Wednesday, June 30, 2004

So the boy I like is now in Iraq until the 6th of July. I don't even know why I'm so gaga over him. Yes, I do. He's pretty much exactly what I would have gotten in the mail if I'd ordered a boy from the universe catalog of your perfect boy.

I'm crampy and crabby. I need to take a hot oil and infusion bath. It will make me feel better. I'm going out tonight with the ragtag remains of The Crew to go see Blacknut Conspiracy, whom I strongly suspect is our favorite band that changes it's name all the time. They're playing an "All Bacharach, All Punk, All Night" show. This should be pretty interesting. I hear later in the summer they're doing a show that'll be all the classics from the 40's and 50's like "At Last" and "What a Wonderful World" and all that cheesy stuff they use in charming Disney moments now. What would a Halloween show be like with them? Who are they? Why do they change their name all the time? I don't know. Maybe the shadow knows.

I hope Henry's okay. He had to go back to DC to deal with a family emergency. I guess maybe it could be that his mom's husband died. I hope it's that family he's dealing with and not Ian's. That would suck if anything happened to Ian MacKaye or any of the people over at Dischord.

I'm going to take a bath and massive amounts of Ibuprofen and a muscles relaxant before I go out. I swear, with all my "female trouble", it's a wonder I ever have any sex at all.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 6:10 PM
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Monday, June 28, 2004

I'm listening to Henry's show again, so there's the disclosure and disclaimer. I love Henry. Through various periods of mi vida loca he's been my salvation and continues to be. He is my one and only true boyfriend and here's the thing about all the other men in my life - so no comparison. How can they write words in their journals that I will later read and feel a sting in my heart? What man will write music, sing songs, full on rock out for me the way Henry does? Whose voice will reach into my head and make me listen like Henry's? How will any man be as honest with me as Henry has been over the years? Who will ever do it for me like Rollins? Consistent, persistent, dependable, reliable, lovable, huggable, Henry.

Guess what I found out? From my little sister, the center of the known universe, no less? Funny Boy is not just an actor who does voice overs. He's an actorslash. He's a comedian/writer/producer/actor/voice over talent, etc ad nauseum. No wonder he was making me laugh so hard. He knows people who know my sister. Of course. I found out from her that he was in Afghanistan on a USO tour, just like Henry. That made me ever more attracted to him. If anyone has an excuse not to have called or emailed, I guess being on a USO tour to Afghanistan could be a valid reason, other than he was in a strifing raid in Iraq. So, I forgave and hope sprung anew and I listened to my girlfriends instead of my own intuition and I called him. He was friendly and polite at first, but I could hear him wondering why I was calling. I mentioned my sister and for some reason the fact that we might know mutual people seemed to irritate him. He ended the call by saying "thanks for calling, kid". Whatever.

I don't know. Funny Boy obviously doesn't want anything more to do with me and probably thinks I'm a dirty whore or something worse. His loss. Mr Steve was more than happy to point out that if he is an upcoming comedian, he probably just made the biggest mistake of his career by blowing me off. Everyday is a comedy in this corner of the universe and just a few dates with me would have given him material for years. Not only that, but ask anyone who knows me, I'm a muse. I always bring out the best and the worst in people. I swear, if it weren't for me, some people would never have gotten the job, finished the screenplay, made the call, got out of bed, broke it off, sucked it up, crossed the line, or got the fuck over it already.

So, now I'm sad and even though I can't stop thinking of him I'm making dates with other boys. I'm going out with Swiss Boy again on Friday. I'm not sure what I'll be doing for Fourth of July, but I'm determined to have some fun. Boys are such hard work. I swear. Wouldn't it be so great if you could order a boyfriend from the universe like in a catalog or like from boyfriend.com?

I'd order a boyfriend who was 43% Henry Rollins, 27% Ian MacKaye, and 30% Ben. He'd be smart, funny, hip, cultured, decent, good-hearted, oral in all the right ways, he'd know how to take care of himself and me, and he'd be madly madly madly in love with me. We'd be perfect companions and lovers and partners and even when we'd argue, it would just improve our relationship, and whenever we'd have sex it would be like we were doing it on a heavenly cloud with angels singing, unless we wanted the hot nasty quickie which would be like doing it in a tacky Vegas hotel room with a good eclectic rock soundtrack.

C'est la Vie. Mi Vida Pobre? No Mas! Mi Vida Rica, si! Viva mi vida rica! Boys are dumb. Boys don't deserve the privilege or pleasure of my company unless they step up to Rollins level. At this point, it's just the minimum requirement.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:38 PM
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Saturday, June 26, 2004

I've lost 24 pounds. I'm fitting into the clothes in the back of the closet. I should be feeling really good, but I still feel like ten pounds of crap stuffed into a five pound sack. And for some odd reason, I've been wanting to go see Margaret Cho live. What's with me these days?

Maybe it's all these boys. I like 'em all, but I forgot how exhausting dating can be. You always have to be nice and answer the phone sweet and make sure you have scooby snacks in the house and keep everything clean and it's just tiring. I like it better when you actually have just one boy you can focus on keeping within your sight line and yanking his chain a little.

I'm tired. It's summer now and that's never a good lupus time. I feel like crawling back into bed and reading my ancient spellcrafting book again from cover to cover. Speaking of cover, how about that Heidi? I love the way she's always got Henry just wrapped around her finger. It's kind of sweet in a way.

I need more clients. Bring me the clients, please. I still need to get a different car, and I think I've narrowed it down to what I want so I can ask the benevolent powers that be to hereby grant to me all that my little pink heart desires.

As a matter of fact, I was thinking last night that I should make a nother hypnosis tape and get really specific about my wants and needs. Also, I've got to start going back to class, because this current escrow is kicking my ass and I don't like it.

Well Bloggers and Bloggerettes, that's the report from the trenches. Back to you, Bob.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:52 AM
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Monday, June 21, 2004

Forgive me if this isn't completely coherent. I'm currently listening to the Henry Rollins show on Indie 103.1 and it's distracting. I love Henry. I love Heidi, too. She's been so nice every time I've called the office, like the time I totally screwed up my credit card order. Or the time I tried to order a sweatshirt they weren't offereing anymore. She actually went and looked to see if they had anymore laying around somewhere. Does Henry deserve Heidi? I suppose. He seems like he'd be a great boss, but maybe that's just wishful thinking. Harmony in my Head is the name of Henry's show. Henry in my Head.

So, I just wanted to log and blog that I have a client! I've opened escrow today on my first property, so please everyone, breathe softly and whisper. Now, I just have to sell my listing and things will A=Okay for a day.

I haven't heard anything from Funny Boy and I'm really sad. I guess everything in life can't be perfect at all times, but for a half second there everything was right in the world. Katrin and I did a spell for truth and clarity. Tonight is the Summer Solstice and it's a powerful night for spellwork. I'll be doing my meditation as soon as Henry goes off the air. I love Henry. I love Heidi, too. I'll meditate for them tonight and for the West Memphis Three. I'll even meditate for Funny Boy.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:38 PM
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Monday, June 14, 2004

My gynecologist asked if she could give my number to a guy who's making a documentary of female orgasm. He called me and I talked to him about my little problem. Drag. He wants me to go to a hotel and in front of a camera crew and all let him interview me while I'm having an orgasm. The reason being that I have my IV situation and she thinks somehow this will help me get over it. In front of a camera crew? When I can hardly get through it with someone I really like in the cover of darkness? I called her and asked if this was to pay me back for that time I screamed and passed out in her office. She said she was going to ignore my childish behavior and let me make the right decision for myself. Hmmmm. Is going to a hotel and masturbating to orgasm while being interviewed in front of a camera crew worth $1,100?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:44 PM
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Friday, June 11, 2004

Well, it's been a week and I haven't heard a peep from Funny Boy. I thought for sure I would, but the 72 hours is way past and I haven't heard a thing. No call, no e-mail, no stopping by. I'm so crushed. I guess he didn't have as good a time as I did? Maybe he really can't deal with a girl who has more than 9 ounces of extra fat on her bones? Maybe he thought I was really ugly and it was a dogfight experience for him? I'm having all these doubts now. I thought it was really good, but maybe I'm just delusional. I hate being his way. I've always done everything I can to not be the girl staring at the phone, willing it to ring. What can I do? My mojo is still running pretty hot. I've met three more boys that want to have mad sex with me. I kissed one of them, but my heart wasn't in it. The whole time I was thinking of Funny Boy. Maybe he lied when I asked him if he had a girlfriend or was married. Sometimes guys do that. I didn't get the liar vibe from him, though. Maybe he's got moral dilemmas and thinks I'm a dirty whore. Maybe he left my house and was kidnapped by reptillian aliens, or homeland security. Maybe he left my house and went to Del Taco, like he said he was planning, and was so tired he fell asleep and had an accident and is laying in the hospital in a coma or with amnesia and just before they prep him for a craniotomy, young Dr Young will somehow be the only one to realize that Funny Boy is whispering my name and any minute now Dr Young will call me to tell me to rush to the hospital so that I can awaken Funny Boy with a kiss and a blowjob. Just like in a Disney fairytale. Except that the bj part will be subliminally encoded by the Japanese animators. Goddammit! I want to see him again. I hate this. This is not the way I like my life to be. And where the hell is my pony?

So I'm on my way to my listing appointment yesterday and I stopped at poverty gas, $2.19 for regular unleaded what a deal, and this guy dodges traffic to come introduce himself to me. He tells me I'm really cute and that he just got home from Iraq and would like to take me out for a steak dinner. He's cute. We traded cards. I'll call him. I'll let him take me out. I may even make out with him, because it's my patriotic duty, afterall. But I already know my heart won't be in it. I'll be thinking of Funny Boy the whole time. What a jerk. Am I going to spend forever missing him? Miss Ennui says he's a fuck bandit. Those are the guys who show up out of nowhere, fuck you good and senseless, and then disappear. Drag. I wish I didn't like boys. They are so hard to handle sometimes. Girls are way worse, though. I'll admit it, and it must be tough being a lesbian.

I don't like this. I don't like being so distracted by a boy. This is what I get for messing with that spell. I thought I was doing it right, but you know be careful what you wish for. I like all the boys I've met a lot. Only one of them was bad news and I got rid of him. I still have too many boys on a string. No girl in the history of the world ever had such problems as me.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:28 AM
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Monday, June 07, 2004

I have too many boys on a string. Maybe it's because I've been hanging out with Miss Ennui, but my mojo is out of control. Well, also Venus is retrograde and I did this crazy love spell on the full moon because I thought it was a good time because Venus is my ruling planet. I didn't realize about the whole Venus crossing the sun and the retrograde thing. Ooops. This spell I did is a really old-fashioned one and it was hard to find all the ingredients. The actual incantation isn't in English, so I'm not even sure if I pronounced the words right. In any case, here it is Venus retrograde and crossing the sun, yet I have seven, count 'em seven, boys on a string. They're all cute and really good kissers and love my body and want to have mad, mad sex with me. One of them I did sleep with and it was really good. The rest are all a lot of fun. But one of them, the one that kind of took me by surprise, is really really dangerous. Danger factor 1) Excellent kisser 2) Drove from the Valley to come see me 3) Listened to Sublime on the way 4) Does voice overs 5) Is not too tall 6) Very easy on the eyes 7) When I asked him if he wanted to sit down he said "No, I want to kiss you" and then he did 8) He made me laugh 9) A lot 10) No, I mean like I was at a comedy club 11) A really good one, where the cover charge is over $20 12) Did I already say excellent kisser? 13) No, but I mean I was laughing so hard I had tear starts.

Too many boys. Not enough time, energy, or inclination. I mean the attention is fun and all, but who the hell am I? Paris Hilton? God, no. Anyway, it comes down to this: When the phone rings, there's really only three people I'm hoping is calling. Swiss boy, Funny boy, and Ben. So what's up with that?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 6:27 PM
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Thursday, June 03, 2004

So I met this new boy and he's soooooo cute! He has a European accent and he's silly and he's so cute. So we finally made out and he's such a good kisser and we had sex and it was really good. Except that the whole time I was with him, I was remembering someone else. I feel so guilty and weird. It felt really good to be with him and I wanted to be there, but these thoughts of someone else just kept haunting me. What's wrong with me? And where the hell is everybody? I can't find anyone lately.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:23 AM
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