Sunday, February 29, 2004

I don't know what I was thinking by going to the Target in Seal Beach on a Sunday. I must have lost my mind. Besides all the enormous people in their enormous SUV's buying enormous amounts of shit, there was a little blond girl throwing a hissy fit worthy of Royalty. She was screaming, promising, threatening, and hard crying. Her face was beet red, and at one point she flopped down on the ground and kicked her arms and legs. I noticed that she didn't smack her head on the ground, so she still had control of herself. Not truly in hysterics, but a full blown hissy fit. Her mother just ignored her. I would have stopped shopping right there, thrown her into the car, and beat her little ass as soon as we got home. And she wouldn't be allowed into another store for a year.

I brought home a chandelier type thing that I have my Lenore doll hanging from and a picture frame. Yes, Ben, ANOTHER picture frame. I like to put black and white picture postcards of fun people in the frames in my room. I have Freud, Kafka, and Proust, and some turn of the century nudes. It goes with my whole shabby chic, silver and lavender, black and white, Paris theme I have going on. I knew you were all curious. That's why I'm sharing.

I've completely cleaned my house, put drano in the drains and some ridx in the potty, and I think, cross your fingers, fixed the curtain rod thing in the hallway. Now I just need someone to hold up the curtains so I can finish hanging them. Then I have to measure and take them down again so I can hem the curtains. I'm so excited to be getting my boudoir together. When I was hanging my Lenore doll from the ceiling I was remembering all these stuffed dolls I used to have when I was a little girl. I had a ton of them that I bought with my own money. Isn't it weird how "my own money" has so much importance to a child? I wonder if Jesus Christ or Donald Trump or Henry Rollins ever went through that phase? Look. Look what I bought with my own money. Anyway I used to have so many of those dolls and one day I came home and they were all gone. I was being punished for some damn thing and my mom always cared more about "unfortunate" people than her own family, so that's where they went. Mom always wanted us to give everything we had to someone else who deserved it. What a fucking freakshow. I didn't cry or anything. I knew she wanted me to be upset, so I told her thanks for getting rid of all those old dolls I didn't like anymore. I only practice cash charity now. And if someone needs my stuff they can walk their ass down to the Goodwill after I dump it there.

Enterprise just came on. Did I ever tell you I used to be acquainted with Connor Trineer? Well, only briefly for a few years and just really polite conversations and to say hi and bye. He slept on everyone's sofa at one point. I'm glad he's successful. He deserves it, I guess.

I'm going to look on ebay now for those dolls.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:51 PM
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Well, everyone. You'll all be relieved to know that Sean didn't allow Drew to drink 25 tap beers in six hours. I don't think Drew really wanted to anyway. Sean tapped him out after 16. He blew the breathalizer thing off the chart. It had only been four hours. That Drew. I think he makes these impulsive pronouncements of nutty things he's planning to get attention, knowing that his friends won't really let him damage himself. He was pretty funny. He put on a blond wig and was doing interviews like he was a fashionista and then that he was Cojo. Then later, Sean had to chase him around the bar and outside in the alley and then onto the street to test him. Sean's taller and stronger, but Drew was throwing chairs in his way and Sean wouldn't knock into people like Drew was. All in all it was extreme comedy. Too bad Ben missed it. We'll have to have a rerun when he comes back. Ben would have fallen out of his chair.

I have to buy a different car. I've been looking but only half-heartedly. I don't really want to do it. I'm giving my beloved and reliable Honda pos to Fritz. He'll appreciate and take care of it. I hate car shopping. Ben! Come back and help me shop for a car! Come back! We need you! Bring your mom, she needs the sunshine. Close up the Boston life and move her out here to Santa Monica or Huntington Beach. We've got no culture, I know, but maybe she could hang out in the Wilshire district or hang out with Madonna at the Kabbalah center.

Okay, I'm getting out of the house now. I have to clean my room because my new bedframe is arriving today and Gina Bellina is taking my old bedframe to her house. My boudoir is coming along. After this week you won't recognize it. It will be beeeyooooteeeefull.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 12:15 PM
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Friday, February 27, 2004

Today has been totally useless. No, I'm lying. I finished painting my table and chairs. They look great, but they're nowhere near done. I have to make color copies of the luggage labels, cut them out, decoupage them onto the table and chairs and then put a couple of coats of matte poly on all of it. Whew.

I started writing the screenplay about a crazy girl I used to kind of know who breezed through my life like a hurricane and tried to ruin it. But only on accident. Sometimes I still dream that she took over my life and I went away to India. I claned my house. I cleaned my clothes.

I cleaned myself. I made a bazillion calls and took care of business. I replaced my Minor Threat t-shirt I sleep in. Don't ask what happened to the other one. I couldn't get the one that has my favorite picture of Ian on it, the one where he's resting his head on his knees in total exhaustion. I used to have that picture and the one of Rollins in the same pose in a double frame. An exboynonfriend took it with him when I dumped him. That's okay. I can make another I guess. I tried to hang up the drapes for my closet, but the wire is still just a little too long and the drapes are droopy. It's driving me crazy so I can't look. I have to go back to the hardware store tomorrow and get knobs for the hallway and the bathroom. I gues I might as well get cute ones for the kitchen, too. I don't want to have to refinish the kitchen cupboards. I'd rather just clean them up with Murphy's. We'll see.

Tomorrow I'll go to softball practice. After that Drew is having some kind thing at the bar. He's trying to drink one of each of everything on tap within six hours. I don't know. That's a lot. He'll be definitely ETOH within a half hour, but he may get alcohol toxicity. No, Sean'll be there. He won't let it happen.

Ben, come back. See what happens when you're away? Drew is coming up with dumber and dumber ideas every day. I've been overspending. Brigid and Mr Steve are plotting each other's deaths. Bibi is dating more than two doctors at a time. Eng won't cook for anyone anymore. And we're looking to Sean to handle us all? Help us! Come back! We miss you!

Carey

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:17 PM
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Thursday, February 26, 2004

Yesterday I had a huge thong pantyliner breakdown. For those unfamiliar with a thong pantyliner episode it goes something like this: Jesus Fucking Christ! What more does the world demand of me? I'm just a girl trying to get through life the best I can. I'm trying to get rid of every ounce of excessive lipid cells I have on my body. I'm trying to look as good as I can 24 hours a day. I moisturize, I texturize, I stretch, I tone, I color, I pluck, I wax, I shave, I pop the pills, I do the workout, I meditate, I polish, I do it all. But now I can't even have a few days off every month to just have my period like women have been doing since the fucking dawn of humanity? This is how far they're pushing the envelope now? This is how high the standard is raised, how low the bar is dropped? I can't even wear my comfortable granny panties for a few days and eat some chocolate and chill out? Obviously not. Apparently, I'm supposed to feel so ashamed at even having a period still, at not being able to starve myself out of menstruation, that all I get is a pantyliner the size of a postage stamp to drip onto. Well, I guess I'm an All American Female Failure, because I need a little more than that. It's just not going to happen. And any woman stupid enough to wear a thong on a red day deserves whatever may ensue. Yes, Regis. That's my final answer.

So I had this color analysis thing done by this metaphysician I met. She's very knowledgeable and we had a really invigorating converstation about the fractals of the brain and how they send the em vibrational field around each person and how it corresponds with the pheromones to communicate on that level. I got my results back from the color analysis and it was so disheartening. My heart just plummeted like it had jumped off the Empire State Building. She told me everything I already know about myself and none of it was positive. I've been in therapy for over 5 years straight. Twice a month I go see my therapist and we work out all this incredible shit. I've been doing EMDR because it's so beneficial for PTSD and horrific childhood syndrome. Also, it seems to be really good for rewriting thought wave programs, which I'm totally into since I suffer from RCT (raised Catholic trauma). So she was telling me all about the results and I just sat there listening, but inside I was screaming thong pantyliner, thong pantyliner. I've been in therapy. I've had the hard conversations. I've distanced myself from so many toxic people I hardly have any friends anymore and I basically had to kill off a good portion of my family. Only in my head, mind you, and who really needs them anyway? I've gotten serious about my career and my education, and taking care of myself, and all of it. I mean what the fuck more does the universe want? What the hell more can I do that I'm not already doing? I don't want to react in anger, and I appreciate all valid instruction, but honestly. How much more is demanded of me? After all the work I've done it's still hardly a drop in the bucket? It's thong pantyliner all over again. It's the feeling that no matter how hard I work or advance or improve, none of it will ever be enough because the standard is so ridiculously high. I want to be enlightened. I want to be capable of post formal thought. I want to be a good person and make my contributions to the world. I want to be a good swimmer and stay in my own lane. What the hell else am I supposed to be doing? And who the hell am I doing it for?



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 12:03 PM
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Monday, February 23, 2004

I had such a great day yesterday. It lasted almost 18 hours and it was the best! I got up and went to Steve's to do some work on the computer. Then we went to see a friend of his whom I've never met before. Cute Boy Alert! He lives on 2nd Ave in Santa Monica, he's a writer, he's my exact love match horoscopically, he's so cute, and we couldn't stop talking to each other the whole time. I haven't felt excited about meeting a cute boy in a long time.

Then we went home. I cleaned my house a little and then I went back up to Westwood about 7pm for La Bella B's Last Episode party. It's the end of an era. Sex in the City is no longer in first run. It was so silly. Everyone had to write down what they thought was going to happen to this girl Carrie. I won a keychain because I said there would be something involving jewelry. Even though this last episode is the only one I've ever seen, I still feel like I know the characters. That's how permeated our culture is. So we jet from that party and went to Venice to this place called the Firehouse.

Everyone was there. Did I say everyone? What I meant was everyone. Mr Steve was there, Mr and Mrs Jimmy were there, everyone was there except for Ben and Rachel. We were being so retarded. We had an on the spot contest of who could tell the worst jokes ever. JB actually did the eskimo ejaculation joke with the icecubes. He won a Guinness.

Then everyone went over to J's house to visit my bar, The Shagmoor Lounge. It looks pretty good. We had a great time just being stupid. I wore my new Lauren slides with the pink tassles. They are so cute! They match my vintage pink pearl blouse. Even though I'm big as a house right now, I still love most of my clothes. I need to buy more cute clothes. I talked to so many people about so many interesting things.

My friend Fritz just got a job collecting books for the African Literacy Project. He goes around to schools, foundations, book retailers, and gets them to donate for charitable write offs. He gets book drives started at the schools. Anyway, he's such a bookworm and bibliophile, he's in heaven. Every once in a while he comes across a really rare gem of a book and he gets to keep it or sell it on ebay as a perk or bonus. BO just got the dream job of her life, too. She's now doing make-up for an all-female cast show that's coming up in the summer. That's all I'm allowed to say. She went to the interview in her best best outfit and they gave her almost double what she was making at her last gig. Hooray! I told her to buy a house from me this year.

I asked JB how the Country music catalog was going for Sony and said it was going well. He promised me they've included all of Janis Martin and Wanda Jackson just to make me happy. I know it wasn't just for me, but I'm glad.

We had so much fun. I don't know why people say it's so hard to make friends in Los Angeles. This group of people is so big and interconnected. Sometimes it's almost incestuous the way people are like oh, hey I know you from that production we did last year. Especially if you've worked in healthcare in this area. You're bound to meet up with someone you've worked with at some point.

I guess I don't really have any fantabulous adventures to tell. I just had so much fun. Everyone is so welcoming and there's a kind of purity in that. Some of these people bring home triple digit incomes, some of us are on unemployment. Some of us live in million and five designer homes, some of us are on a friend's sofa. One of us just bought the brand spanking new Z4, some of us are on bicycles. It's all the same. Everyone's just doing their thing. The group expands and shrinks like the tides, and that's cool. One night at Fritz's party the fire department told us there were too many people on the property so we had to spill out onto the beach. Sometimes at softball there's only a handful of people. It's weird. It feels as if the group as a whole is a living breathing being.

I'm just happy. I'm happy I don't have to go to my shit job anymore, but that I'll still see my friends. I'm glad I'm losing weight. I'm glad I'm meeting fun, interesting people. I'm happy at this strange time in my life and I wanted log it here for posterity. There is love and happiness in this world that doesn't involve the all American nuclear family.

We miss you, Ben. We miss you, Rachel. Come back.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 2:01 PM
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Sunday, February 22, 2004

Hooray! The blogs are back. I can't believe I got them to work. I'm a hero. I'm a genius. I'm an unemployed dork. I'm at Mr. Steve's. Sean's right. This place is a dump. I hope they do get a new clubhouse. The beach would be nice. The weather out here today is unusually cold, cloudy, rainy, and wintery. It's already almost March. Maybe the world is coming to an end. I certainly hope not. I don't like being out of a job. There's a Sex in the City party tonight. I don't even feel like going, but I will. Just to be social. I never watched that show, but you know, why should I? I hear about it all the time and everyone wants to be this Carrie chick. So, whatever. I'll go. There was no softball game yesterday because of the rain. We tried to go bowling but we got kicked out. How insane do you and your friends have to be to get bounced from a bowling alley? Exactly. I'm and I haven't eaten anything yet today, but I'm so lazy I just can't be bothered. That's how lazy I am. I need to make some incense and also to clean the house with sage and dragon's blood. I need to clear out the negativity. I have nothing interesting to say. I wanted to start writing about strange people I've known here and there, but that'll be a different blog. This one is for the randomness of my existence. Also, I know it's so thrilling that you all just log on incessantly to find out what Rho and I have to say. Well, here's one thing I've discovered: Only boring people get bored.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 12:34 PM
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Friday, February 20, 2004

Some of us are going bowling or playing softball tomorrow. It depends on the weather. That almost never happens in California, so I guess we can deal with it just this one time. I applied for another job today. Sandee is coming over with the youngun's and we're going shopping for a cute outfit or two. I'm broke as a joke, but I have to at least try to look cute. Also, I'm a little pms which is a problem. If I don't get some pms tea, children in the greater Long Beach area may starve. I'll take care of that today.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:59 AM
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Thursday, February 19, 2004

I'm on my way to pay the gas and cable bills with my last few dollars. No, I'm kidding. I have enough to get some essential oils and herbs. I've found this crazy incredible money spell and I can't wait to try it. I also applied for another job today and finally got the stupid retirement account people to cash me out. I told the guy to inflate my stock and sell it as high as he can to whomever's interested. He was quiet for a moment and then he said he'd certainly try. I asked him if it was freezing cold there in Boston, which is where he was, and he said yes in fact it is. I told him Ben was building an ice hotel in the backyard. He said his girlfriend's little girl wanted to build an ice castle but he wouldn't let her because it's not safe. What a tightass. I'm going by Fantastic Charbroiler and getting some chili cheese fries for lunch. I don't care who knows it so don't try to stop me.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:09 PM
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Wednesday, February 18, 2004

So I quit my job on Friday, but the novelty has already worn off. Yesterday I felt like crying all day, but I couldn't because I don't live alone anymore. I've been hounding the payroll, HR, and retirement plan bastards since Friday. What was it Winston Churchill said? If you're going through hell, by all means keep going. Forge ahead on all plans. That's what my cards told me I've been doing my cards every morning. They keep saying everything's going to be alright, but there's only so much TV I can watch before losing my mind. Perhaps I've already lost it. Everyone's irritated with me about the blogs as if it's somehow my fault they went down. In retrospect, how long could such a great thing have lasted? And not only that, I'm working on them being fixed so get off my big ass already. Also I had a fantabulous idea for my friend's screenplay that he made a face at and now he calls me and says hey, what do you think of this idea? I think it sounds exactly like the idea I had for you a year ago that you thought was stupid. And my landlord mentioned to me that the front unit is renting for $995. Unbelievable bastard! I went into my ditz routine and said Oh, you mean the one that comes with a garage? I looked inside and it's just beautiful! The floors have just been refinished, and there's fresh paint and new light fixtures and appliances, and did you know it has two extra closets and a separate vanity? The new tile floors in the kitchen and bath are gorgeous. You should take a look. That shut him up for now.

I've realized I don't like being idle. It's such a fantasy, having all the time in the world to yourself. All I seem to do is come up with great ideas that will never come to fruition.

Am I the only one who realizes Caruso on CSI Miami is the new Jack Lord from Hawaii Five-O?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:40 PM
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Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Okay all, I'm on my way to unemployment and to pick up applications at UCLA and St John's. All I need is a little part time, but if the unemployment is enough that'll be good enough for me.

I just got off the phone with the stupid retirement account people and now they're telling me something different. AGAIN. I'm kind of over it. I know there's no money coming. I'm kind of excited about getting a new job and starting the real estate training. I could be totally delusional, but we'll see.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 10:50 AM
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Sunday, February 15, 2004

Don't anyone bother going to the Ikea in Covina. There's nothing left. We shut that place down. Now I get to finish my bedroom and focus on getting a car.

I found a 1989 BMW that got towed away for tickets. After the guy paid the fines and the tickets he can't afford to get his car out of the tow yard. He just wants $850 to sign it over and then I get to pay the tow yard. I wonder if it's a good deal or a shady one. I can hear Ben screaming at me from Boston. "There's no such thing as a free lunch. If it sounds too good to be true, it is!" I know there's no free lunch, but maybe I've already paid for this car with all the not so good ones I've driven. Maybe it's too good to be true for me because I'd be helping the guy out. And anyway, I haven't signed anything. I haven't exchanged any money with the guys. I'm just looking into it.

Everyone's hungover today. Not really hungover, but like any holiday hype there's always a letdown. Now everyone just wants to sit on the sofa and vegetate in front of the TV. That's okay with me. Tomorrow I have to go to the unemployment office. Wish me luck!

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:44 PM
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Saturday, February 14, 2004

Happy Valentine's Day -

All my together friends are together. Sean and Katrin are in San Diego. Mr and Mrs Rhonda are in Catalina. K and M are happier than the couples in a Motown love song. I"m content. I'm going out tonight with Mr. Steve and some others. We'll see what kind of trouble we can get into.

I watched Monster the other day. It was on DVD, from the Academy Awards previews they send out. I don't feel guilty because I wouldn't have paid to see the film or rented the DVD, but some friends were watching it so I did. What a story. I can't believe Charlize Theron. She gained 30 pounds and put on fake teeth and did somthing to her hair. What a transformation. But the story is true and I feel so bad for Aileen Wuornos. If she could have just had some help. She's an American failure. Her whole story is just a series of tragic events that turned her into what she became. I really think if she'd lived in a socialist society, or had some social intervention, or even an extreme makeover, none of those men would have been killed. The first two I don't feel bad about because they so deserved it. The last two are the ones who sent her to death row. That was a hard movie to watch. I hope they get some awards and cash.

Today is kind of a lazy day. I don't know if I feel like doing anything really. It's nice to know I don't have to hustle for a few weeks. Happy Valentine's everyone. I hope we all get what we want intead of what we deserve.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 1:15 PM
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Friday, February 13, 2004

So I was able to split out of there with hardly a party. I got a cake, some chocolate, some cards, a glass frame, and a bunch of promises that we should go out for drinks and "burn the house down". I've NEVER partied with these people and I never will. I guess that's why everyone thinks I'm a snob. So be it. Rho and I'll go out later. Sandee and I tried, but people are so particular about brining children into a lounge.

I'm going to the metaphysics expo tomorrow and shopping at Ikea on Sunday. On Monday I have to see my therapist and the stylist. After that, I'm free to be me.

I was getting ready to sic Sean on the payroll and HR departments, but actually I was able to handle it myself. Yeah me! I'm getting my money this month as originally planned. It's already spent.

I'll keep y'all posted.

Goodnight

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:32 PM
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This is my last day working here. I'm leaving here at 1pm today for a hair and facial appointment. Don't try to stop me. Those bastards in payroll better have my last check ready for me and I'm calling that dumb beeyotch again about cashing out my retirement. AND I'm not wearing socks or hose. I'm barelegged beneath my pants. What are they gonna do, fire me? I have to turn in all my keys and badges. I brought a bag to clean out my desk. Everyone keeps saying I'm not really leaving or that I'll be back.

I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow, but I'm leaving here today. I may be back, but it won't be to work here. Today is Henry Rollins' birthday. I've read all his books, and listened to all his music, and watched all his videos and DVD's except the brand new one. When Sean was telling off the parking lot cretin I was kind of jealous. I wanted to tell off the parking lot cretin. I've been on the phone all morning with the payroll morons. I've been basically nice, but I'm kidding around. I'm now waiting for a call back from the director. We'll see.

Sorry about the blogs. I went to the templates sections again and I'm waiting for my friend to translate the notice because my Portuguese isn't so good.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 8:47 AM
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Thursday, February 12, 2004

Okay, I know I'm postmatic today, but can we just say how much fricking effort have I spent on these blogs today? I'm so glad Miss JoE's is working again. I may put some webcam feed on there, but like of Mardi Gras or something. I think I have an extra spycam around here someplace I may send her and then we'll see the horror of which she speaks.

Or maybe I'll put the camera in Mr. Steve's place, not that he'd ever be able to find it. Course soon as I do that he'll probably accidently through his one pair of panties over the camera and that would shut down the feed immediately.

What about a camera inside the docs lounge at the ED? I don't work there anymore after 1pm tomorrow, but I'm sure Bibi or Eng would be able to hook it up for me. Those idiots in social work will never find it, but JoE's got me so looking over my shoulder for Mr. Ashcroft it's probably not the best idea.

E me and tell me where you think our little cameramatic should go. No, really. We're just dying to hear from ya.

Okay, I'll go back to working on other people's blogs now. I know I have a lot to do. Get off my ass.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 9:42 PM
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Have I mentioned lately how everyone in the known universe is an asshole sometimes and some all the time? Right. Okay, so Sean called the parking lot cretin and at first he was unusually polite. Then the guy said something to the effect of that's the way it goes, what are you gonna do about it? I'm only guessing because the only part of the conversation I heard was Sean's. It went something like this:

What am I gonna about it? How about I come there and we talk about this face to face? Are you able to stand up and repeat what you just said while lookin' me in the eye, or are you some fucking invalid? 'Cuz if you do have the balls to say that again, good odds on your becoming an invalid instantly. But that's okay, because I just so happen to be a medic, trained in the field. So I can come down there, kick your ass, and then fix it right up for you. How's that sound? Is that good for you? What was that? Oh, you apologize. What, did you think you were talking to someone else? Did you think you were talking to my little friend here that you've got some kind of sick fucking crush on so you put tickets on her windshield so she'll call you? Yeah, fuck that. It's over. This is the end of your bullshit. You hearing me? You hassle my friend again, you play anymore of your sick little fucked up games, and I'm coming down there to talk to you face to face. Good. That's real good. Then I expect never to hear from or of you again. Yeah, have a nice day fucko.

So I brought Sean a steak and egg burrito from Juan's Numero Cinco Britespot.

Sometimes it's good to have guy friends.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 5:01 PM
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Sorry about the lame template, but the other one wasn't working with blogger anymore. I'll get it fixed, but it'll take a little bit. Tomorrow is my last day working here. I'm on my way to the exit interview. Should I be honest or polite?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 11:21 AM
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Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Everyone in the world is a moron. I'm sure most of you were already knew that but sometimes it just amazes me how it's epidemic. Kind of like when you see the beauty of nature all the time and then one night driving up the coast you're so amazed at the sunset you just have to pull off the road and watch that big ball of energy sink into the ocean.

I paid for parking but I haven't received the little sticker for my window yet. The mentally deficient mongrel who checks the lot has given me 11 tickets since last Thursday. That's right, 11. Everyday I call the parking people and talk to the manager and she assures me that the tickets will be voided and that my little sticker is on the way and that it all takes time to set up and not to worry. So this morning, I got a note with the latest ticket. Here's what it said:

"I can tow this car anytime I want so you better put money in the coin box. I like to tow cars and your on my hit list now"

Not only did they use the wrong spelling of you're, but this individual obviously has such low achievement goals they can only get off by towing cars. Maybe he's the mongoloid offspring of one of JoE's NOLA parking bats. I just called the parking people again. I told them I wanted a refund because I obviously couldn't use their parking services anymore since I was being hunted. They of course didn't want to do that, but wanted me to wait to hear from the supervisor of the tickets division. I've decided to wait until the end of today to see if that idiot has the balls to call me. I doubt it. I've been practicing my superior bitch routine all morning. I feel like I'm mad enough to give him a scathing to peel off his skin. Rho wanted to get up early in the morning and wait for the ticketmaster to come and try to tow my car. Of course with Sean and Jimmy. Sean's almost done with his 144.

Stay tuned for more Long Beach parking adventures...



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 12:30 PM
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Monday, February 09, 2004

I just got home. Even though I paid for a parking pass the idiots keep giving me tickets. I call them every day and scream at them. They apologize and then do it again. People are retarded.

Friday is my last day here. I'm very glad for it but I'm nervous I won't be able to feed myself. I don't know. I'll have to figure it out. I'm just overly stressed, aren't we all? I guess I don't have anything interesting to say. We went out last night and it was fun, but I miss Ben. I miss everyone. I don't feel like writing. I'm sorry. I'll write something better tomorrow.

Goodnight

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 7:59 PM
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Friday, February 06, 2004

I just got off the phone with my little sister. I haven't spoken to her in ages. She's had boyfriend drama and career drama and money drama and karma drama and childhood trauma drama. So dramatic! She's freezing in Williamsburg, New York. She's training like crazy and hooping like a madwoman. I don't know what's going on with the boyfriend sitch or the plans to move West again, but it was good to talk to her.

I'm so tired. I have one week before I blow this taco joint. I have so much to do before starting my new job. I have to get a briefcase. I have to go shopping. Not just shopping, but shopping with a purpose. I need grown up clothes. I guess I'll just get all black. Can't go wrong there, right? I guess they wouldn't like it if I had a Fugazi or Ramones tank underneath my blazer. I want to relax and get my head together. Too much is going on right now. It's distracting and makes me feel unbalanced.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 3:10 PM
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Thursday, February 05, 2004

So I finally broke down and purchased parking. That's $56 just to save me the incredible aggravation of driving around the five block radius of my house casting curses on all the morons who parked far enough from the cars in front and behind them to tease me into thinking I could fit there, but too close for even a Mini Cooper. I hate the parking situation in Long Beach. I wish our lovely mayor Bev, and our councilman Dan Baker would get off their asses and do something about it. I know everyone thinks there's nothing that could be done, but there's plenty. We could put those markers on the parallel places and then people couldn't just park willy nilly. We could make all the motorcycles park at the ends so three or four could take up only one space. We could have everyone get a permit so the jerks who beach park in the neighborhood instead of paying for beach parking wouldn't be able to take our spots anymore. We could make the entire East Village a huge gated community and have a really hip drag queen or gay bar bouncer at each gate checking for ID and coolness. We could dig out the two levels of unused parking underneath The Ambassador and make it all free to the residents. We could blow up that ugly dental building on Broadway and Alamitos and make it into a three level parking garage for residents only, with a homeless shelter inside. Then all the people who felt inclined could have a free shower and cup of coffee, get a social services referral, and wash the cars that are parked there at night since they're so fond of window washing. We could gut the Video Palace and make that a huge parking structure too. Actually, no. We need an all night coffee house and that would be the perfect location. It's right at the crossroads and we have NOTHING over there. We need a Peet's Coffee or a Polly's Home Brew right there. If Bev had her shit together she could redeem herself from giving the Queen Mary and all it's revenue to that gangster Joe Prevratil and fix the whole parking situation. She would let residents buy monthly passes instead of making them cough up the entire $600 on January 1st. Who's got that kind of money after Santa season? The kind of people who don't need to pay for parking. Duh.

Okay, the bitch session is over. Soapbox is available.


another mad ramble of The Shadow * 4:01 PM
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Wednesday, February 04, 2004

I inherited a dog. He's pretty nice. I've been thinking about having a baby in a casual way. I'm not buying a minivan or an SUV. I'm not registering at Baby's R Us. I'm not browsing through baby name books. I'm just thinking about it. So we got a dog. I remember having a dog when I was a kid and it was a lot of fun. I remember now that my mom was always pissed at the dog. I think I know why. I didn't realize that dogs cry all night like babies. I forgot that this dog is used to jumping on the sofa and cuddling with his master. Dogs don't know the difference between a retro leather sofa that cost the price of a tropical vacation and a pos someone stole from the doctor's lounge when it was being redecorated. I also didn't realize this dog was used to sleeping with his master. I wonder if he's used to watching his master in action, because not only did he not like being bounced from the bedroom, he seemed really irritated that he missed the show. Dog food costs a lot. I'm never going to PetSmart again. Fuck those bastards. I thought baby culture was insane? I don't ever want to see an old lady french kissing her chow puppy again. We'll have to figure something out about the food. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank his master for fixing his dog and the frisbee training. Nicely done. And don't worry, I'm not signing him up for the dog choir or play dates at the bark park.



another mad ramble of The Shadow * 4:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 03, 2004

I'm okay. My niece is only here until tomorrow morning and then she goes back to her crazy Jamaican life. That girl. She's always working three or four jobs, taking 18 or more units, and generally working herself crazy. I wish I'd had that kind of motivation when I was her age. I wish I had it now. It's been nice having her for a visit. I wish I had more time and money to spend with her even though she would protest. That's basically what she does. She protests almost everything.

The only thing I ever protested was an abortion clinic when I was trying to be christian. I didn't want to go, really I didn't. My friends and I were supposed to be on our way up to this "Christian" club in Hollywood. Yes, there used to be a club called the Oasis. It was pretty close to the Chinese Theater. It was sad. The only good band that played there was my friend's. Anyway, we were heading up there but they were like, oh we have to go support this thing on our way up. So we pull up in the van and it's a clinic raid. I was so embarrassed. I hate when they walk around with those bloody abortion photos and throw baby dolls dripping in vampire blood at the employees. It just seems so hostile and aggressive. We left. We marched around the building for a bit and then we just looked at each other and were like this is so lame. We took off and the next day at church they talked about what a success the protest was. They were all happy because they wrote baby killer in fake blood all over the employee's cars and someone had a recording of a baby crying they played the whole time. I'm extra glad I wasn't there for that part. That would have made me insane early.

I'm leaving my job a week from Friday. It will be Friday the 13th, but also Henry Rollins' birthday. I'm hoping that will bring me luck. I'm sure everything will be fine. I'm going shoe shopping on Valentine's Day with my friend, La Bella B. Everything will be okay. I have two weeks off and then I start training for my new job. This job someone else can have. The girls downstairs are already bitching themselves out over who gets my office. Little do they know I'm taking everything with me. This office is only what it is because I made it that way. Silly children. I'll leave the crappy $10 computer speakers, though. That will make them infinitely happy.

I miss my friends. I need some fun. Life is fucked for some people, but I know those people would want me to be happy and to have fun so I will. There's so little happiness or joy in the world, why should anyone be deprived?

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 12:28 PM
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Sunday, February 01, 2004

I don't really feel like writing anything right now but I'm afraid that if I don't I won't ever write again. I feel strange. There's so much going on right now and I feel like life is the world's longest, crappiest shift and I just have to get through it until it's time to go home and then I can sleep it off. My niece if visiting. It's really good to see her. We went out to lunch and dinner and we saw a movie and all that, but it was really good to just see her and visit with her. Ever since she was a little girl we've been able to sync with each other. It's refreshing. I'm so exhausted. I'm mentally or emotionally exhausted. I agreed to drive my niece into Huntington Beach this morning because she wants to visit her grandmother. It's hard to pretend your monster is dead when people still care enough to visit. It was a nightmare. A trip that should have taken no more than a half hour became the OC trip from hell. Almost every street was blocked off, no matter which ones I tried and there were no detour signs, just cones, blockades, and cops. What's a cop in Huntington Beach like? Well, just take an LAPD officer, remove the policing skills, amp the attitude, intolerance, bigotry, ignorance, lack of social skills, drop the IQ points, add tanning lotion and you have an HBPD officer. They were on every corner practically. Such a hassle. No clear directions or communication. Hmmmm, must be getting close to mom's house.

I dropped her off on Main Street so she could get some coffee and walk over to the front lobby of hell. Then I tried to go shopping. I need a briefcase and I saw a really cool one I liked at South Coast Plaza, but I knew I could get a better price at Wilson's. I can't stop thinking about Ben. My dad died when I was sixteen and that was really weird besides how much it sucked. Ben had to pick out the casket and go see the Rabbi. His mom's younger sister is helping out and I hope that's not weird because I remember he told me how his aunt met his dad first and was crushed when he asked Ben's mom out. I guess it's all water under the bridge now. They're burying them together and they'll save a spot for Ben's mom. I wonder what it's like in his bedroom at their house. Did his mom preserve it? Is it like walking into the past? His aunt keeps telling him there's some nice girls she wants him to meet. My nephew, the doctor. Why is he single? You should have a son. Food. The house is overflowing with food. Everyone thinks food is the great pain reliever. The same guy who circumcised Ben also did it for Michael. What does it mean? Moyl? It's a strange word. Mr. Steve cannot be relied upon to clean or walk the dog. Enoch went to the bathroom on Ben's bed. Everything's messed up. Everything's a mess. I just want to take a nap and wake up and everything be better.

another mad ramble of The Shadow * 2:00 PM
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