Monday, May 31, 2004

I just got home from a night of debauchery. I miss my friends. I've been hanging out with Miss Ennui for lack of more "adult" companionship, not that I actually cavort with any adults. We've had some fun, but honestly I'm a little too lacking in energy for some of her antics. I just don't have the bite. I went with her to get a new tattoo for herself, but none for me thank you. No, really I couldn't. I'm on this very strict no regrettable body-art diet, so I couldn't possibly. She got a dragon on her back. What's the point? She'll hardly ever see it. I don't know who I am to talk. I'll be getting mine on my back, too. Henry's got his anthem on his back. I don't know why I'm being so judgemental. It's just that hearing the needle and seeing it pierce her beautiful, young skin was kind of bittersweet. I wanted to kick the guy who did it right in the teeth. He must have touched her bottom about thirty times. I even hinted that she was my girlfriend, stupidly thinking it would make him stop. It must have turned him on even more, or else he was doing it to spite me or piss me off. She didn't seem to notice.

I've been thinking semi-obsessively about an old ex of mine. I don't know why. My therapist says that women who are emotional overeaters, raise your hands everyone, or who hide themselves in layers of fat, re-experience different emotions and issues as they lose the weight. Interesting idea. I don't know if it's true. It could be. I've lost nearly 19 pounds so far, thank you Jenny Craig. I'm right about the weight I was when I was going out with him. It's weird, too. I could swear that I can feel him standing behind me. I can almost feel his arms around me, his kisses, all of it. I haven't thought about him in years. I have no idea where he is or how to get ahold of him. What would I say? Missing you? Been thinking of you, but let me lose another five pounds and I'll be thinking of someone else? And if Dr Shrinkenstein's theory is true, what the hell is going to happen when I get back to the weight I was in Freshman year of High School? Am I supposed to find Rick Halloran and let him know I thought he was the coolest punk ever to break his hand on a brick wall?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 12:55 AM
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Thursday, May 27, 2004

I just got home from a work cocktail Lakers thing at El Torito. My new work friends are really funny. There's one guy that I wouldn't mind making out with at all, but he's not attracted to me so it's unlikely. I wore my pink flower skirt. I love this skirt. If Long Beach were invaded by Al-Qaeda, and I had to evacuate immediately, I would put this skirt and my altar items in my vintage overnight bag and jet. I don't know how I would be able to carry all my shoes and purses, though. I hope Al-Qaeda doesn't come to Long Beach, but since we are one of the largest ports in the world, perhaps it's true and we really are on the hit list. I hope not. I love my city.

I don't want to get a new crowd of friends. I wish some of The Crew had been there tonight. I don't like change. I mean I do, because it's inevitable, but too much at once is unsettling.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:50 PM
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Sunday, May 23, 2004

Today was the Long Beach Pride parade. What a crush. I finally left the house around 14:30 and met up with my friend. We went bookstore browsing and vinyl shopping, though why I don't know. Boredom, I guess. We have no money, either of us. We had fun still. I washed my car and for some reason the guy who was waiting for the stall behind me had a problem with the fact that I'd taken my sandals off. I didn't want to get my Franco Sarto's wet, so I took them off to wash the car. BFD. Well he was all aggro and saying I should put some shoes on. My friend got really pissed and yelled at him to fuck off and that it had nothing to do with us that he has a foot fetish. That really pissed him off. Then she said it was just like guys who are all homophobic because they're really attracted to man ass. So true. He was so mad he got back in his car and revved the engine really hard and acted like he was going to run into us. I really wanted to squirt him with the sprayer, but I decided not to push it.

When we came back home there was no parking anywhere. There never is down here, but it was extra insane. We drove around for about a half hour and then I drove past a black truck that turned on it's lights right as I drove past. I stopped and looked in the rear view mirror and this total cutie was waving me back. I backed up behind him so he could pull out and my friend got all pissy for some reason. She just stared at me the whole time he was pulling out and I was pulling in. After I got parked and we were walking home she told me he's one of the guys she was hoping to date when he disappeared on her a few weeks ago. Such drama. I'm so glad I'm not seeing anyone. I need men in my life, but just ones that are ready, willing, and able to buy or sell real estate. Those are the only guys I hope to hook up with any time soon. Although, if I did have someone in my life that I could trust 100% to respect my limits sexually and relationship-wise, I wouldn't mind dating and sleeping with him, but only if we were 100% compatible. I'm not saying that we'd have to have a Vulcan mind meld session or anything like that, but someone who I could relate to, and trust, and be intimate with wouldn't be so bad. As long as he put absolutely no demands on me. Yeah, I know. I'm also still waiting for that pony I never got for my birthday.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 6:03 PM
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Saturday, May 22, 2004

Went to go see Troy last night. I was surprised how much they actually stuck to the historical reality. I'm not sure about the death of Patricles or the romance between Achilles and Brisseus, but you know they have to move the story along. I wonder where did the royal house of Troy go? I can't remember. I think they fled to Egypt and the Hittites helped them. I remember from my Ancient History class that there was something significant about Aeneus and the sword of Troy. I can't remember now. My history professor and his partner designed the entire history curriculum for the state of California, from kindergarten through Ph.D. levels. He had to write his own textbooks because everything else was "just so inadequate". I liked that class. I was able to tell my friend about how Achilles and the Mermadons had invented really innovative warfare strategy and tactics and the whole Achilles heel legend. She liked Hector and thought his archers were cool.

We did something really naughty last night and I feel bad about it. We played a trick on a bunch of guys and normally I don't really care about that kind of stuff, but a few of them I did feel sorry for. I'll have to make it up somehow. I should never try e-dating now. My karma will return, I'm sure.

I feel dirty. My house needs a Spring cleaning and so do I. I wish I had the $$$ for a full wax, but I'll have to just do a Nair job myself. I feel like a gorilla. I need a wax from my eyebrows to my ankles. I need a body polish, too. I would so love a manicure/pedicure. Maybe I can just do a mini one myself. It really sucks not having as much financial resources as you need to sustain the lifestyle to which you are accustomed. Sometimes I wish I had a sugar daddy who would just be there for me in case I needed anything. Actually, not even a sugar daddy but just a dad. I wish I had a dad still. I wonder how different my life would have turned out if I'd had a dad? I hardly remember mine. I hate to think of him because I always see him on the living room floor surrounded by paramedics. It's unpleasant so I don't think of it.

Today will be mad cleaning day. I will clean myself, my house, my car, and my clothes. Tonight I am determined to have some fun. Some friends of mine just got back in town and I'm dying to know how their trip went.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:55 AM
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Thursday, May 20, 2004

The Gods and Goddesses must love me. Today I went to work and I had the desk all to myself because my friend and colleague K was not feeling well. I brought in this super cute calender I haven't been able to hang up anywhere at home and we got compliments already. I met another agent who just sold a listing a few doors down from mine so we talked about that and he gave me some good information. I got my business cards ordered and my website and email and voicemail all set up. I had to drive over to the MLS and kick their ass because no matter how many times I've communicated with them that I've changed offices they can't get it straight. Then I went out to lunch with La Bella B who also is changing jobs. She got a really nice position at a rival agency for more $$$ and advancement opportunities. She laughed at me in my outfit and told me I looked all grown up because I'm wearing my new black suit with my Adrienne Vittadini open toes that I hardly ever get to wear because I don't dress up very business like all that often and the bitches at C21 Stepford wouldn't let me wear them because they said anything higher than a 1 1/2 inch heel was too sexy for the office. After lunch I came home and I called my landlord to explain that I couldn't pay my rent. He asked me why and I told him. He said he'd wait for me to close escrow, but that I'd have to triple my late fees. That's so way less than I thought I'd get away with. I was fully prepared to pay an extra month's rent. Also my friend L, who double-ended a mid-century 2 bed 1 bath in Carson Park is letting me have first pick of all the stuff that's in the house. So right before her escrow closes I'll be getting a new/old Coldspot refrigerator which is the exact model I love - white with blue interior, and an Okeefe and Merritt apartment stove that has all the original grates and burner lid and the clock still works. Plus he has an original Knoll hanging lampshade that is the exact shade of aqua and beige for my Gidget Goes Hawaiian living room. Tomorrow I'm going door knocking again and warm-calling my 800 list. I'm so excited to get my house finished and bring my bar home and finish losing weight and getting more and more clients. I love my new clients. They are so nice and I'm so excited about helping them.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:17 PM
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Wednesday, May 19, 2004

So I quit C21 on Saturday and I signed up with a new agency on Sunday and on Monday and Tuesday I went door knocking in North Long Beach. I stayed away from NoTown because you know I'm just so white and that area isn't moving anyway. On Monday I went to class and learned how to write offers and I finally figured out what the prelim (preliminary title report) and TDS (transfer disclosure statements) are. Good thing, too. I have a listing for the first week of June. Yeah me. Now I have to call my landlord and ask him what he wants to do - spend time and money evicting me, or make money by waiting until my escrow closes when he can get all his rent and an extra one to boot. I'm hoping he'll make the right choice because I don't have the energy to pack and I don't have any place to go anyway.

Last night I went to see the new Tom Cruise movie Collateral. It was the work print with no real music or credits. Jamie Fox is a cab driver who gets picked up by hitman Tom Cruise and gets involved in this string of hits Tom Cruise is in LA to do. Of course nerdy little cabdriver saves the day and gets Jada Pinkett Smith in the end. It wasn't suspenseful enough. Sometimes I like to mess up their market research by saying crazy stuff like "the lead character should have been played by a gay man" if it's a super macho action movie or a sappy romance comedy. Sometimes in a horror movie I like to say the cop should be an ex-priest who's now married to a Wiccan practitioner. Stuff like to mess with their heads. I always demand that Danny Elfman or Ian MacKaye produce the soundtrack, too. Just to mess with them.

I'm going to a different class today. I have to pay another $200 for new business cards and signs. Plus I'll have to get a lockbox and mailers before my listing. See why I can't pay my rent? I don't know what I'll do about the car thing yet. I'm selling my old O'keefe and Merritt stove to Bond's. They're coming over tomorrow to check it out and I hope I can get at $200 for it. That would help me out so damn much. I'll be getting another cuter one soon with a vintage Coldspot fridge that still works really well. How much fun is that?

Please pray for me Bloggers and Bloggerettes. I need help and encouragement. I jumped into the wide unknown and it appears I'm not as smart as I think I am. I'm yanking the cord, but the parachute has not yet opened and the ground keeps getting closer and closer and closer.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:39 AM
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Saturday, May 15, 2004

Have you ever heard the punk version of the Have Negila? So blows away the mariachi version. We went up to Santa Monica tonight to go see that all punk all request cover band that always changes it's name in some shitdive JB dragged us into. They played some Vanessa Paradis, Bread, Three Dog Night, Jackson Five, BeeGees (I shit you not), and Etta James. It was a really good set. Different drummer again and they called themselves the E Zine Newsletter. Then JB made us go to the pier and see Whiting and the Russkie. They're called Zeerock and they're pretty darn good. The singer/guitar player kind of reminds me of DeeDee Ramone, but before he totally went over the cliff. Not exactly DeeDee, but a cleaner, more coherent, Russian DeeDee. Sort of.

So, I got a new job today. Now all I have to do is quit my old one. I don't know. I was sitting there in a meeting today at C21 before I went to the other office and I just couldn't believe myself. I felt like I had Multiple Personality Disorder. Someone was going on and on and on about how it's just a numbers game and I started asking myself how I got there? How did I, the future wife of Ian MacKaye and future ex-girlfriend of Henry Rollins, end up here in a goddamn gold jacket listening to this mind-numbing horseshit? Then all the other voices in my head started talking and yelling all at once. I heard Ben saying it was okay to leave. I didn't owe anyone anything. I heard Katrin saying that if the vibe wasn't there, it was a disservice to all to remain untrue. I heard Rachel tell me to tell Frenchie to go fuck herself backwards. I heard Brigid and Caitlin laughing at me in that ridiculous outfit with the power jewelry and eye shadow that matches the ugliest jacket in the world. I heard Sean yelling "fuck this, fuck them, and fuck you. You deserve what you tolerate". I heard Shug whisper that if I left now they would only laugh about it for months instead of years. I heard Drew yelling "are you fucking kidding me? You're killing me. I'm dead now." I heard Bibi and Eng telling me it's okay to make mistakes, as long as I don't do permanent damage. I heard Rhonda and Jimmy's deafening silence. I heard Rad's gentle "plot and then execute the perfect escape". I heard Sandee saying "shoot, girl. You know you fucked up. Just admit it and move on so we can all talk about something new". I heard Gio saying "cut the gig, cut the gig, cut the gig". I heard Mr Steve saying "this is so not punk".

True, true, all of it true. The most schizophrenic I felt though, was driving to that shit gig in that monkey suit for another round of fresh humiliating degradation, and listening to my Come In and Burn CD. How fucked up is that? Then on the way home tonight I switched to the Rise Above CD. I needed some energetic music. This whole thing has been so not me. It scares me how much I put myself through sometimes. This is why I'm so frightened of relationships. Look at the messes I put myself in. Look at the shit I force myself into. I owe myself a big fat apology. I didn't trust myself. I didn't listen to myself. I made myself do things I didn't really want to do. I lied to myself. I disrespected myself. I have a lot to make up for. Tonight was a good start. I saw two really great sets and I talked to a lot of fun and interesting people and I kissed some really cute boys. This is my life. Mr Steve is so right. Being a fucking telemarketing property pimp is so not punk rock. I need to be real and go back to being my own best friend.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 2:19 AM
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Wednesday, May 12, 2004

So I guess I'm jumping ship. One of the guys who was fired about two weeks ago for not producing enough and for daring (gasp) to go to Cabo with his friends, keeps wanting me to visit him at his new office. I'll go on Friday and check it out. It sounds like the kind of office I thought I was going into. People come and go as they please. There's no dress code beyond clean and professional, how hard can that be? And they provide you with leads and an assistant. Here's the best part: No quotas and no cold-calling. Sounds like Heaven. Could it be true? I'll do my cards and before I go I'll consult someone, but the way things are now is not the way I wanted them to be. I quit the hospital so that I'd have time to write and see my friends. I didn't leave there to become a fucking telemarketer. Frenchie has tried to be nice to me but now it just comes off as really phoney. I don't believe a word of it. I have a lot to think about. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling scared, unsure, desperate, stupid. I've met so many real estate agents. Most of them were numbskulls. The ones I liked all said the same thing: Go into real estate. You'll love it. You'll have a blast, you'll be helping people, you'll learn so much, you'll be able to set your own hours and make great money. Now I feel tricked. I feel like Pinochio and the land of fun. I'm becoming a telemarketing ass and I don't want to get crated up in a box and sent to the mines. I want to have fun and wear cute clothes and make money and go out for lunch with my girlfriends, and help people sell their homes or get into a home. Besides, this ugly gold jacket so doesn't go with my coloring.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:24 PM
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I'm getting ready for my miserable job. Today we are going to a conference to talk about 1031 exchanges and Charitable Remainder Trusts. Hooray. I got an email from my boyfriend, Henry Rollins. He'll be staying in town because he's been offered a dream gig from my friends at Indie 103.1 which is what I've been praying for. I know you don't believe me, but I did a hardcore spell when Indie first came on air, before Steve Jones signed on, and I asked the Gods and Goddess' if they would put Henry on the air. Even if it was a once a month show. Because I love my man and I need to hear his voice as often as I can and I knew he would bring some of his vast collection because I happen to know he's that kind of a guy. He totally grooves on introducing people to missed music. What? How can you not know what missed music is? It's stuff that came out in stealth mode, the really really good stuff that wasn't mainstream enough to get airtime and was put out by artists and labels that didn't have the brute marketing force of Britney Spears or whatever. So it's missed, and we missed it. Thank God for St Henry the Strong, he will deliver us from the mediocre crap flooding the airwaves. Do I sound like an unbelievable bitch? I feel like it. Everyone is leaving. My little sister is getting married in Central Park in a few weeks by one of the Grateful Dead. I, of course, will not be able to attend because I may miss a few calls. Someone better buy something from me soon, or I'm packing up this freakshow and taking it on the road. Good thing 103.1 is on satellite internet. Shug would be inconsolable if he'd missed the Henry Show.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:39 AM
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Monday, May 10, 2004

Dear Blogger,

HATE the new fomat. Can't check out the blogs that used to come up on the side. It sucks. But not as much as the training manager at my new job. Over the weekend all my friends were telling me to just stop going in. But I went back this morning, fantasizing about where I should get a new job and lo and behold I had two, maybe three, excellent contacts today. At the meeting this afternoon it turns out that I have the most leads and contacts of anyone there. AND Frenchie doesn't have her license anymore. She's just a trainer on salary. So, she doesn't even do what we do so who is she to tell us what works and what doesn't? Hmmmmmm.

I don't know what's going to happen. I said I'd give it at least 3 months, so on June 29th, we'll have my final decision. In the meantime, I may have to quit Miss Jenny Craig and just do the el cheapo thing. I'm broke as a joke.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:40 PM
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Saturday, May 08, 2004

I'm on Fiorinal right now, so I apologize ahead of time if this doesn't make much sense. I don't know about this new vocation I've taken on. Well, actually the vocation is okay. I just have a huge issue with the woman who's training me. She's just like my mother in a lot of ways and it's a problem. I'm trying to look past it and tell myself it's meaningless, but today she practically reduced me to tears. Granted, the heat has not made for very good Lupus days, and I'm a little pms, but her bullshit is fairly inexcusable.

Apparently she thinks I'm a fat lazy slob. She's made it pretty clear in a very passive aggressive way. This woman is in her fifties and very tiny. She has a heavy French accent and is a Nazi, or at least a Frenchie Nazi collaborator. I don't know. Maybe she thinks she's helping, but she could do for a little Dale Carnegie training herself. For instance, I'm on this Jenny Craig thing and I know a lot of people think it's ridiculous bullshit but it's working out for me. I've lost 14 pounds so far and I don't have to really go to the grocery store and I like it that all my meals are ready to go with very little hassle. The Jenny Craig is just a few doors down from the office so it's really convenient. Part of the program is that you're constantly eating. The philosophy is that to kick up a slow metabolism, and we all know mine is at the glacier pace, you eat all the time. You eat every three to four hours so that your metabolism figures out that it doesn't need to store fat because it's getting fed regularly. Well, every time Frenchie sees me eating, which is just the food on the plan and on the schedule, she has some little comment like "Oh, eating again?" As if I had spent a half hour in the kitchen wolfing down a chocolate cake all by myself. Today she said "You certainly love your food, don't you my dear?" when she took her stupid SlimFast out of the fridge. Hey, she got skinny bitch genes and I'm happy for her, but obviously she's from the old-school thinking that if you're an ounce overweight you shouldn't eat again until you're ten pounds under. She probably learned that when she was working as a guard in the concentration camps.

So, she also thinks I'm extremely lazy. She's always telling me to get on the phones even though I consistently do more than the required 5 hours a day. Even when I'm on the phone, even while I'm making a call or talking to someone on the phone, she likes to stand behind or next to me and whisper what to say. Then she tells me not to talk out loud to anyone because I'm distracting the other trainees. If she would actually pay attention to what's happening on the floor she would realize that the girl sitting next to me is the one who's incredibly distracting. She makes a comment on every single call, every single one, and she gets up and moves around about a bazillion times a day. I don't want to say anything because I think it's very Junior High to point fingers and I don't like how it makes me feel to even have that kind of a conversation. Then when I was asking Frenchie how to word a script for my self-hypnosis tape I made she said "Oh, just say whatever goals you want to achieve in the here and now. For sample (sic) say I am always on time, I only eat when I need to, I take a shower every day, like that." I might have to kill her.

We went to the Mike Ferry workshop thing. It was really exciting for me because he's the premier trainer for real estate. He cracked the code back in the early 70's and is very down to earth and up front about what works and what doesn't. It's the 30th anniversary of the training organization so the man himself was doing the seminar for free. I was excited because I think he's really cool. Granted, he's an anglo Republican good time boy from the OC, but he knows what he's talking about and he doesn't mind sharing for the right price. So, two things about this: First is that even though the schedule was blown because of the seminars, I still tried to make up the time when I got back to the office. I was still trying to make my 30 hours of calls for the week. Which, can I just say, I have never not made the base quota for calls and contacts? Not once. Well, on Monday there was a freak heatwave and in the seminar there was no air-conditioning for some reason. No one told me not to wear the stupid jacket and she was irritated with me and told me to take it off. I didn't want to go without my jacket because I was wearing a sleeveless top underneath and as a courtesy to others I kept my upper arms covered. On the way back from the seminar, in over 105 degree heat in my non-air conditioned car, I got stuck on the freeway and almost passed out. By the time I got home I barely made it to the kitchen sink before I got sick. I took a quick cold shower and then practically slipped into a coma on my bed. I called her to explain and she just said "Well, what time will you be back in the office today?" So, I made it back before 4pm, even though phone shift doesn't start until 5pm, but she still had a talk with me about my level of commitment.

The second thing that happened was that Mike Ferry was giving out prizes during the seminar and I really wanted to win one because it's like free coaching or productivity retreats which are really expensive but apparently worth it. So on the second to last day he said that he would give a prize to the person who made the most contacts. I thought for sure that I would win. I had made 342 calls and spoken with 116 people and gotten the NGOM, needs goals objectives and motivation, on 20 people but no one set an appointment with me. So on the last day he had people stand up and say how many calls they'd done. But instead of asking how many contacts they'd made he asked how many people had said no to us. I couldn't figure out how many no's I'd gotten because you know math and I are so incomaptible. I was in the top 2% in the nation for my English SAT's and the bottom 6% for Math. So this young guy stood up right in front of me and just blew everyone away. I thought for sure I might win because most people were saying they'd made 60 or 70 contacts, but then this guy like tripled me. I got so nervous that she would say something to me for even standing up, that I had embarrassed her or something, that I sat down after he said his numbers. Then another guy stood up and he hadn't done as well as me but Mike Ferry had them both come on stage and he gave the #1 guy a free retreat and the #2 guy a free set of tapes. If I'd won I wouldn't want the tapes because we have all of that at the office. I wanted to ask Mike Ferry if he would visit our office. Even if it was just a few hours, I think it would've have been really cool and exciting and motivating for everyone. But I didn't win because I got so freaked out that I sat down.

Today she asked me again what I had working. I told her again exactly what I had working, which hadn't changed one bit since she'd asked me two hours earlier. She said "Time to open escrow Missy. No more time for being lazy". I don't know what the hell she considers being lazy. Our schedule every day is be in the office by 07:50, because if you're not 10 minutes early, you're late and if you're late you get locked out and have to pay $5. Then class from 08:00 with a 10 minute breakfast break. Then on the phones from 09:00 to Noon, with a 10 minute break each hour which nobody actually takes to avoid the Frenchie Inquisition as to why you are getting up from the phones. Then it's lunchtime, but you're still expected to just grab the quickest bite you can and then "be productive" in some way. Then it's class again from 1pm to around 2pm. Then it's three hours of "being productive", such as taking care of the administrative things you have to do, or door-knocking, or if you have clients that's when you take appointments or go show property or whatever. It's "frowned upon" to waste this time by doing anything personal like returning phone calls, or going to the bank or post office or dry cleaners. Then from 5pm to 7pm it's back on the phones. Everyone is "encouraged" to work until 8pm when the office closes, or better yet, to take your work home with you so you can make calls from home before you leave for work or in the evening. Six days a week this is what I'm doing.

She's constantly on me about my "sphere of influence". She claims everyone knows 300-500 people and wants me to call 5 new people a day and ask them for referrals. She told me to make my friends and family photocopy their address books so I could call all the people on them. When she found out my sister has a salon, she was really happy. She said, "Well my dear, there's a client list just waiting for you". Right. Like my sister would ever let me risk the years of relationship she's put into building that list. As if half the people on that list aren't big deal brokers and developers and agents themselves. Who the hell does she think practically made me go into this business to begin with? I explained to her that everyone I know is either in real estate, related to someone who is, has no money or inclination to buy real estate, or isn't talking to me because I haven't shown up to anything they've invited me to since I started this new job and is pissed that I've had the cajones to call and ask for a referral. I told her I have an application pending with DAR and hopefully that will help me build a bigger sphere, but she said to just start going to the meetings anyway. Right. Doesn't work that way, sweetie. Ever hear the words elitist snobs? Not to mention that even if I wanted to go I couldn't because she hardly lets me get up to use the bathroom, much less go to a "party". Last week when she was lecturing me about my sphere of influence she said, "Well, what about your church?" I explained that I didn't practice organized religion or attend services to which she responded "Then why aren't you here on Sundays?"

So, besides all the MOM issues working, filed under "You'll never be good enough, but don't stop trying because it's so fun to knock you down every time you get up", I feel like it's total thong pantyliner time. The standard is so unbelievably high, the envelope is so stuffed, the bar has been so lowered, it's pie in the sky unattainable. Not when Mike Ferry talks about it, but the vibe I'm getting from her is that it's never enough. She's constantly throwing this one girl in the office in our faces. She beams when she talks about how this girl lost her father and three brothers in a car accident a few months ago, and DIDN'T EVEN TAKE TIME OFF FROM WORK AND NO ONE EVEN KNEW WHAT HAD HAPPENED BECAUSE SHE SHOWED UP EVEN EARLIER, STAYED EVEN LATER, AND WAS EVEN MORE CHEERFUL AND CHARMING AND PRODUCTIVE. I'm happy for this girl, really I am, if she found a place within her to move through the hell she must have been feeling. But I don't think that's natural, nor do I feel it's a mountain I should climb. Granted, this girl is making incredible amounts of money, but I think if someone loses four family members in one day she shouldn't be condemned for taking time off to grieve. Unless she's working for a slave agency that wants to permanently attach it's agents to the phone and have the Mike Ferry scripts the only words coming out of their mouths.

I know I sound like a miserable gritch. I'm grateful for the training. I am committed. I do want to be a success, but Jesus God, I've only been there 6 goddammed weeks. I wish someone had told me I was expected to sell my soul to Satan to sell real estate because I would've asked the bastard for a satisfaction gurarantee. I just want to have fun and make money and make people happy by helping them sell their homes or get into a home and is that really too much to ask?

Maybe I'll call the Mormons tomorrow and put in an inquiry from her house. That would make me smile, Frenchie being hounded by the Mormons.

I have to go and do 3 weeks of housework. I swear, if I don't do my laundry tonight it's going to walk itself to the washer.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:28 PM
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Thursday, May 06, 2004

I'm so tired. Tonight I stayed out until after 9pm showing property. Really nice guy and his little boy. I showed him 3 properties and we drove by another 3. I finally just let him drive me to the neighborhoods he likes and I let him ramble on about what he wants and where he's willing and not willing to live. We'll check his financing. Is this my future? Driving around neighborhoods listening to people talk to me about their hopes and dreams of a better life? Maybe I should only map a territory from Bixby to Sunset Beach. Alex I'll take bullshit for thousand, please.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:51 PM
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Saturday, May 01, 2004

Split out of work early to go to a party at La Bella B's mom's house. It was kind of trippy. Fussy older woman trying to have fun and be hip. Who the hell am I? They probably were having fun and being hip. How would I know? I leaned over and told Z that it would be us in 30 years and she laughed so hard she spit her margarita out on the floor. I'm tired of working and not getting anything for it. I'm just plain tired. I decided today that if I'm going to drive a pos, it might as well be a cute little old mercedes. I've got my eye on a cutie. I hope the guy calls me back. I have to make a self-hypnosis tape tonight. Should I start it out with now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul will take? Hell no. Give it back, greedy bastard. It's mine.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:29 PM
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