a little low, but I have to do what my clients want. I wish I could make all the decisions for them. It would be so much easier. Of course, I would hate to be wrong. That might get them a little upset with me. Fuck it. If they want to get into escrow for 20k less than asking just when the market is heating up again, so be it. It's their house, their money, their decision. I just don't want to hear them bitching about how much it's going to cost to get into something up here.

I need more clients. More escrows. More, more, more. It's not enough. I'm wondering what's going on lately, too. There's a lot of strangeness with my friends and different people I know. It's so weird. I hear things and I wonder what's up with that? Then when I found out what happened I feel like I knew all along. I'm on the fringe but not totally disconnected I guess.

My sister is coming down next weekend. We have family business to take care of. Joy. This should be interesting to say the least. It'll probably end up being asses kickus majorus. At least I'll be able to tell them I've been selling some real estate.

I'm kind of floating right now. I'm waiting for a dollar in my pocket and then I'll be able to get back in the game. I have so much catching up to do.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:10 PM
____________________________