Monday, August 30, 2004

I don't know what to do. Should I pack it in and get a job at UCLA? Should I try to get work as an assistant or transaction coordinator? Should I try to get a position as an onsite property manager? Should I stay or should I go now? Do I want to buy a vowel?

Two not so great open houses over the weekend. One of them is absolutely gorgeous, but totally overbuilt for the neighborhood. Sorry guys, priced too high. The other is the strangest house I've ever been in. The floor plan was so retarded doors actually bumped up against each other. The place has four garages and a recording studio. Totally bizarre.

We went to go see our favorite cover band. They called themselves the White Candle Massacre. They played Do You Believe In Magic, Save The Last Dance For Me, Under The Boardwalk, and I don't remember what else but it was more of the same. They were typically great.

I put in some applications with UCLA. I'm in escrow on the OYO. I'm not sure about the escrow. Until I'm sure of the financing, I'm not sure. I'll call them today. I told the other agent that if he was my boyfriend I'd break up with him. He got upset. I told him it was because he doesn't return calls and he's not forthcoming with information. He said he'd try harder to make the relationship work. I wonder if I'll ever meet him in person.

Life is hard. I need the fog to clear. I don't know what is best for me. I don't know what I want. I need help. Please help me.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:23 AM
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Tuesday, August 24, 2004

I don't know what's going on in my life. I keep having moments of synchronicity and I don't know if I like it or not. I feel completely hormonal and I almost didn't come to work to day. I've been obsessively reading my horoscope and it's not good. It says basically that August sucks septic green monkey's balls and come September everything will be better. Whatever. I so can't deal. I feel like I have the wolf by the ears. I can't hold on much longer, but what will happen if I let go? No mas unemployment. The escrow that was supposed to open on Friday is still not open. Financing is not secure. Back up offers are non-existent. Seller is pissed. Realtor is desperate.

One minute I'm up, the next I'm lower than low. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm probably hormonal. I guess I have to get a job. I don't really want one. This has been the best job I've ever had. I love the office atmosphere. I love my bosses. I like what I'm doing. I'm having fun. If I just had money coming in, I'd be in a state of vocational bliss. Of course, that's why it couldn't last.

I'm looking into becoming a property manager. There's one guy here who's totally connected. He said he'd help me make a resume this week. See? That's another moment of synchronicity. Another is that this one girl here gave me her whole computer except for the brain part. It's all brand new, but she doesn't like it and wanted to get the all-in-one printer and flat screen monitor. So she gave me the other stuff. And right when I as at my desk, reviewing the recipe for Oleander Cake, one of the senior agents gave me a portable filing cabinet which is exactly what I needed. I'd been checking hers out and was going to buy one when I got a dollar. Instead I ended up getting the very thing I wanted.

When I last saw a fortune teller she told me I was very good at manifesting and that I always got what I wanted very fast. It's kind of true, I guess. But I'm still an impatient brat. Instant gratification still takes way too long for me. I have no faith. Katrin will kill me for saying it, but it would be so great if someone could give me something to believe in other than myself. The problem with this business is it depends on other people and as we all know, they're a bunch of fuck-offs. No one does what they say and everyone is so full of crap. I hate feeling this way. I feel like an ungrateful bitch.

I just keep vacillating between throwing in the towel and going for it full throttle. On the one hand, I have all kinds of prospects of making fabulous money doing a job I love. On the other hand, if I don't start making a real dollar before the end of September I'm fucked. Not just screwed, totally fucked. So I guess I'm just pursuing all avenues and seeing which hits first. I hate diving into the unknown. It always ends up that I dressed wrong for the occasion.

Would anyone like to come to my pity party? I'm serving a vintage whine, but no more cheese.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 6:10 PM
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Saturday, August 21, 2004

Saw Henry Rollins for about 10 minutes on the Tavis show last night. Right between Rescue Me and Nip/Tuck. I swear when I get a dollar I'm getting satellite TV and telling cable to kiss my white Irish ass on their way to hell. Henry's the best. I love him.

I'll tell you who I don't love - some cameraman jerk I met who called me and we had like an hour and a half flirt over the phone and he said he wanted to come see me Thursday night if he didn't have a 6am shoot on Friday, but most definitely Friday night. All Thursday no email, no call. Then on Friday no email, no call. What an ass. I blocked him from my phone and email. I don't even want to deal with him now. I hope I run into him again somewhere so I can blow him off and tell all my girlfriends to give him the freeze. Guys are so dumb. They are so tediously lame.

I got two callbacks on my applications for a jay oh bee. Do I want to work part time in the ER at Lakewood Regional? Probably not. Would I like to work part time in the Admissions Department of UCLA? Possibly. If I get the job at UCLA, and nothing good is going on down here, I'll probably move.

I'm on the fence again. Should I just pursue my interests in LA, or stick it out in the old LB? On the one hand everything in LA seems brighter and greener. I could move to Silverlake, work in a hospital, have health insurance, enough to buy a new car, be closer to my crazy friends, have a healthier social life.

On the other hand, I have several opportunities in LB that seem promising but at the moment are shadows on a wall. I've been hanging out with Miss Ennui probably a little too much and here's the thing, is it worth it to stick it out and make things my own, or should I cut and run? It's always darkest before dawn. And if I cut and run too soon and miss out on any of these opportunities, I'll be inconsolable.

In a perfect world, I'll cash in on everything I've got working right now, pay off all my debts, get a part time job in LA, buy some income property and a new car, and continue with my writing like a crazy woman. I'm not being unrealistic. If everything I've got working goes through, highly unlikely, I'd have more than enough to pull that off.

Ah me. I'll go read more Florence Scovel Shinn now.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 12:46 PM
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Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Met a new boy. He's another world traveler who grew up lonely in a wealthy household. He speaks five languages and is trying to learn Italian. He just got back from two years in Madrid. He doesn't like kissing too much. He's not that into my breasts. He couldn't get enough of my bottom, though. Maybe he's a closet gay. Maybe his homosexuality is so far back in the dark basement closet that even if you open the door to peek inside the light from the hallway won't illuminate it. Or he's a metrosexual really into girls' bottoms. I don't know.

Swiss Boy moved to Connecticut and isn't coming back. We still email. What's the point? I'm still harboring thoughts of Funny Boy. I keep wanting to go see his show. I don't know why, but I keep wanting to see him onstage and I easily convince myself it's a good idea when I know very damn well it isn't at all a good idea. It's definitely the wrong thing to do. So let's go.

Actually, I could go see Funny Boy in a show. In a few months when I've lost even more weight and I'm feeling really confident and I've got a posse of really hot girlfriends to go with me. Then I could get dressed up cute and we could all go out and totally call attention to ourselves and completely ignore him. That would be fun.

Okay, so then the workable plan is now to close my million dollar deal, lose another 20 pounds, buy some really cute clothes, resist cutting my hair, and go see Funny Boy perform. Got it. Let's synchronize our watches. That chick from Alias has nothing on me.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:23 PM
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Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Have you ever noticed how hard life can be sometimes? I read my horoscope again. I like the one on Astrologyzone.com because she's so thorough. It basically says that even though it may have some good moments August 2004 will essentially suck septic green monkey's balls.

"...Come September, will you remember the moments we shared? Come September, lover where will you be? Come September, lover will you remember me?..."

Come September, come September, come September. Hey, lookie there, I got me a brand new mantra.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 12:07 AM
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Saturday, August 14, 2004

Went to go see my friend's in a play last night. Can you believe I got from Long Beach to Hollywood and Highland in only 40 minutes? I couldn't either. It was like old times last night. I felt good. I thought I looked cute and Mr. Steve showed up finally and it was so good to see him. Gio and Drew and Binh were there and Rhonda and Jimmie came, too. It was a partial reunion. We had a blast. The play was really good. It's called Burn This and it's about a people just breaking out of their comfort zones and doing outrageous things. It's a play about friends. Afterward we went to the Formosa, but it was so uptight and celebrity we left. We went to this shithole certain of my friends insist on frequenting. We hung out and Gio proposed his theory of TriVecta. He says that even when your head is trying to guide in the direction of what's right, what's good for you, what's intellectually stimulating, your "loins" distract you off your path and you get led astray by the way someone smells, or the image of them brushing their hair off their forehead, or the pinkness of their nipple against the whiteness of their breast, or the sound of their voice on your answering machine, or the feel of their hand in yours while you're licking their pussy, or any number of things. Your head can usually rule over your loins eventually, by making you snap out of it and stop calling. But if your heart becomes involved, neither your loins nor your head is in control because your heart messes up the function of both. Your heart can make you so emotional that your loins refuse to function normally and your head cannot think rationally. It's only when all three are working together, when you have TriVecta, that you can go about things the way you are meant to. Only when you connect with someone intellectually, and are in sync with the heat sexually, and really care about them as a friend and a lover and a partner is all right in the world. That's when you have TriVecta and that's what healthy people are longing for and missing and becoming disappointed over. Sickos don't care about TriVecta and actually prefer to be out of balance. Those are the ones you have to keep away from. They're hard to uncover, though. They mask, mimic, and blend into the general population.

Mr Steve and I have two out of three. Rhonda and Jimmie have TriVecta. I think that's why everyone is sort of envious and in awe of them at the same time. Henry and Joe had two out of three. I know I have two out of three with a lot of people, but I would never want to be married with someone unless I have TriVecta. I wonder what it means. I wonder how he came up with that word. Gio is so crazy sometimes.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 12:24 PM
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Tuesday, August 10, 2004

I'll be okay. All I have to do is open another escrow in August and everything will be okay. I think. I hope.

Last night I kept waking up because I was having really bizarre dreams. Henry Rollins was in a suit of armour. He was standing in the middle of Sunset Blvd on a windy day giving a speech. It wasn't like a spoken word thing, it was a speech. The crowd was absolutely silent while he was talking. He said all kinds of things, but it was kind of like a lecture. He was talking about the war in Iraq, and biodiesel fuels and hydrogen cars and Bush and the Bin Ladens and how Hussein was about to switch the OPEC trade from dollars to Euros and how Schwarzenegger was a part of the cover up on the whole Enron ripoff and it doesn't make sense now, but it made sense in the dream. He really knew what he was talking about. It was just so weird because he had a lance and when he was done talking a girl walked up to him and he hugged and kissed her and the baby she was holding. Then a guy stepped forward and Henry shook hands with him and then grabbed him and hugged him. It was Damien Echols. I think the girl and the baby are Damien's wife. Are they having a baby? Then all of a sudden standing next to them were Jessie and Jason and a crazy-looking black man.

Then Henry climbed up on a horse and rode away, literally into the sunset. People cheered him and the horse started galloping and I turned to my friend Steve and I said where's he going? And Steve said he was going to the fight. I don't remember anything else about that dream.

Then I had another dream that I was at that property that's been for sale forever and a week on Mt Olympus. We were out there with an entire team doing soils and surveys and the architect came out and it was Frank Lloyd Wright. I told him I thought he'd died and he said he knew my grandfather. I told him I knew that, but I didn't. I'll have to ask my sister. He said he was going to build the ultimate LA home on the site. I said to knock himself out, I wouldn't stand in his way. He asked me if I wouldn't mind gathering a gathering. I called everyone I knew on my cell and Mother Holly showed up right away. FLW had us dig a circle trench and we filled it with energy crystals. Then we covered it and he had Katie's husband pour the cement. Then we made another cirlce in the foundation. By that time it was night and FLW had the landscaper plant Willow, Oak, and Birch trees all in a circle around the foundation. I asked FLW what the building would look like and he said it didn't matter. He said it was the foundation that was important.

I had other weird dreams, too. Those are the only parts I really remember. Life is strange right now. I have clients, but they're all kind of wishy washy. That's not the kind I need. I can't have clients that are going to drag me all over town looking for El Dorado, the mythical city of gold. The pack animals are thirsty and our provisions are running low. I'm heading back to town to find real clients with real money who know what they want and need to buy. Because I need to open escrow and I'm not fucking around.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:20 AM
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Friday, August 06, 2004

Did somebody say I could make money selling real estate? Who was that? Where are they? Because they fucking lied to me. I finally got my first check and let me tell you, on a check from escrow for portions that was $8,125 I only got $2,113. What the fuck is right Sister Mary Martyr. I asked my manager, who I will say is still the greatest guy ever in my book, and he assured me that the girls in accounting are not smoking crack cocaine. He said cash the check and find more clients, kid. And can I just say right now how much I fucking can't stand it when people call me kid? I hate that. I hate that almost as much as I used to hate that Amazonian harpie freakshow who claimed to be my friend but would always call me a dork and a fool. Especially when we were in front of other people. And I won't ever apologize for tripping her when we were walking down the front steps of the Shrine. She deserved it and I did it and I don't care who saw me or what God has to say about it.

So I busted my ass for next to nothing. If I don't open another escrow in the next ten days I have to find a jay oh bee. Not to complain about the clients I do have, but these people are killing me. On a fixer in Wrigley, these jacks only wanted to drop an offer of $330,000. On a 3b 2b 1,300 square hardwood floors mid-century corner lot. I know it's a fixer, but it's the good area of Wrigley and the damn thing appraised for $385,000. Then he has the cajones to ask me why we're not even getting acknowledgements on our offers. Gee, Buzz that would be because they're insulting and worthless. Slash offers are a waste of everyone's time. Yeah, it's a fixer, the asking price reflects that. Make a real offer or get off the fence.

No, I can't waste any more time on all these airheads who tell me how they're investors and blah blah blah. When I hear investor, I think bullshitter. I think this is not someone who needs to buy. This is not someone who wants to buy. This is someone who thinks they know everything there is to know about real estate and that they can get Southern California Beachfront for a Midwest price. Keep dreaming, pal.

So now I'm not wasting time on unreal clients. I'll forward them some things and if they don't call back, that's it. I am so depressed. I've been so excited about my first check and it was so disappointing. I've had to adjust all my plans and I'm really nervous about finances. Okay, I said it. I'm freaking out.

I'm trying to stay positive and connected to Source so that I can attract all that I need into my life. It's kind of hard, though. I just wish I had some reassurance that I haven't taken the plane past the midpoint. Over a polar ice cap. Without any life-sustaining provisions.




another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:14 PM
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