Monday, March 29, 2004

I'm beat. I've been getting run ragged for this real estate gig. It's kind of harsh. It better be worth it. I need money. I still have to shell out so much and I'm tired of spending. I want to make some money. I have no time for anything. I have no time for friends. I have no time for Blogger. I have no time. Someone better buy a house from me, and soon.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 6:17 PM
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Friday, March 26, 2004

I've been too busy to write. My niece moved back to her Mom's and I've been running around preparing for real estate training, which I started yesterday. I have an appointment with the CalJobs people where I have to show them my resume, all the places I've applied to work, and discuss my job search strategies. I don't know how to play it. I guess I'll be sincere. They don't care. They're just doing their jobs. As long as I put down that I'm looking for work, I'm sure they'll be fine with it.

Real estate will be hard because it's new, but where I live houses sell themselves. My job will be easy. Kind of like matchmaking, I think. All you have to do is listen, research, convey. Easy easy easy. Plus I'll be making $900 after taxes for every $100,000 of house I sell. Most 4 bed 3 bath's are starting at $450,000 in this area for a shack with a driveway. I'm sure I'll be fine. People are buying houses, they might as well buy from me. I want to own a home of my own within 18 months. When is that? Summer of 2005 I want to be in my own home. That's after I've bought a new car, paid off my stinking student loans and BankOne card, and gone to Dr Bonakdar for all my plastic surgery needs. I just want a little itty bitty face Thermage, mesotherapy on my neck, arms, and legs, and some of that laser spider vein removal, but I'll get that done by Dr Maxwell. He did my sister and he's great. When I've lost enough weight and have enough money, I'll start seeing Debra at Peaceful Waves for Dermassage cellulite therapy. She can totally get rid of all your cellulite and make your skin glow and it's not painful like Thermologie. Hooray! I'm hoping that soon my bank accounts will be as happy as me! Instead of as sad as me, which has been the norm.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:48 AM
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Saturday, March 20, 2004

We got up at the crack of dawn and went to the car auction this morning. It was kind of amusing. I didn't get the car I had my eye on. I had determined I would only pay $600 and it shot up to a $1000 in about 5 seconds. I couldn't believe it. Most of the cars there were going for about 30% of the retail. This car, 1983 Mercedes Benz 300 Turbo Diesel with less than 200,000 miles, was listed for retail $1,800, private party $900, and for trade in $390. I was expecting to pay between $400 - 600. How disappointing. It was such a cute car, too. Oh well. Now I know. The auctioneer was a funny guy and the callers were really funny, too. This one guy was trying to say he bid on a car and the caller went up to him and said No you didn't. You were just waving hello to your Granny. Shut up and sit down. Everyone laughed. Oh, well. I know now for next time what to expect. I guess that wasn't my car. It looked like it, but it wasn't. I came home and there were two unemployment checks waiting for me. I love getting those checks. They make me so happy. I'll find my car. It's out there waiting for me. And for anyone thinking of going to the auction, bring a cloth to hold over your mouth and nose if certain alcoholic fucktard's sit next to you. Blech.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 2:59 PM
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Thursday, March 18, 2004

So last night we shlepped it up to Sonny's in Santa Monica. It was fairly great. I had thought I was going to lunch with my friend, Frtiz the Cat. He's hilarious. But no, as it turns out, Monsieur Fritz was working the door at Sonny's, which is really funny because he doesn't even work there. He's just a regular, but he told Sonny he was going to work the door and he put SY at the mini bar in the back room. Which is also kind of funny because SY doesn't work there either. So anyway, I wasn't going to lunch with Fritz, I was going to St Pat's night at Sonny's. What's the difference? Well, boys, (because the girls have already figured out this part of the story), lunch with Fritz and St Pat's night at Sonny's require totally different oufits. Fritz is my friend, he doesn't give two black shits what I wear to wherever whenever. So I showed up at Sonny's totally dressed wrong and I felt fat and uncomfortable the whole time. Which sucks because Sonny's was about 1/4 filled with really pretty girls and 1/2 filled with hot guys and 1/4 filled with drunken idiot losers I wouldn't talk to if I was trapped in Iraq and they were the only other English speaking person around. When I first got there I didn't know anyone except Fritz, who was working the door, and SY. So I hung out in back with SY for like two hours and I used to have a huge crush on him and I still think he's a little cutie pie, but I realized last night that he doesn't even really like me as a person, much less a romantic prospect. It made me feel like a jerk. I gave him a kiss, though, for being nice to me anyway. He introduced me to some nice people and R and K and K were all super super nice. R is a little cutie. He's studying to be an immunologist and was telling me how he and his roommate built a bar in their backyard and have totally fixed up their place and when the landlord finally came by they sat him down and showed him everything they've done so far and all their plans and explained to him how this meant he was never raising their rent or evicting them. He agreed. Those boys are cut from the same cloth as I. R is having a party on the 17th of April and he crossed the room just to invite me. I totally appreciated the gesture, even if he was smackered when he did it. I got lots of kisses and I was sooooooo relieved when La Bella B finally showed up with LV and A. Mr Steve was a brat. He got a lot of girl attention, which he usually does. I was happy to help him. We came up with a plan to thin the crowd about halfway through the night. The bar across the street, The Shack, had a lame crowd with a lot of girls and not too many guys. Mr Steve and I came back from using the bathroom over there and then me and my girl friends walked around telling all the loser guys to meet us across the street at the other bar. It thinned the crowd and got rid of a lot of the disgusting gropers and hey baby, why aren't you drinking word slurrers. Okay, I don't know if slurrer is a word, but hey. So I did have fun, and there was only one drama incident, which I think is really just a misunderstanding. The boy I like showed up late but didn't see me because I was on the other side of the bar at the time and it was so so so crowded. That's okay. I don't like what I was wearing anyway. I got home a little before three and it was okay driving home.

So I got up this morning and I looked at myself naked in the mirror and I was so disgusted. I went online and found the doctor I like, Dr Sand, and made an appointment with her to talk to her about everything that's wrong and disgusting about me. I hate my droopy eyes, and the fat under my chin, and the spider veins on my legs from when I had my gallbladder taken out. I'll ask her what she can do about my Frankenstein scars. I know they have new patches that can soften and smooth scars, but how much? How much? That's always the bottom line. Then I called Jenny Craig. I have a lifetime membership there from when I signed up a million years ago. I had to stop going because I was still living at home, when I was a freshman in college, and my brothers thought it was funny to feed my Jenny Craig food to their dogs. But after this weekend I'll be living alone again and I'll be able to hate my body in private.

That was another aspect of having the niece in the house. She's a little bit built like me, but she's very thin. She looks curvy, but totally great. She has really nice abs and beautiful skin. I was always hoping my bad body image wasn't deflecting onto her. I'm sure she has enough issues of her own and I didn't want to pass it on. I was faking, and probably not very well, being happy with myself and my looks and where I am in life right now. What a faker. I'm not at all happy with my looks. I'm pretty happy with how my life is going right now, but you know it's a struggle. Everything is a struggle. Every damn day.

I sat down and did my cards this morning. I asked them about the boy I like and they said no. Not just a little no. They said NO FUCKING WAY. Which I know a lot of people don't believe Tarot speaks that way, but mine does. Probably because it's the only language I understand. Tarot said, build a bridge and get the fuck over it. Tarot also said to knock off the fantasy and focus on what needs to be dealt with. That's when I called Jenny Craig. Now, I'm going shopping for a car. Oh joy.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 12:11 PM
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Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I'm going to the auto auction on Saturday to try to buy a car. All by myself. I'm kind of freaking out, but whatever. I don't know what else to do. I need the nicest car I can get for as cheap as I can get it and I don't have immaculate credit or enough for a down payment, not to mention my current lack of verifiable income. So be it. I'll call my friend Edith tonight to see if her husband Manny can come with me. He's a car freak and makes a living finding cars for people and doing pimp jobs. Not actually pimping, but making cars all pimped out, yo wit da bling bling n all dat, hey. I'm tired again. I woke up really early to drive niece to the 110 and 10 to take care of some business. It was a ghetto parade the whole time. Not just a little bit like whoa, so ghetto. A lotto bit like lock your door we're in the stone ghetto now. It was so unlovely. Then I drove her to her friend's in Santa Monica. Now I have the house all to myself until Thursday night. I've been working on a screenplay since I've been off work and it's near complete. Well, not complete because no screenplay ever is, even the shooting script. It has a few structural problems but I don't think I can fix them, or even think about them, until I get to the end because endings and beginnings are so connected, especially in a screenplay. It's work. It's a hobby. It's fun, but not when there's pressure. I would hate to do it for a living like MG or SY or SN. My friend JJ's play was incredible. I so admire him. It was fun to watch, but I know it was written during one of his semi-manic episodes. No thanks, I don't need any of that ding-dong there's the doorbell action. I'm driving myself crazy in my own special way.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:55 AM
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Monday, March 15, 2004

I had to take a nap today. I got up a little early to take my niece to work and then I had a bunch of running around to do and by the time I finally got home I was pooped. I hadn't eaten yet, but I couldn't be bothered. I tried to just get forty winks on the sofa, but the little criminals next door were playing some kind of game that involved throwing things at the wall and screaming. Maybe they were being murdered and were trying to get my attention but I was honestly too tired. I took a snooze in my wonderful new bedroom and then woke up to go see Dr Shrinkenstein. I told her I was afraid of trying to sell real estate and she said be fearless. I told her I had a crush on a worthy boy and she said be focused. I told her my niece was moving out and I had mixed feelings about it and she said be honest. I told her I was grateful I would be having my friend all to myself again soon and she said be kind. I told her I felt like a fat, ugly pig whenever I saw myself in the mirror and she said be lovely. I paid her $100 and left. I went to the bookstore and didn't find the book I was looking for so I bought a book about real estate instead. I came home and am finally eating. I will leave soon to pick up my niece. I'm still tired.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 4:19 PM
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Sunday, March 14, 2004

Have you ever sat in traffic on the 405 that was so backed up you just turned off the engine and sat there? Well, I just got home from such a trip. My niece's car has broken irrevocably and I drove up to Santa Monica to pick her up. While I was parked center lane of the 405 northbound, at 19:45, I hear on my new fave radio station Indie 103.1 that my old friend Mojo Nixon will play his farewell concert at The Continental in Austin, TX on the 20th. Then they played that song "...bring me the head of David Geffen..." which is so Mojo. The said Mojo was leaving the stage because, and this is a direct quote of a direct quote "I have nothing left to say". I think it's a lie. Mojo will never shut up. That would be like Rollins getting all soft and New Age and politically correct. As we all know, those would be signs of the End Times indeed. Every week or so I get email updates of the arrival of planet X, not to be confused with my secret plan x. They say Nibiru is crossing with the sun and that if you look at the sun, and why would you, with a special lens you will see planet x just to the right. Or just to the left. I'm not sure because I don't actually read the stuff, I just skim for juicy tidbits.

Farewell Mojo, we hardly knew ye

Carey

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:50 PM
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Nobody much feels like blogging these days, and who can blame them? Everyone I know had a bunch of crap dropped at their door sometime in the last few days. That's a drag. I got my unemployment check. How happy am I? Pretty damned happy. I never imagined I'd be the girl hopping and skipping over a $390 weekly government check, but as it turns out that's the missing link to my secret plan x. Quit my job, cash out my retirement, buy a new life, use unemployment to pay for light bill, get trained to do something that will pay a lot of money and not require a lot of brains or bullshit. Voila! My plan is coming to fruition. My house is nearly in order. I am now heartily looking for a car again, and I've lost four pounds. Yes, I know I could lose ten immediately by cutting off my head, but I've read the research and most men prefer a girl with a head on her shoulders and few extra pounds than a headless bag of bones. I'm sure that's what guys mean when they say they like a girl who's smart. Isn't it?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 5:57 PM
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Saturday, March 13, 2004

I just got off the phone with my brother in law. He spent only 30something bucks on mp3's and he got nearly 500 songs. How can this be? Glad you asked. Go to www.allofmp3.com and check it out. Change it to English language first, though. It's a little hard to understand in Russian. Pretty much everything you need will be there. And please, tell the iTunes people to kiss your ass while you're there.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:11 PM
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Thursday, March 11, 2004

I'm bored. I don't really like being out of work. I've been running around like a headless chicken for nearly a month, and it's pretty relaxing. I've been able to go out with my friends a lot more and actually have lunch during the day which is unusual for me. I've been able to sit still and get my head together. I've been enjoying myself, but I could never be an unemployed housewife. No wonder they become crafts crazy and volunteer and drink or become suburban hookers.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:42 AM
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Wednesday, March 10, 2004

So I met this cute boy on New Year's Eve and I've seen him a few times since. He's cute, funny, successful, humble, sweet, smart, and cute, and funny. He's the best guy friend of my friend La Bella B. Tangent - isn't it so amazing how close a guy and a girl can get as soon as sex is taken off the table? As soon as sex isn't an issue, then a guy and girl can be truly friends because they already know they'll never be lovers and it's okay and they can just be themselves and it's totally cool. I have one of those and so does La Bella B and the bitch of it is that I have a huge crush on hers. What to do? And here's the kicker. I found out last night that he makes a bazillion bucks a year. I never would have thought it because he doesn't flash. He drives a Volkswagen. He lives modestly. He dresses cute, but not like a rock star or anything. So when she was telling me about this party she's been planning with him, and how much was being spent, it was kind of strange. I asked her why he was spending so much for the fun and she was like, oh this is where he spends his money. I hate talking about money this way, it's so crass. Then she started talking about how he got this huge raise last year on top of all the money he was already making, and how when he completes his new project he'll be pooping cash because he's just stuffed with money. I wanted to immediately run over to his house and throw a copy of Devil's Knot at him and scream Help!, but it may have been inappropriate. On New Year's Eve I asked him about Henry Rollins because this guy has had minor business dealing with HR. He said Yeah, what about him? I asked him if it was cool to be around Henry, and he said it was cooler to listen to his CD's than be around the guy. Apparently Henry was not very nice to Cute Guy. I wanted to find out more, but I didn't dare ask. I can only imagine. I felt bad for Cute Guy, having suffered the wrath of Henry, but then again it's his job. For which he's well compensated.

 



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:51 AM
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Tuesday, March 09, 2004

I cannot do anything more to my place. I can't. Don't try to make me. My bedroom now looks like a cross between Shabby Chic and Morroccan nights in lavender. I painted my side table and altar table in a white satin for that Shabby Chic look. It looks great, but now I have to paint the dresser and that's just going to be a super bitch. It's one of those old dressers from the late 30's early 40's that weigh a ton and have 12 drawers and a huge mirror that's supposed to attach to the wall but always gets leaned up against it instead because no one will come over and help you actually move the dresser monster and figure out how to attach the mirror monster to the wall. But my chandelier looks beeeyoooteeefull. Niecey poo helped me put more doodads and baubles on it to gild the lilly after I sliced open my finger with the scissors. It's okay, no need for a 9 hour triage in the ED. I cleaned and sutured myself with liquid stitches. Ouch.

Today I have to drive to the garment district in LA and pick up some jackets for my new job. Then I just have to get a briefcase and some Wolford hose and new bras and panties and we're in busy baby. Anyone want to buy a house? No, really. I'm starving here.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:29 AM
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Friday, March 05, 2004

Tonight I'm going to Mardi Gras with Mr. Steve. It'll be fun. We have a lot of fun together. People used to always bug me about are you two or aren't you? Have you or haven't you? Well, here's my final answer: yes and no. Haha. None of you'll ever get the chance to find out for sure.

I went back to the metaphysician this morning. I had to put my Alexis Carrington make-up on for her and she said I did it very well. Yeah me. I even wore the stuff to the DSW shoes place where I only bought a briefcase and restrained myself from buying the Franco Sarto butter leather black books that were in my size and looked totally fab on me. Why? Because I don't need them, that's why. We meditated together. Me and the metaphysician, not me and the boots. It was nice to breathe in and out the I Am. I have totally stopped meditating since the niece moved in. It's not her fault, it's just that I feel strange with someone else in the house and I don't have the discipline to make sure I do it whenever she's not here. Both our schedules are erratic. We talked more about my personality analysis. It made me sad. It was thong pantyliner all over again.

In getting over mom, she was advising just to say it is what it is. Even thinking of my mother and her traveling freakshow immediately reduces me to a manic little ball of anger and judgement. Kind of like Danny DeVito on a meth rant. She advised me to just stop. Breathe and say it is what it is, and release it. Even if it's just going through the motions at first. Anytime it comes up, no matter if it's seeing her face when I look in the mirror, or realizing the dish towels I just bought are the exact ones she had in the old house. Stop, breathe, say it is what it is, and release it. I can only make different choices and walk in a different direction. That's all. I am powerless to change anyone or any situations but my self and my own. Therefore, all my efforts are wasted unless I focus on myself.

Changing your life is exhausting. Dieting and budgeting your money is exhausting. I tried to do my horoscope, but since doing the Vedic astrology I found out that I'm actually a Virgo instead of a Libra, but that I'm still on the cusp with Capricorn rising. Now I'm all confused.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:37 PM
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Thursday, March 04, 2004

I blogged too soon. When I opened up the rail system for the bed I found out it wasn't the right kind. I had to take it apart, load it up into my car, and take it back to the Ortho place and switch it out for the other kind. Guess how long it took? The girl who was supposed to take my old bedframe couldn't get it over to her house so it went to JJ's because it had to get out of my house. Now she's not talking to me. And guess what? JJ called last night to complain that a) he thought handcuffs were included, and b) he actually has a queen size bed and the frame is a full. I told him it was a full size, but he thought his bed would fit. So I called the girl who wanted the bedframe and gave her a fourth chance to pick it up at JJ's and she was kind of pissy with me and said forget it. I told her it would be at the Goodwill nearest his house.

What a pain. All that effort wasted. I hate borrowing a friend's truck because usually the friend comes attached and you know you're taking up their time and transportation. It cost me almost a $100 to move those beds. What a waste.

Yesterday I had my interview with the unemployment people. I hope they let me have unemployment. I'll get a job if I have to, but it's a drag. I've applied at several places, but I'm starting to think I might be over qualified and I would cost them too much as a new hire.

My new bed looks great. I'm so happy with it. That other bed wasn't right for me, that's probably why it was always a problem of one kind or another. I have to go up to LA again today. I've gone almost every day this week so far. That's a drag of a commute. I do feel sorry for all those people that drive that every day. It sucks. I won't ever do it.

We watched Kingdom Hospital last night. I love Andrew McCarthy. I always have. Even when he made those horrible Bernie movies. I've always liked him. I'll tell you the real mystery about Kingdom Hospital: Why the hell JHACO hasn't shut their ass down? Who is this Otto guy? What exactly is his job there? Why is he acting like a security officer/information clerk/page operator/doorman/housekeeper/transporter/pct? What the hell is his position there, and why does he need a guard dog to help him do it? Why the hell would patients, on a guerney transport no less, be put on an elevator alone? Especially a dysfunctional elevator? Are there no other doctors at this hospital? Is it a neuro facility only? And if it's a radio trauma center, why was the ED so empty? Although that portrayal of the hysterical wife running through the ED screaming senselessly and the charge RN telling her to cut it out was pretty realistic. As was the depiction of the admin dumbass and the head of Neuro. Why is it the head of Neuro always seems in need of a consult himself? And what the hell kind of hospital would require the head of Neuro to order an MRI? At Memorial, even Sean could probably order and MRI. As a matter of fact, I believe MRI are standing orders on all trauma with Neuro involvement. When I was working there, oh so long ago, there was no auth needed for MRI, unless it was non neuro, like the knee or something. So that part of it all made me say, Come on now, Mr King. But all in all it entertained me.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:35 AM
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Tuesday, March 02, 2004

I just got home from the longest trip in my life. I had to get up at the crack of dawn, go to the U-Haul place and rent a mini truck. It took an hour and a half. Then I drove to my friend's house by Cerritos College. We loaded up my new headboard and footboard. Then I drove from there to the Ortho mattress warehouse in Cerritos to get the rail system. It took another hour and a half. Then I finally fled idiotville, drove home, unloaded the truck, loaded it back up with my old bedframe, and drove to The Palms. It took another hour and a half. Then my friend JJ wasn't back from his audition yet, so I got a pedicure. Guess how long it took? That's right. So then I drove to JJ's and right as he was taking part of the old bed frame out of the truck, the clouds closed, there was an electrical shock that came up from the ground, and then the loudest thunderclap ever. It set off car alarms and set dogs barking. Then it started raining and hailing. It was so freaky. It was like a special effect or something. And JJ was standing there with this huge lightning caller in his hands. So we got the old bed frame up into his house and now he has a bed. Now I have to open up the rail system and put my new bed together. Lucky me.

This weather is freakish. I got a newsletter from the Zetatalk people saying Planet X was in our stratosphere or something and that was causing all the strange weather like the heat wave in Europe last year. I think it's just Monkey. Monkey loves to party and play tricks. Monkey year is crazy year.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:41 PM
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Monday, March 01, 2004

I feel like I spent the whole day on the freeway. In the rain. It was basically a wasted venture. I went all the way up to niece's storage place and I couldn't get in because the code was wrong. Mondo frustration. So I went to Mar Vista and took a friend out to lunch. In the rain. Mondo lunch frustration. Then, like a fucking tourist, I got on the freeway at 1630. In the rain. Am I retarded or what? I don't know what the hell I was thinking driving home from LA at the beginning of rush hour. In the rain. I got home safely, though. On the way home I made like ten phone calls and got all my business taken care of. I guess you know you live in Southern California if you can call your *&^%* credit card company and settle a dispute over your cell phone while in traffic. In the rain.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:02 PM
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I have so much to do today and I really should get off my butt and get going. I swear, I don't know how I found 10 or 11 hours to spend every day on going to work. I have to go see my therapist today. She's so nice and polite and professional. I wonder sometimes what she's writing about me in her notebook.

Carey MeNevin: Jesus Christ, her ass gets bigger every time I see her. Note to self-be sure to get a latte before Carey's appointment. Boringville. God I wish she'd come in here with something more exciting or dramatic than her stupid little feelings. I wish she'd have some juicy sexcapades. I'd listen to that. Who are these people she goes on and on about? Dorothy Parker? Ian MacKaye? What the hell's a blog? If she would just stop hanging out with those nuts from the ER half her problems would be solved. Of course I won't tell her that. This little cash cow makes my car payment every month. My God, can we just stop talking about her mother already? We all had bad moms. Build a bridge and get over it, can we? Hmmmm. What should I have for lunch? Oh, did I just miss something interesting? Oh no. False alarm. Just talking about her dreams and goals. Again.
Hooray! That's 50 minutes. Don't have to listen to this crap for another week!

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:08 AM
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