Tuesday, November 30, 2004

I'm so over guys. I'm just so over them. I mean I love the sex and all, but apart from that? Who needs 'em? As if life isn't hard enough without guy bullshit? No thanks, full stomach. I swear. This whole summer has been on non-stop dating rollercoaster and I want off. I am off. I jumped off when I broke up with JW. Ha. He hasn't even figured out it was me who rescued his dog yet. What a dumbass. He called me last night to let me know he was home from his Thanksgiving trip. BFD. He told me his dog ran away. What an idiot. How could she have gotten out? I asked him. He says he hasn't figured out her escape yet. What a moron. I almost said he should ask his wife about the dog. Maybe she would know where the dog was. I restrained myself. I acted aloof and spacey and got off the phone with him as fast as I could. What a jerk.

So that's it. No more guys. No more picking up boys at the bookstore. No more stepping on their foot at the coffee house. I am off the market. Unless, of course, Henry Rollins or Ian MacKaye decide they want to settle down. Though, I really wouldn't call it that.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:20 PM
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Friday, November 26, 2004

So it turns out the guy I've been seeing is married. What an asshole. I really liked him, too.

My friend K looked him up on the tax rolls and found out he's married. I didn't want to believe her at first because she's been a little sniffy with me. Two people sharing a one bedroom apartment induces that kind of behavior. Anyway, I asked him if he was married and he said no, of course. I asked him if he'd ever been married and he said no. I asked him if he was dating anyone and he said "I'm seeing you". Then he asked me why I was acting psychotic.

I should have known. He has an English Sheep dog that I think hates his guts. He was complaining about a week or so ago that his dog won't go for a walk with him. What's up with that? Has anyone in the world ever heard of a dog that doesn't want to go for a walk? He said even when he goes to feed her she runs away from him to the corner of the yard. I asked him if he was beating her and he said he was going to start. Here's something else - he has all these classic cars and when he took down the old fencing between the house and the garage he parked his cars at an angle so the dog couldn't get out. When he went to move them to start installing the new fence he saw scratch marks all over the hoods of the cars. I laughed when he told me about it. He said he knew I would think that was funny.

So last night I went to L's to have Thanksgiving. It was different. Her mom makes tofurkey and shapes it in a Jell-O mold that looks like a turkey. It wasn't my style. I had some really good Chai Hot Chocolate there. So I was talking about what I'd recently discovered about JW and his mysterious wife he's keeping secret and L's mom suggested we go and rescue the dog. I thought that was a very excellent idea. We laughed about it and planned the dognapping and then about 20 minutes later L's mom came out of her room all dressed to go outside and she had her purse ready and said "Okay, let's go get that dog". So we did.

When we got to his house I went to the gate and called the dog's name. She started barking, but not in a warning way. L's brother jumped over the fence and picked her up and handed her back over to L's dad. She immediately started sniffing at me and was really friendly. Then L's mom said "Okay, doggie. Get in the van". And the dog hopped right in and sat on the seat. It was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

We went back to L's house and gave her treats and a bath. Poor little thing is pretty skinny under all that damn hair. That made me even more mad than finding out he's a cheating liar who lies and cheats. L blew her hair dry and then the dog sat on the floor between L's mom's knees and got her hair brushed and then cut. What a happy dog. She fell asleep curled up in front of the fire and then she went to bed with L's brother and slept at the foot of his bed.

L called me this morning and told me her parents had already gone for a long walk with the dog and her dad was going to Home Depot to get a dog house kit to build. Funny how she has no problem going for a walk with perfect strangers who feed and bathe her.

What a fucker. When I talk to him next I'm going to ask him how his dog's doing and when he tells me she's missing I'll say "Well, maybe your wife knows where she is. You should probably ask her". Of course, that will be the last time I hear from him.

Ce la Vie.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 5:32 PM
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Monday, November 22, 2004

Okay, here's what happened. The guys were in Guangzhou. I don't know where that is, but somewhere not too far from Hong Kong. It's like the capitol or something. They were a little drunk and they met a couple who were there to pick up the Chinese baby they'd adopted. After talking with them for awhile, Ben decided he should go to the orphanage and pick out a baby for his sister. The couple had never been to the orphanage. The social worker, or whomever, had them sign paperwork in an office and then later delivered the baby to the hotel.

So the guys get to this orphanage and started snooping around and talking to the workers there. Mr. Steve went off to find a bathroom and didn't come back for the longest time. Ben and Shug wanted to go look for him, but the aid workers were acting "strange" and trying to get them to leave. Ben thought maybe they thought the guys were perverts or child traffickers or something. So Shug stood there arguing with the workers and Ben took off to go look for Mr. Steve. Ben was wandering the halls calling for Mr. Steve and then he sees him way down a long hallway. Mr. Steve was going room to room doing something and he wouldn't answer Ben. Finally Ben catches up to him and Mr. Steve is in a room with all these little kids, like 12-24 months old. All these little girls were crammed up in beds. Some of them were tied down, some were tied to each other. They were all dirty with poop and piss and couldn't even be bothered to cry. Ben thinks they were being starved to death. Mr. Steve was going room to room to count them all. Ben helped him count them. The last room they went into before the aid workers came back with the police had 37 infant girls and they were all crammed into two cribs, some were on top of others. Ben thinks some of the babies on the bottom layer were already dead. While Mr. Steve was being arrested, Ben picked up one of the babies on top. Her eyes were glassy and wouldn't focus. Her skin was dry and her ribs were sticking out of her emaciated body. He said her head and limbs were limp like noodles.

So the guys all got arrested. Then they were released the next morning.

But wait, there's more.

They went back to the orphanage to take pictures of the outside and they were planning on going to the American Embassy and telling them what was going on. They took pictures of the front and pictures of the back, and then went around the side to go back to the hotel. Shug threw out his coke can in the garbage and saw something moving. He rattled the garbage basket, thinking that a rat would jump out, but some of the garbage moved and he saw a baby hand. The guys threw off more of the garbage and took the baby out. They tried to administer CPR and Mr. Steve reverted to training and called an ambulance. So a crowd gathers and tries to stop the guys from helping the baby, who was about 9 weeks old Ben thinks. When the ambulance gets there, Ben and Mr. Steve are giving the baby CPR and Shug is defended them from this little crowd of Chinese merchants who are shouting who knows what at them.

So the ambulance arrives and the guys let them take over and they pick up the baby and TAKE HER INTO THE ORPHANAGE! So Ben was kind of freaking out and he tried to grab the baby back from the medic and tell him he'll just take her home. Shug tried to tell them it was his daughter, but then the police came again and the guys ran.

They got back to the hotel and checked out. They went to the American Embassy and spoke to some guy who said to come back in the morning. They checked into another hotel and just sat there until morning. Ben said they didn't eat, or watch TV, or open the computers, or listen to their iPods, or anything. They just sat in the room and blanked out until they fell asleep. In the morning they went to the Embassy and had a meeting with another guy who listened to them and had them fill out reports and took copies of Shug's photos. He said he would do all he could, but that it was a "cultural issue" and that the UN was concerned, but had limited authority and blah, blah, blah.

Then he told the guys that he would escort them from their hotel to their transport. Basically, he was saying they should get the hell out of Dodge, in a nice way. Mr. Steve threw a tantrum. He kicked the table over and threw chairs and told the guy from the Embassy he was going to hell and then Shug got control of him. Ben told the guy they'd be glad to get out of that fucked up country. They went back to the hotel and changed their itinerary and that's when Ben called me.

I'm still kind of processing it. The way I've written it here is pretty cut and dried, but when Ben was telling me it was horrific. I don't know what else to say.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:27 PM
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Sunday, November 21, 2004

Ben called me last night. I have no idea what time it was in Hong Kong when he called. He was really upset. Something horrible happened in Guangzhou. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. It's really disturbing.

The guys were going to spend about three weeks in China and Nepal, but they're leaving for Japan today. They've been stuck in the airport a little because they're American, or maybe because there was a plane crash near Beijing. I don't think that's why. I think it's just that they're three American guys who look like they could be military. They're all a little buff and have the short hair and the attitude. People give them looks.

They were having a blast in Hong Kong and then they went to these islands called Macau. They said it was like a European settlement. Lots of gambling and prostitutes for Mr. you know who. Ben talked to several doctors there who were on holiday about disease and over population and genetic migration and all that really scientific stuff he loves. They were having a really good time until this horrible thing happened. Then they got themselves into trouble on the way out of Guangzhou and the police came and everything. I'll blog it. Just not right now.

I'm going to work for a little. I have to go to Target to get some LMS (life maintenance supplies). One LMP (life maintenance product) I've come to realize I wouldn't want to live without is toilet paper. Another is Sally Hansen's white stick for nails. It really makes them look better. I will be using it from now on. Because beauty is all that really matters, right?

All that really matters in this country is being thin and beautiful. One need not be smart. Having a pleasant personality is an asset, but not at all a requirement. One need not have any kind of intelligence, or intellect, or spark of life at all. One need only be a beautifully vapid yes girl in order to float through life with ease and acceptance. I've come to realize that perhaps I should move to a different culture. I am from the America that didn't want to see Bush in the White House. Either one of them. I am from the America that needs to have Damien Echols, Jason Baldwin, and Jessie MissKelly exonerated. I am from the America that watches in disgust as people like Don Haidl and his idiot son run circles around what is supposed to be our Justice System. I am from the America that really wants to know the truth.

Who really is responsible for the whole 9/11 tragedy? Who really runs the country? Is there a cure for AIDS? For Cancer? Who built the pyramids? Where was Atlantis? Who is the Comte de St Germain? What really happened to the red car system of LA? Who built Stonehenge? Is there a face on Mars? Where is all the free energy? Why can't I have a biodiesel car? Why are they still fighting the war on drugs? Why did Bush attack Hussein when he did? Was there really a Pope Joan? Did Joe Cole's killer get killed in a drive-by? Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where are we going? Will I ever fall in love with someone who loves me, too? Should I buy a vowel?

Anyway, I'm off to Target to spend the last of my TNT money. JW is on his over tonight and as soon as he gets here I'm going to take the Chinese food and White Zinfadel out of his hands, lead him to my bedroom, rip off all his clothes, and fuck his brains out until I see God. No really, I am. So, he better eat his Wheaties.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:34 PM
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

I went out to Whittier last night to pick up the lockbox and the keys to my listing out there that's on hold. I think they want to cancel, but don't know how. I'm not going to tell them. It's on hold, but the ads have run and I'm getting calls on it. The husband finally got off his fat ass and started doing some of the work that needs to be done on the property. He finished the pergola and she walked with me throughout the house and told me their plans. Isn't it a miracle that practically everything I suggested is what they're planning on doing? They want 450k for a 399K house. Good fucking luck. I didn't say to them, I just told them with my eyes. I have two buyers I'm bringing by the property anyway. I don't care what they say.

I went out to Indian food with L and T and D. You know, T and D are really funny. Escpecially T. I would like to spend more itme with them when L goes back to take over London. I know when she's in England she magically captures the whole city. Perhaps the outer areas of Zone 3 as well.

I went to go see What The Bleep Do We Know? It's a great documentary. This is the kind of stuff I love. I've been telling Mr. Steve, the world's most non-spiritual individual on the planet, but he just rolls his eyes. One day his eyes will roll all the way to the back of his head. When I got home I made myself some spirit water. This is what the Japanese photographer did in the movie. You can get his book now and see the whole experiment. He played music for the water. You should see it after he played some Heavy Metal. I'd like to see the water after he plays some good Jazz. What would the water look like after we played Harmony In My Head? What would the water look like after some Gershwin or Etta James? What about some Nina Simone or Maria McKee?

I am not fond of being broke. I would like to be prosperous. I have a long list of paybacks when I get a dollar. I need a steadier income. I've applied at ever stinking hospital in Southern California. I think I'm totally over-qualified for new hire. Plus it takes 85 billion years to get hired at a hospital. I might not even pass the empathy test anymore, anyway.

I'm very tired every day. I forgot my phone at home. I have to go back and get it in a bit. Drag.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:43 AM
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Friday, November 12, 2004

One of my listings is on hold. I'm going out on Sunday with one of the senior agents here. She's letting me help her preview and search for properties. Hopefully she'll float me a loan on my listing and I won't have to "go home".

I went to see my therapist. She asked me how I was doing on my budget. I told it was fantastically amazing. I had a nickel in savings, a nickel for frugal expenditures, and a nickel in my JIC emergency fund. See? Balanced budget. She asked me where I was going to end up. I told her I didn't know exactly, but that I would like to be a cat who landed on my feet instead of a cat on a hot tin roof. She didn't think that was funny. She asked me if I was going to start turning tricks or selling drugs. I was highly offended that someone who I'd been dating for six years would think that of me. Well, no. I haven't been technically "dating" my therapist, but it's nearly the longest running relationship I've had, and so one-sided. I've been sitting on her sofa for nearly an hour once every two weeks and where has it gotten me? She told me I was addicted to chaos and that I had to break free from the grips of the chaotic madness. I told her my life was a David Lynch movie. She said she'd never heard of him. Who the fuck picked this therapist, anyway? Oh, yeah. My fucked up insurance, that's who. Well, they ran out in February and I've been paying her cash ever since. Except for my last visit. I forgot to cancel and so I'll be billed for the visit whether I go or not, so I decided to go. I didn't realize it at the time, but that was my last visit. I'll send her a postcard from the Elysian Fields.

I went out today with L. We took pictures of Long Beach. I love my city. Last year when Henry played Baton Rouge, The Rantress went to see him and gave him some coffee later backstage. She asked him why he never plays Long Beach and he said "California?" like she was a nut. She said yeah, California. He said "Cuz I don't want to get killed". That Henry. He should give us a second chance. Things have changed in the last 20 years or so.

We took pictures of the Bush Islands, and Our Lady of the Clamshell. We took day photos of the Gaytonia and Polly's Gourmet coffee. We went inside Polly's and took a pic of the roaster, as evidence of the fresh roasting. We took pics of the Villa Riviera and some of the anti-Bush grafitti in the Gayborhood and the East Village. I thought it would be cool if I sent Henry his own guide to Long Beach. Maybe he would appreciate it. Maybe he would throw it in the garbage. Who knows? We had fun, though.

We went to vintage village and talked to the shoes and purses and one of them wouldn't stop calling L's name. She bought it so it would be quiet, but it turns out the purse is a liar. It told her it was the perfect black bag every girl should have and when we got outside in the light it turned out to be navy blue. What a pisser. The purse thought it's little joke was very funny and told L that she would learn to love it as much as it loved her.

I am very tired. Tomorrow I am going to breakfast with La Bella B. I am cleaning my house and looking for a jay oh bee. What fun to be me. What fun to be me. What fun, what fun, what fun to be me. Not.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 5:17 PM
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Thursday, November 11, 2004

December 15th is the date. Things must dramatically improve or else.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:51 PM
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Monday, November 08, 2004

I have to get cable again. Or satellite. Henry is now on Bravo and IFC. Henry is everywhere.

I met a new boy at the bookstore. He came over last night and we had mad, mad sex. He's a really good kisser. I like that a lot. I like guys who kiss endlessly. You can never have too much kissing. I hope I see him again, but I'm not getting hung up on it. I'm going to work now to run my errands and drum up some business. I need money, have you heard?



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:47 AM
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Thursday, November 04, 2004

Henry is so good to me...Sends me four books for free...That's why I love my Henry...Forever and ever. Henry Rollins sent me some signed copies of You Can't Run From God, Works, Two Thirteen Sixty One, and Rollins Talks. I am the luckiest girl in the world. I am the happiest girl in the world. Everything in my life should go just fine from now on. Who could possibly stand up against me if Rollins sends me four mint condition early editions?

I love Henry and he loves me. But you know in that non-toxic just people kind of way. I am amazed by him all the time. Tonight will be so fun listening to Henry on the radio and reading the books he sent me. Sigh. I feel that all is right in the world right now.

Oh, yeah. Except that fucking Ohio let Bush run away with the election and people are still being blown to bits in the Middle East and I'm still in the midst of a financial drought. Fuck it. Rollins sent me some books. I should be able to kick ass on everything myself.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:30 PM
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Monday, November 01, 2004

I was going to off myself save two things: I really don't have a workable suicide plan and also it's the whole Orphan Annie thing - The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow...which by the way our favorite all punk all cover band does a ripping rendition of along with other favorite show tunes like New York New York and I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair and If I Was A Rich Man. No kidding, it's a killer show.

No, really. I've been thinking of ways I could cause a self-induced "accident" so that I could go home and no one would be mad at me and I could repay my friends the money I still owe some of them with my life insurance which would cover it, my funeral, and my last contribution to the WM3. But then again, that's kind of sideways. How can I off myself AND contribute to the WM3? I know, it's absurd.

Here's what happened. I went up to West Hollywood for the strut parade and we had a lot of fun. Certain things have been weighing heavily upon my mind and I wandered into a Psychic shop to check them out. She got rid of Miss Ennui by telling her that her sex vibe was overwhelming. That made my little minx very happy. After she left, the Psychic took my hands and told me a bunch of shit I already know. She mentioned my despair, my incredible risk for a better future, my insane boy toy summer, all the change that's surrounded me this year, and then she said that I was enveloped in love but that I had a darkness overshadowing me. No shit, Cassandra. She said I had to get rid of the darkness and embrace me imminent future, her words not mine. She said I had to be patient and that I'd chosen a hard path to "follow in the footsteps of the one you admire. Don't forget his incredible inner strength. He's been where you are now." I wasn't sure what that meant exactly and it's been bothering me.

So. I came in to work today because I have nowhere else to go and I'm avoiding that landlord guy because you know, it's the first of the month and all. I decided to just face my fears and call him. I told him I had no money for him or anyone else but that I had two homes for sale. He was pissed, but I explained why it would be dumb for him to evict me. It would cost him money and take time and in that time the listings would sell and he'd have his money without having to incur attorney's fees. He tried to argue but I explained that my sellers were buyers, too and that I should have an escrow any minute. He finally agreed with me and calmed down. Then he got huffy again when I asked him if he knew of anyone interested in my listings. He said I was something else.

What a relief that was. Landlord off my back for a little longer. Hooray.

Then I opened my email and found a lovely note from my boyfriend, Henry Rollins. He said he hadn't forgotten about me and that he had an amazing package he was sending me. I wrote back and asked him to marry me. You are all invited to the wedding, of course. Henry is going to carry me off on horseback to his Fort Rollins and...

So anyway, no reason to turn off the lights here. I am embracing my imminent future. Do you think that was what the gypsy was talking about when she was mentioning walking in the footsteps of the one I admire? Who else could it be but Henry?


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:38 PM
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I Carey McNevin, being of sound mind albeit desperately unhappy, do hereby bequeath all my worldly possesions, to Mr. Steve, to do with what he will, excluding my bedframe and church gate candleholder, excluding my altar table and effects, excluding photos and genealogy research, and do hereby bequeath all other possessions as follows:

My bitterness and sorrow I leave to my mother, as that bitch has given so she shall receive.

My disgust and contempt I leave to James Edward Cayetano Kile, as he is the embodiment of all that is evil and is the dark ugly thing that lurks in the shadows and slithers in the darkness.

My hopelessness and despair I leave to everyone who has disappointed me, namely parents, teachers, clergy, doctors, leaders, role models, friends, and especially lovers. In return I ask their forgiveness, for even I must admit in the end I've given as good as I got.

My self-hatred and low self-esteem I leave to all the other bitches with whom I've associated, with whom I talked shit about men and super models until I felt even slightly better about myself instead of working it out to true self-love and respect.

My cellulite I leave to the Hershey family. My scars I leave to my plastic surgeon, Dr Mary Powers and head of surgery Dr Myron Goldstein.

My car I leave to whomever needs it and is willing to pay the nearly $1,000 of parking tickets to the City of Long Beach.

My clothes I leave to the Goodwill, excluding my French pantie set which I hereby bequeath to Miss Ennui, and my hot pink bustier, which I hereby bequeath to Swiss Boy.

My vinyl collection, or what's left of it, I hereby bequeath to Rhonda and Jimmie. My books I hereby bequeath to Ben.

My photos and genealogy research I hereby bequeath to my nieces and nephews.

If there be any remaining effects, namely happiness, joy, fulfillment, hope, gratitude, passion, dedication, or belief, I hereby bequeath it to the world at large, to do with what it will.




another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:31 AM
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